Man I feel crazy writing this...but I was talking to my inner child today. I wrote to her and I let her write back to me with my other hand. She was scared to talk to me...she didn't want to talk about it because she felt too bad about herself so I talked to her and told her she wasn't bad and he couldn't hurt her anymore, I told her that it's safe for her to talk about it. And she did. She told me what he did and how she felt about it...that it hurt, she was scared, that she's bad and dirty and stupid and it's her fault. I told her that that's not true, that he's the one who did something bad and dirty to her but it doesn't make her bad and dirty, and she's not stupid because you have to be really smart to figure out how to stay alive if you're a little kid and you're all of a sudden being raped. She said that she's just as bad as him because some of it felt good and I told her she's not, that he's the one who's bad, that that's just how bodies work and that's what he was trying to do. I tried to make her feel better...but it's hard when I'm feeling so numb all the time. I told her that what he did was rape and it was horrible and completely wrong and she doesn't need to be ashamed of it because she's not the one who did something bad. I don't think she really believes me though...she just kept saying she's afraid of him. I think she needed me to talk to her like that though...as strange as it felt.
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