Grandparents Raising Children Support Group

This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.

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All this anger

deleted_user
deleted_user
How do I deal with the anger towards my daughter the mother of my one and only grandaughter? I joined this support group,I'm reading what others are going thru with their kids the "parents" of these children we are rasing.However my daughter doesn't have drug or alcohol problems, she just doesn't "want" to be a parent due to her own selfishness. I had 4 children,I rasied all but one on my own,doing whatever it took to raise them,being a father and a mother. It wasn't easy, but I wanted my children to be kids and not see the difficult part of life. However with all the challanges I have faced this is the most difficult "one of my children acts as if her own child is trash to be put out for collection". My husband and myself have pretty much put our "life" on hold to raise our grandaughter.No trips,no honeymoon,no date nights, basically no life being "grandparents" just"parents" of a 4 y.o. child. My day includes getting her up at 7am for headstart, driving her to the bus stop whatever the weather{I live in Alaska}getting her on the bus,driving home, rushing to get the things done I need to do in my short time,go back to pick her up from the bus...deal with behavior problems from school{everyday}then home again to finish our day to start all over again.My husband works in a remote area, his schedule is 6 weeks on 2 weeks home, so I am again rasing a child by myself for the most part. My anger in my daughters disreguard is eating me up inside,I don't even want to speak with her.Halloween really made me mad she lives close by and I had asked her to participate in taking her daughter trick or treating..She had no interest or "time" instead she went to the bar to hang out with "adults" I don't drink but would have welcomed a much needed break. Please help me, your suggestons are greatly needed.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I can feel your pain and anger. I have gotten to the point where I don't want to talk to my daughter anymore. Everytime she calls she makes her son promises and never (and I mean never) follows through. All this does is create problems and I am the one who has to deal with it. Hell, she's got it made. She goes out everyday and doesn't have responsiblilty 1. It must be nice to be able to do what you want, when you want. Our daughter's could care less about giving us time for ourselves. The sad thing is, you might as well get use to it. I know now that I can't depend on my daughter for anything. She is nothing more than a deadbeat mother and I am sad to say, I gave birth to her. Did your daughter want to keep her baby or give her up for adoption when she was pregnant? Just know that all of us goes through happy, angry and sad times together. Please write me anytime.
deleted_user
deleted_user
While my daughter does see her son and talks to him daily, I am the one who has to make the hard decisions. I'm like the mother and she is there for the fun times. I guess I am lucky for that time she does spend with him. He sees both of his parents even though they are no longer together but this is his home and my husband and I are his stability. Your grandchild is also lucky to have you for stability in her life.
Kat51
Kat51
Oh how I can relate! My daughter is was not on drugs, alcohol, or in jail either. She wanted to have a baby but she didn't want to be a mother. She tried for the first couple of months, then she said she didn't want him. We've raised him ever since. Oh the number of times she called and told him she was coming to visit then just never showed up. Then she would not answer our calls for a few weeks until she thought we'd be over being angry. The times I held him while he sobbed his heart out - on his birthday, holidays, etc., after she just didn't show up and didn't call. Now he's 14 years old, and I think she would finally be ready to be a mother to him, but it's too late. His life is here with us - his school, friends, sports teams - he would not want to leave. And, we would not want him to leave either. She will regret her choice for the rest of her life, but there are just some things you can't take back. Please know my prayers are with you and I hope that things will get better as your granddaughter gets older and does not need so much care. We all do what we need to do and somehow we get by.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I will say this, while she is in this mode of not wanting anything to do with her toddler, ask her to give up her parenting rights. Now is the time to do it because other wise one day she will start wanting to control you through the child,so put a stop to it right now.
It is so rough. I miss the me time, but I am starting to get a little me time now.If your daughter simply just does not want to be a mom nobody can force it. The little girl is very blessed to have you and you her.
You had said she doesn't have drug or drinking problem, but I noticed she chose a bar over her child on Halloween night. Maybe she is having a problem with drinking and is just hiding it from you.
I heard the other day that it is to the point of 60% of Grand parents are raising there grand children. Just guessing but help is on the way. We just need to hold tight and stay strong for these baby's, we are all they have. You have my support.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You cant make your daughter be a mother...and honestly it sounds like your grandson is better off without her being an active part in his life. Anyone can be a mother...but it takes a someone special to be a MOM.
