I have a problem with dissasociating while idealizing my boyfriend with another woman. I picture him happy with her because everything seems so out of place with him and I. It just seems it's not meant to be. We fight over stupid things, he's older and thereby more mature, more advanced intellectually and I make a lot of mistakes and he gets frustrated. I am not too bright either. At least not in the way that he would relate with. I often feel I can't live up to what he is and what he wants.
That said, there is a specific woman whom I feel like is a better fit for him, but I love him and don't want us to break up. He has known her for several years and is connected to her through a close knit subculture/community. She is closer to his age, intellectually at his level, and has the same interests. It seems she fits exactly what he wants. She is beautiful in every way. Has better hair, skin and glow. She is a strong soul and woman who has a lot of depth to her and I feel so shallow. I have a lot of paranoias and fears and he says that I am broken. I don't know if I will ever heal and I feel completely worthless to him and to myself. When I say I need to heal, it is healing from past wounds from my mother completely ripping apart my security and identity while growing up. Then my ex destroying my sense of self worth through narcissism.
Now you have the background on where this insecurity is coming from. I am hoping to feel better and move forward mentally. It is draining my energy and taking a toll on my relationship and I am lost in this cycle of jealousy and self-pity not feeling secure in the relationship. I spend too much time imagining him happier with this other woman that I am having a hard time being myself in the here and now.
I don’t feel real. Nothing feels real or alive. I just don’t even know what to do for myself anymore. I feel like I can’t survive this I feel like it won’t get better.