AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! this is so frustrating!!! i don't think that my boyfriend will really understand what having bipolar is like!! he just thinks that i can change what happens during an episode. he just doesn't understand. i try to explain it and he thinks i'm just trying to make up excuses and like discount my actions. which is not it at all, i just want him to see things through my eyes sometimes, is that so bad? the worst thing is our physical intimacy issues. i have a huge wall up, and i know this. i am afraid to let go and just be me. because BP is so scary and unpredictable that i don't want things to fall apart if i do. i have alot of problems with my sexuality in general, when i was around seven i used to have pretty bad episodes when it came to hygiene. i am afraid of water, i don't know why but i do. showering is like the worst kind of torture there is for me. i cry just about every time i shower. anyways getting off topic, when i was about seven i tried to hide in a cupboard in the bathroom so i wouldn't have to shower and i found my dad's porno magazines. which practically tore my family apart. and blaming myself for that really didn't help my trouble showering. when i was in junior high or high school i struggled with masturbation. and the place i would sometimes do it was in the bathtub. so now i also associate major feelings of guilt with showering. in order to stop the cycle of doing those things to myself to feel good because it's against my religion and the guilt was almost too much to bear. i learned to turn all horny feelings inside of me off. i killed them to stop the guilt. well, when i got together with my current boyfriend, we messed up and ended up having oral and things of that nature almost every time we made out. so now when my boyfriend tries to make out with me i get guilty and can hardly even kiss him. then he just gets mad at me and practically tears me apart inside because i have talked with him about this before, several times. and he just makes me feel worse than i already do and makes me feel guilty for feeling guilty! it's sooooo frustrating! i just don't know how to fix all of those internal things inside of e that i broke so long ago. if anyone else is struggling with anything similar to something i said or know of ANYTHING i can do! please PLEASE tell me!!
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