Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months now. I have had several long term relationships in the past, but this is his first healthy relationship (he had 2 cheating girlfriends in the past) even though he's older than me by 3 1/2 years. Up to this point I have had a lot of fun with him and haven't had any complaints about our relationship with the possible exception that he can be a little jealous at times. In the past week or so he has started talking to me about the fact that he is no longer happy in our relationship. He keeps thinking about the fact that this is his first real relationship and he wants to know what else is out there. He doesn't know how you can tell if your with the person you should be with, unless you have seen what else is out there. He has also started talking more about other girls that we know and has been talking to them about our relationship, which never bothered me before, but now he doesn't tell me about it for a few days until I bring it up. I know he's not cheating on me, but I don't know how to deal with this. I'm basically just sitting here waiting for him to make up his mind as to whether or not I'm good enough for him. The only thing keeping him with me right now is the fact that he doesn't want to lose me incase there isn't anyone else out there because he knows that once he breaks up with me, there's no coming back to me. I've also told him that I won't go allow us to go on a "break" because to me it feels like he just wants to go out there, mess around with some other girls, and if he doesn't find one that he likes then he gets to come back to me. I should also mention that I'm not going to have sex until I'm married, and he doesn't like that very much even though he has known about that from the beginning of our relationship and it has never bothered him before. I don't really want to lose him because I love him, but I went through this exact same thing with my ex-boyfriend and I was broken for a long time after that relationship ended. The strong, self-sufficient woman in me is telling me to dump him now and find some one who can appreciate me the way I deserve, but I don't want to dump him for being honest with me and telling me he is having a moment of weakness. I don't want to leave him, but I don't want to keep being strung along waiting for him to make up his mind. It's draining me emotionally, and every time he brings it up it hurts me more and more. It's giving me flash backs to my ex-boyfriend from a year ago, and I don't want things to end the same way, but I don't know how to change them. I also feel like I can't talk to him about it because I need to be"cold and distant" to protect myself from getting hurt even more and although I've explained to him why I can't talk to him about it, he wants to know what I'm thinking and how I feel about it. Will being closed off drive him away? Should I care if it does? Should I break up with him first? What do I do??
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I would tell him, if I knew him, that you have had a difficult experience in the past and are struggling not to compare it to him. Your previous boyfriend dropped you for other girls and you don't think that his desire for a break is a healthy one, because it may lead him down the path that the other boy took. I would tell him that you don't want to make any uneducated assumptions about what he is doing, and you understand that this may be a struggle for him, you just want to hear what he has to say to explain himself. I would lay out your boundaries again; that you don't feel very precious to him right now, and you won't allow for him to take a break, but you're willing to listen to his ideas and hope to get back on track with the relationship.
If he must know it: real relationships are not as they are in fairytales (I wouldn't phrase it that way to him, but I would be firm), unfortunately you don't immediately know who your true love is, because people can love more than one person in their lifetime. What matters is the decision you make, wether or not to stay with a certain person, and this decision to stay may actually strengthen the relationship to the point that you know it is the person you want.
If you've read this far; I commend you. I hope something I had to say will assist you. Recently, my own Father gave me a talk about relationships and I feel prepared to respond to questions like your own. If you'd like to hear a boy's point of view; it is my pleasure to be of use to other people.
God Bless,
Samuel
That's all.
He is scared and because he is, he is now making you feel that way because you can empathize with each other. Emotions are contagious! One person hides so does the other. Hell even say these things to him! Yeah he is measuring you also but he cant believe his own attachment to you he is scared of being hurt.
Dont let this drag you down be positive with him and like I said let him know you respect his decisions.
If he isnt happy now then he wont be happy later. I personally think you need to tell him that you are not ok with just being the placeholder, and that if he wants to be with you he just needs to be with you 100%. None of this one foot in one foot out crap. You need to stand up for yourself darling. Show him that you arent the kind of girl who will just simply take what she can get. You deserve to be with someone who wants you and all of you and KNOWS it. If he doesnt appreciate you now, only 6 months in, hten i cant even imagine how it will be a year from now.
Good luck hun. Be strong and stand up for yourself. If he is worth it then he will come to his senses. And if he is not, you'll be free to find someone who will love you and not mess with your head.