Grandparents Raising Children Support Group

This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.

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Hi everyone, I am new to this group. I have been raising my grandson since he was born,now 15 yrs. old.My daughter,his mother had a drug problem and I believe she still does,even though she won't admit it.She lived with us of and on for the first seven years of my grand son's life. She finally moved out with a new boyfriend and left her son with my husband and I.She did want to take him, but I went to court in 2002 and got perament guardian because she and her boyfriend were doing drugs.His father is a alcoholic and can't take care of himself, let alone his son.
My grandson has ADHD and severe emotional problems. Has been in couseling for seven years and now doesn't want to go anymore.I have been reading several of your posts.The first issue is I live in a state where I receive food stamps and medical for my grandson which helps. My husband became disabled last year and had to go on social secruity, I ask if we could collect something for my grandson threw his social secruity and they said NO he is not your child.Talk about being pissed off,we have had him his whole life,he himself says grammy your like my mother, not my grandmother.Why do they do more for foster parents then us, I give foster parents a blessing for doing what ther are doing for children,but in the same sence,we count also for caring for our grandchildren.Our life revolves around our grandson,our friends are gone, there doing there own thing.
I have gone back to couseling myself,feel so alone at times, can't talk to my daughter or his father without ending in a screaming match. My heart goes out to my grandson and all the other grandchildren being raised by there grandparents,for there parents do not what they have done to these children(emotionally) that will last them a life time.I love my grandson with all my heart and would die for him and he knows it, but he longs for his mother and father's love and attention, and the anger he feels towards them is eating him up.Thank God he has a great social worker in school that he can talk to.I just wanted to vent, thanks for listening,God Bless All Grandparents.
mMnnuela

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Welcome to the group mannuela...feel free to vent away because all of us here are just as frustrated as you are. There is little if any funding for us grandparents. I get a care allowance of $200 a month...however there is talk that it is going to be done away with...I will not keep my mouth closed on this issue. I am in Canada where our foster parents get loads of funding and help...to me this is NOT fair that we get little or nothing...we are doing the same job as foster parents however our situation in most cases is permanent. I have had my 2 year old grand daughter since she was 10 days old...my daughter suffered severe post partum depression and was in denial for months...I am fortunate however because she finally got help and is doing well now...while she was recovering she found herself pregnant again...but she took responsibility this time and is able to take care of her soon who is now a year old and she is doing well...she has a wonderful relationship with my grand daughter. There are going to be questions..but we will answer them when the time comes. My daughter spends alot of time with my grand daughter...but she is only 21 and going back to school so she is not able to care for 2 small children. We have decided to adopt our grand daughter...however that has been placed on a back burner because my husband lost his job due to re-structuring and has not been able to find another job since last month. It's a day to day struggle for sure...I also have an 18 year old daughter at home...just finished high school and is working. We have a wonderful relationship with my grand daughter's other grandparents...they're wonderful people...however my grand daughter's father is a lazy irresponsible ass...has only paid $200 in child support in 2 years...can't hold a job...etc....drug tests came back positive..so he has supervised visits only. We have to do what is best for the children...if the parents want to ruin their lives...so be it...but I'll be damned if they're gonna take these innocent children down with them. God Bless you and your family...and again welcome to our group.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Hello KathyAK
Thank you for your welcome.We border you and I, I am from Maine,my mother and father would take me to StAnneDeBrue,if I am spelling it correctly.It was a church where people would ask for miracles( I was a (very sickly child) we went every July in the 50's and 60's.I am glad to hear your daughter is doing well.I am a firm believer that God only gives us what we can handle.Your gd is a litte doll, bless you and your family.Thanks again for your welcome.
mannuela
daisydduck
daisydduck

dito on the welcome....we're here for each other. My husband also disabled for past 22 years. Adopted our grandson who is now 18. I am on our State Task Force for Grandparents Raising Grandchildren. Question for you: has anyone mentioned anything about your grandson suffering Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or Attachment Disorder? Also, many of these kids never go through the grieving process of losing their parents and get labelled as behavior problems in school when they are actually acting out because they do not know how to grieve. It's never too late to get help with dealing with these things. I know they tried to blame everything on my grandson or us instead of looking for the real problems. We found help a few years ago and counseling has helped now that we have been going in the right direction. I know it is so frustrating. Hang in there! You are not alone (though I know what you mean).
deleted_user
deleted_user

Welcome to the group and feel free to vent anytime

My g/s is 2 now I have had him for over a year now my daughter and her husband are getting a divorce she just recently found out she is bi-polar the father is a full time student and works a full time job my daughter is 20 and very immature and has a hard time holding down a job but is doing better with the bi-polar since she had been on treatment the father pays child support and even extra when he gets his school money each semester some times he will ask to pay part but has always caught it up we have told my daughter when she gets a job she has to start paying child support just because it is the responsible thing to do the only thing we get is medical for my g/s
deleted_user
deleted_user

Kathy I was wondering does your daughter pay child support for your grand daughter? Just wondering
Kat51
Kat51

Welcome Mannuela,

My grandson is also 15 years old, also has ADHD, his father is also an alcoholic, and his mother is bi-polar, so we have a couple things in common. Teen years are hard enough without the added stress of immature parents who can't get it together for their kid. I hope your grandson can get through these tough times. I don't know if this will help him or not, but whenever my grandson would get angry and complain about his mother, I just told him 'that's just the way she is, you can't change her no matter how much you want it, so the only thing you can do is learn to live with it and accept that she is what she is.'