Good luck!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hi
I have a similar situation. However the mother of the children I am raising is not my daughter. She is my boyfriends daughter. I know the anger I feel towards her for taking my life away from me. She actually gets anger when I bother her with the mundane task of being a mother. I cannot imagine if this were my own child. It has caused a severe rift in the relationship with man I had intended to marry. I just cannot imagine what would be more important than your own child. I really do feel your pain and anger. Please feel free to write anytime you want to get something off of your chest.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hi! I'm new to this. Have been reading some of these posts. Sounds just like what I've been dealing with.I have a 10 year old granddaughter.I have been her primary caregiver since birth cause my 27 year old daughter does't seem to care about anybody but herself!Everything you said about your daughter sounds just like mine!My daughter has always put her friends first before family.I get so angry with her.She has bipolar so that really makes thing difficult.She sees nothing wrong with her carefree lifestyle.On the other hand myself and the husband don't have alife cause we are the responsible ones raising the granddaughter.They both live with us.Only thing is the daughter is here only to clean up and sleep(which is mostly all day cause she partys all night every nite!) But anyway, just wanted to say hi! and I know how you feel.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hi;
Your anger is understandable. How can people just give up on their on children. They were not raised like that. You show your daughter love,understanding and taught her right from wrong. But like my daughter they don't make the sacrafices we did when they were children. I am very angry at my daughter, she took my grandparent relationship and made me and my husband parents again, while she lives in another state and never visits or calls her children in 5 years. Frankly if she was on drugs or just crazy I could understand her actions.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hi;
Your anger is understandable. How can people just give up on their on children. They were not raised like that. You show your daughter love,understanding and taught her right from wrong. But like my daughter they don't make the sacrafices we did when they were children. I am very angry at my daughter, she took my grandparent relationship and made me and my husband parents again, while she lives in another state and never visits or calls her children in 5 years. Frankly if she was on drugs or just crazy I could understand her actions.
deleted_user
deleted_user
My daughter had a child at 18 years old, quit school, moved to Mexico with the dad for a while before the baby was born. My grand daughter has lived with us since she was born and her mom moved out when the baby was 8 months old. She has rages,manic tendencies,is living with another guy and pregnant again. She sees the baby maybe twice a month for a few hours. No drugs or alcohol. Now she is talking about when she gets her life together and more financially set she wants the baby back. We have been legal guardians since one year.I am torn and fearful for the baby--but out lawyer says the courts always decide for the mom. Waiting in constant limbo is driving me crazy.
sunni185
sunni185
The anger gets to me alot also, we all have been there. I Thank God for DS, it is finally a place where we can vent and support each other. hang in there, we are all in the same boat.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Yes, the anger sometimes masks my fear for the safety and well-being of my grandchild. My daughter has shown no real interest in her daughter, and when she sees her she asks me the stupidist, common sense questions--she fives her whole sandwiches and hard whole tortillia chips.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Boy, I sure did not expect such a huge response to this post, it just shows how much we all have in common and that we can share it here on DS.Thank goodness for this site it has truly saved my sanity, as well as giving me friends that understand me.

Thanks to all
Grandma Melody
deleted_user
deleted_user
I do not understand how the courts can decide with a person just because they are the biological parent. It makes me so mad. I have been keeping notes about what my fiances' daughter and ex husband do or do not do with the children. I also keep notes as to their excuses they have for not being a parent, (i.e. too broke, too sick, no gas money, etc.) I feel like there are no excuses for not taking care of your children. I really feel your pain and anger. I have really been working on trying to accept the way things have turned out but some days it's just not that easy. If you ever want to talk I'm here and I understand.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I can soooo identify with your anger. I am the greatgrandmother of twin 2yr old boys and am in the process of adopting. Not only has my granddaughter given up her parental rights but my daughter (the boys grandmother) has decided that at 40yrs old she could not give up her life for her grandsons. I am very angry at both of them. I cannot understand such selfishness. But when those boys put their arms around me, give me kisses, or make me laugh - my anger turns to sympathy because neither one of those women know what they are missing. The boys are teaching me that this event in my life is less a sacrifice and more a blessing. (Although there are days that I wished I wasn't so blessed ha-ha).
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