"Metal bars do not a prison make", but mental bars can. Being married and secretly gay for over 27 years has given me a sense of imprisonment. I am going insane with the thoughts of what I may have missed over the years by not giving into my gay tendency. I see through the eyes of other gay men, by their stories, of their happiness and pains of comming out and it makes my wall of bars have a few missing rods but not enough for me to squeeze through. I was "country" raised with the adage concerning the wrong side of what I was feeling inside. This kept me from becoming close to another man. I feared that I might do or say something that would mark me in my rural community. Society has placed many of the bars that surround me but I also am to blame. I became shy and witdrawn. I could never let men into my inner life, the risk would have been too great. I beleive in love. I married and have always loved and been there for my wife and three children. My needs were never fully met. Like the Randy Travis song (On the other hand) my left hand is who I have made myself to be. It supports a wedding band and a particular way of thinking, but on the other hand... I am no longer copeing well in my prison. I am having thoughts of breaking out but then I think of my family and what it might do to them and their lives. I beleive I will go insane if I do not address my "other hand". I have no close male friends. No one to help me.
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