God bless you and your grandson - I hope things get better for him.
deleted_user
deleted_user

kat51,My daughter was also diagnose with bi-polar when she was 27 and ADD,they put her on meds which worked for awhile. She now sells half her meds,it just never ends.My grandson knows about her bi-polar and past drug abuse,he thinks that he will have bi-polar.I do explain that his mother is the way she is and just has to accept that. He at this time doesn't want to accept it, we are working on this though.He believes in his heart that his mother hates him,I tell him his mother is sick,she does love you, she just doesn't know how to be a mother to you. His couselor said that they are more like brother and sister than mother and son.I have been told over the years by several professionals to keep him away from his mother,but I still feel he needs to know his mother no matter bad things look.Thanks for listening.God Bless All Grandparents & Grandchildren
deleted_user
deleted_user

Hi granna.....actually no she doesn't actually physically pay child support...she is on assistance and has her son Aidan...she gets very little...BUT she does buy her clothes...toys...takes her to the children's museum and out for lunches now and then...plus spends alot of quality time with her...she's also going back to school. On the other hand there is no excuse why Angelina's father can't contribute...he's just lazy...can't hold a job to save his ass....has only paid $200 in 2 years....what a joke...but that's ok....Angelina will know this when she's older...he will have to answer to her....besides when hubby and I get back on our feet we are going ahead with adopting Angelina...then her so called father can literally kiss my ass...LOL
deleted_user
deleted_user

Oh ok I was just nosey lol my daughter dont pay either but we told her when she gets a job and gets on her feet she has to start helping I feel if I take money form her that I would have to some how give it back to her after all she is my daughter anyway money cant buy quality time and I know I tried to pay my daughter to watch her son while I work
deleted_user
deleted_user

Child support...what is that????
AS far as the subject ..my son the father does not pay and the mom either. And neither one helps out with anything period!!!! It would be so nce to have help with day care when needed, clothes for school etc....
ANyway.........YES WELCome, Mannuela.
We have had ri permentally for 4 years,but the other 4 years she was with us most of the time, plus because our son never would pay child support we paid the $75 a week, plus instead of a babysitter I watched her 5 days a week,plus we paid for all of her daipers etc.......
Yea we were stupid, paying out child support plus keeping the baby for her, plus I would drive to pick her up to watch her.
Feel free to vent, I sure do my share of venting and whinning both........
And yes your right he only gives us what we can handle.
But you know he has brought us all together on here, as a team I think we can get these laws changed!!!!!!
deleted_user
deleted_user

jade5
As far as child support--father has paid me $50.00 four times in six years that I had the support threw the courts turn over to me.My daughter gives me money for school cloths when she feels like it.She received $9,000.00 that was suppose to go to our grandson from back child support,never gave us or her son a dime. The court is looking into this matter,how this mistake was made. The money is gone.I am exhasted from going to court,a waste of time.I do what I HAVE TO DO FOR MY GRANDSON.My grandson says when he is old enough he is going to take them to court.God Bless You All
deleted_user
deleted_user

Granna205,
Don't take this wrong but WHY do you have to pay your daughter to watch her own son.When my daughter lived with us she paid $50.00 a week board,she is adult,we supplied housing,food I did her laundry,etc they need to know how to be responsible. My couselor at the time said it was to cheap,she was spending the rest of her money on drugs.I am the first to help my children in any way I can,but they need to take responsibly.
God Bless You
deleted_user
deleted_user

Hello, I to am new to the group. I'm sitting here with my 2yr.old Grandson. I have had him for 18 months of his life. And I cannot tell you enough, how you sound just like me. We have no rights at all. I am a cashier and I see these so called parents come in and have 3 or 4 children. All with dirty little faces and the mom buys something small and then wants $20 cash back... Teeth all rotten and ugly. Duh!!!! what is she going to buy?? And she pays for it with a card provided to her.By the State, Money and food. I cannot not tell you how angry I would get... My Grandson's mother goes to court in the morning. This will be her 3rd. time in jail she has been there longer this time.The father my son is living 100 miles away just to kinda stay out of trouble. At least the 6 months taught him he does not want to go back. My questions to you are 1. How do I not get angry about having this child, because there parents are not here. I'm NOT angry at my Grandson, he loves me like his mother and calls me Mudder.He is my life. 2. I never want to give him back. Is that wrong. Please understand the town I live in has a population of 230 people. I have to see these people and hear about what they are doing. Yes, there is a Grandpa but he is to busy with his friends and drinking to give me help without an argument. But that is another part of this mess I seem to be in. Thank you for letting me vent and ask a few questions.