Grandparents Raising Children Support Group

This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.

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Just Need Some Advice

deleted_user
deleted_user
We have 2 grandaughters, 13 & 11 yrs. Our son & his wife were just kids when the girls were born so we cared for them much more than their parents did. When they divorced a few years after the girls were born, the mother got custody. She & her boyfriends abused the girls in many ways and it took us several years and all the money we could come up with for lawyers to finally get the girls back in our son's care. (Their mother was then killed in a car wreck.) Needless to say, my husband and I did everything to help the girls work through alot of fears & emotional scars. Meanwhile he had remarried a woman with 2 children. She was a very bad stepmother to our grandaughters (long story). After 6 yrs. with her, they divorced. He immediately moved himself & his daughters in with another woman with 2 children, making promises to them that things would be different. Now his girlfriend is pregnant and he ignores his 2 daughters. They are so unhappy and angry. They stay with us as much as possible. We buy all their clothes, pay for any activities they have and some months, pay their rent so they won't go homeless. About 5-6 weeks ago, they asked us if they could come live with us (they have their own rooms & clothes at our house). They hate their home lives and the way they are treated. It breaks our hearts because legally there's nothing we can do. Because we keep our mouths shut, we have a good relationship with our son. That's been the only way we can be sure we get to see our grandaughters as much as we do. Because of his pride, I'm sure he won't let them live with us. Plus, he gets government checks for them since their mother died. If he finds out they asked to live with us, we are afraid he will get mad and keep them away from us or take his anger out on them (he's not abusive). Things are getting out of hand almost daily and we don't know what to do. I have some health problems and my husband works out of town through the week. But I love my grandaughters more than life and I know sacrifices have to be made (we've made so many already). I just don't want to do the wrong thing. Sorry for the long post; I tried to be brief. I could just really use some advice. Thanks and God bless all of you for what you do for your own grandchildren.
deleted_user
deleted_user
make an appt or call a lawyer and ask what if anything can you do.
If you ask Google a question it'll take you places. ASk a legal question and it shouold come to an area where you can ask a lawyer on line. I ran across one the other day it gave different prices and one of them was a $15 donation.
You need to think of some questions to ask the girls and aslo other questions to ask dad and step mom. It maybe the girls are pre teen and wanting to not listen do chores etc...and with grand parents think they would have it made.
If they are truely being neglated call or have someone to call family services or have the girls speak to there councler at school.
deleted_user
deleted_user
If it is really bad, and you are ready for the battle, call Child Protective Services (or such in your area). They can legally place the girls with you and dad won't have much say. However, you may lose all contact with your son over this. But the big picture is what is good for the girls. Good luck. God bless you.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Thank God these girls have had you in their life all along. Have you sat down with your son and talked to him about what these children have been through? I'm not sure where you live but there is a free clinic in our state. You actually talk with a lawyer and they help you with all the paperwork for court. I have done all of my paperwork this way with the court because a lawyer is really expensive. Please let us know how things turn out for you. We do all care.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Thanks to all of you so much for your advice. I don't want to lose our son (he's our only child) so I have to tread carefully. He just learned yesterday that he's losing his job, which will mean no medical coverage for the children (& his pregnant girlfriend doesn't work). He also suffers from depression and often talks about not wanting to live, so that is also a factor. I know my story is complicated but I just hurt so badly and have no support here at home. He is paying for his bad decisions (he admits that) but the girls are innocent. I think I may have to work up the nerve to just confront him with the way he treats his chldren. As you can tell, I'm very confused. The 13 yr. old is at such a vulnerable age and she talks about running away. The 11 yr. old has mentioned hurting herself. Right now, I'm just praying very hard for wisdom. Thanks again to all of you & God bless!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Any chance of sitting down with him now and telling him you know how much he is struggling and you want to help?? Sympathize with him and then tell him that you could take the girls for a "little while" while he gets back on his feet. That could give him a break from the extra stress and give the girls the home they need WITHOUT making him feel as if he is a rotten father and unable to care for his kids. Don't know if it will work for your situation, but if it does, you will have your granddaughters, they will have a home, your son will still have his self-respect AND you will still have your son. Good luck and God bless you all.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I hope this works out for you and your grandchildren. I say don't tell your son anything until you know for sure what can be done. I know your heart is breaking for your grandchildren, and you want the best for them. Really This is about them. GOD BLESS
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hi, I don't know if this would be helpful or not, but what if you approached your son about the girls just staying with you for a short term while things getter better for him. That you want to support him and the new baby on the way and that maybe a rest from the daily stress of the girls would be good for him while he looks for a new job. Tell him only temporary and that you just want to lend a helping hand. Don't even talk about the money he receives regarding their mother let him keep it, if it is considered "temp" no one needs to know they aren't with him just with you to give him a break. I would bet the odds being he lets the girls stay after he realizes how much happier they are, and if he is depressed it would give him a break and probably he would realize that and back off and not pressure for them to come home. Just a thought. It might help get the ball rolling. BUT please remember if these children are damaged as you described they are going to drain you emotionally and physically and if your husband is away a lot, it all rests on yours shoulders. You don't want to burn out and be of no use to anyone, and unhappy your self, so think about you as well. Good Luck and God bless you.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I am overwhelmed at the support, kind words and advice you have all given me. Mummsie, I like what you said. If I can put it in the right words, it might possibly work. He has always been threatened (& jealous) by our close relationship with his girls. And now he wants them to draw closer to his girlfriend instead of me. That would be fine if she were capable of being a good step-mother but I've not seen any signs yet. She got mad the other day at the 13 yr. old. She said "why don't you just adopt yourself out". My son either doesn't hear or ignores it. It breaks the girls' hearts because they thought this time, they would really have a mother. But anyway, when I work up the courage to speak with my son, I have to be so very careful. As an example, he wouldn't let them come to our house this weekend (it's Saturday) because they've been here 3 weekends in a row. He said he wanted them there but he has barely acknowledged that they are even there. By the way, I posted a picture of "my" girls. If you all get a chance, please take a look. Again, thanks so very much to all of you special people.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Oh my goodness, are they ever cute. The older one in the photo of the two of them together looks like my oldest one! You can tell that they know they are loved. Good luck and God bless you all.
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