
Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
I enjoy an argument as long as it is with humour and is not a one-sided affair.
I think arguing can lead to a healthy outcome, as people don't always say exactly what they mean, so by arguing (or friendly extraction) the clarity of their words becomes clear.
A favourite programme of mine is Question Time, there are many arguments that take place on air, but never any violence/cursing.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/programmes/question_time/default.stm
It is on in 10 minutes :-)
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that sounded harsh, but i hope you get my point.
So you need to work on yourself. Line those futures up for your happiness.
Now your relationship. It's kind of the same thing. Sit down and talk to your significant other about what they want and see in their future. Both of you do it. It must be understood that your two futures and visions of those futures are NOT the same. Don't try to make them the same.
Now that sounds just wrong. It sounds like you aren't with your soulmate. What you both need to do is understand where each other wants to go. Line those futures up side by side. Then you are both accomplishing what you want. And you both can help each other along the way and do both of those futures together.
The problem with all of this is not trying to force an alignment between the two of you. Be honest with each other in what you really want. Allow the other person to desire something different and encourage them in their endeavors.
You'll either figure out that you shouldn't be together in the first place, or you'll see that you had the right person all along.
I can count on one hand the times I've argued with my man, and we've been together for just over twelve months.
It goes something like this...
One will say to the other "I have a problem - do you have time to hear me now, or shall we make a time for later"
Usually, we'll discuss straight away, but sometimes its a matter of letting the partner know you're upset, but confident of being able to work it out with them, so that they don't get miffed with you being upset and not explaining why to them.
Once we've got a time, the person who brought up the issue explains what it is they're upset with - usually its being uncomfortable with a behaviour the other has exhibited. I am fortunate, in that we are both patient and don't talk over each other, so this first step is about defining what the issue is.
One general rule we have is that arguments are not personal. So no degrading the other person, no names and no abuse. The approach is more this is a problem we both need to know about to understand each other better and add to our relationship. Sometimes the problem isn't fixed straight away, or even resolved at all - but when we both know about it, we can approach it as a team, without getting defensive and hurting each other.
So don't attack in an argument - explain your position and ask your partner to explain their understanding of the situation, until you both can see what the problem is and what you can do to fix it.
Good luck!
I thought of one rule.
Never argue with a last word freak unless you have high stamina levels :-)
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Bigbeeper...my stamina kicks ass.
#10
I'm sure it does, but I am not a last word freak :-)
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Also there is a lot of praise and a lot of pointing out the others good points and thanking them for the nice sometimes little things they have done. I found it a bit odd and overwhelming to begine with and I am not say there are never arguments because there are, but looking at someones good points instead of the bad works wonders.