Healthy Relationships Support Group

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ex vs new bf...advice PLZ!

deleted_user
deleted_user
I need some advice please...im having a small problem. well i was in a long relationship of almost 7yrs...we got married, for a short year, then split up almost a year ago. i knew he wasnt the one but was stupid and young and went thru w the marriage anyway. well i am now with the man i truly want to marry and im so freakin happy with him...i wouldnt trade him for anyone in the world...i have never felt this way about anyone in my whole life. but anyways,i recently had to contact my ex bc we still have money matters together of course, and we got along...we had a real conversation, and i still care about him as a person, a friend, and hes always been family to me. of course the new man doesn't want me to talking to him. hes not controlling in any way, and i know i would feel the same way about him talking to his ex's. it just hurts at the same time bc i care about my ex. not in love,but he was my first everything. we lost a child together, our first, and today he text me asking if he could take me out for mother's day...i just thought that was so thoughtful...and hes the only one who gives me true comfort about the loss. what should i do?! i cant disrespect the man i know for a fact i wanna be with the rest of my life, but at the same time, i would feel terrible and not content on saying goodbye to my ex forever. he treated me very good, but so does my current boyfriend....can anyone please give me advice....????
deleted_user
deleted_user
Having a relationship with our former partners is sometimes very helpful. I would do some thinking about what you would want from having a relationship with him, and see if you can talk to your current boyfriend about it. If the needs you have are great enough, you should be able to give some good points on why talking to him would help you.

If they aren't, it might not be worth toppling the apple cart.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Tell him how you feel. Explain it. Relate it.
deleted_user
deleted_user
PS - I had the same problem, only they both wanted to fight each other to the death.

They're both hanging out with me right now.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I think you should ask yourself how would you feel if the situation was reversed. I guess you would probably understand why he would want some kind of relation with his ex when they have that kind of past, but would you be ok with it? good luck
deleted_user
deleted_user
I agree with strawberr1e5 .... examine your own reasons for wanting to have a relationship with the ex.

In my case, my ex will always be in my life because we have a daughter together. Any new love interest is just going to have to accept that fact.

If you feel strongly enough about having your ex as a friend in your life and there is trust in your new relationship, it really shouldn't be that big of a deal. If you find yourself having to defend your friendship with your ex, then you may want to examine whether or not your new love is threatened. Sometimes we can't change how other people feel about things. They either accept it or they don't.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I was in a simular situation, we never want to hear that the person we love whether it is a man or woman has loved another. We know it, but we do not want to think about. Closure is the name of the game, once you leave a relationship and have obtained closure to go back brings up all the old feelings. It is easy to get caught back up in them even if you are in love with someone else. The "firsts" are powerful. To continue in a relationship that you would talk, even email, tex this person puts your relationship at risk. It is about respecting what will hurt the person you are in a relationship with, not the ex...many ex's love to know they have someone when there is no one else in their life, they use what you had as a foot in the door. I did this and in the end it caused an end to the relationship I was in. I know you do not want to hear this...if you are continuing in a friendship with your ex be sure you current is included in every conversation, tex and email and respect what he is feeling because one day you just might find him talking to his ex...
deleted_user
deleted_user
Settle your money matters and move on. You can remain friends, but you have to respect the boundaries of your current relationship. If things were so great with your ex, he wouldn't be an ex.
deleted_user
deleted_user
if you are holding onto your past.. what kind of future do you have...
ChicagoDave
ChicagoDave
Make a choice. There are people in our past who we liked, or loved, or respected. Good. Fine. But concentrate on your primary relationship. You're only 21 and you've already met the second guy you want to spend the rest of your life with. Focus. Some day, after your relationship is strongly established, you can bring your ex back into the picture, if your current bf is ok with it. And make sure that your current bf is included in anything you do with your ex. He wants to take you out for dinner? Fine, good. Bring your current bf along and all three of you can have a good time. Running around the way you describe is asking for trouble.
deleted_user
deleted_user
well first of all, your current bf is concerned he might lose you to ur ex, especially since u have a history together. you need to examine your reasons for still keeping your ex around. Is it purely for comfort? friendship? or does part of you still long for him and loves him? If thats the case then you need to cut him out. If your feelings are strictly platonic then all you want from this guy is the friendship u used to have. after all, 7 yrs is a long time. Talk to your bf about ur feelings, and tell him that you would like to keep in contact with uir ex. if it reassures him, why dont u agree to only hang out withur ex if ur bf is with u? or only during the day for like lunch or coffee? just to ease his worries. also have ur bf meet ur ex...
those are just some suggestions. another thing, talk to ur ex...make sure he doesnt have any feelings left for you, cuz if he does that can jeoparize ur relationship with ur bf now...
hope this helps
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