Dear MrsMom,

First, let me start by telling you how wonderful you are a mother and how much you are attempting to be a good friend as well.

Second, how lucky you are to have such a brave and self aware young man in your life. Though he does not realize it as of yet, he will be one of the most understanding and self sufficient gay men of his generation.

Please know that what you are about to read was not as easy as it may seem. Growing up gay and lesbian takes a special person beyond their sexual orientation.

At the age of 5 my mother and housekeeper asked me what I wanted when I grew up. A normal question to ask a young child, thinking that I would say is like my father, a fireman or doctor I said I wanted a husband, a nice house like we had and a fireplace.

Both of them seemed to be shocked at first, and then just brushed it off as a child speaking without full knowledge or understanding. How wrong they were.

On Thanksgiving Day, at 8 am, when I was 13 I came out to my parents. Let me be completely honest with you, at the time I did not have the word gay, we were homosexual, queer, fag or any other ugly name that could be spewed our direction.

All I could do was to tell them that I was homosexual and that for me to be the honest person that I am, to live up to their teachings I had to be completely honest with them and myself. Those words were brave and strong for a frightened 13 year old, who thought that when my best friend and I slept holding hands we were close to having had sex.

Today, even sharing that makes me embarrassed and brings me a smile for our naivety. In the process of coming out, which later I learned was called breaking camp at the time I discovered more about myself and my parents.

Through all of our tears and my absolute terror we found a middle ground so to speak. They asked what they did to cause me to be gay. I had no honest answer or understanding, but I said I guess just having me. How true that actually is.

Back in the early 70s there was no Facebook, my space or personal computers to network within. Then it was all word of mouth, which if you tell the right person, word spreads fast.

My father, I believe told everyone he knew, all of the business associates and our employees. Not that he was proud of it, you know it is not like having a war hero in the family, but he wanted them to understand that he was behind me. He did not have to agree, like or accept it, he just had to keep on loving me, and the same went for my mother.

Now here is the tricky part, at that time, like your son I was going through puberty. With hormones raging enough, and throw in the gay thing I felt overwhelmed most of everyday. It was then that I came up with a plan, and I implemented that plan immediately.

Mom and I use to sit and talk in the evenings, not about the sexual orientation, just about life and topics of interest that we shared in common. The one evening we were talking and I said I need your help. She looked lovingly as mothers do, you know that look, and said what can I do to help you?

I said I have a couple of my sisters and a brother (3 out of 10 kids) who I can talk with about my feelings, concerns and my fears. I have a lot of them I reported to her with reluctance. So what can I do she asked me?

I told her you are my mother and I love you dearly, but I also need for you to be my friend, this way we can know and trust each other without hesitation. I can share with you my thoughts, feelings and you can, without prejudice provide me with the truth.

She said we are friends, I said NO, what I mean is we need to be able to turn off the parent-child switch and turn on the friend switch without hesitation or question. So we agreed to try our best and also agreed to be easy on each other as we were just learning to know each other better.

When I needed her to be my friend I would say Peg can we talk. Mom knew that what ever after that she needed to see me as a friend and not as the protective loving mother. It took us months to work through the details and to set up the rules, but from that day forth, until she died in 1994 we were true best friends.

Mom shared with me parts of her life she NEVER shared with anyone else, and I did the same. She was an amazing mother and friend, while today she is an extraordinary angel.

I do not suggest that you change the dynamics of your relationship; I am only suggesting that you both learn to listen differently to each other.

Your son, though very young is an independent young man. Someone to whom I am sure that you are most proud of. Lending him your support and loving him unconditionally will strengthen your bond.

There is a coming out forum, gay and lesbian teen forum on here which he could find support. However, there are also individuals who may to be the best influence for him. Introduce him to this site, and there is Gay Living A Real Life Adventure group (which I founded) and Gay Mens forum (which Tim founded, a real saint) that your son may also consider.

They are of mature themes but for the most part there is little vulgar talk, no nudity but a great group of men and younger individuals who he may just connect with. For his safety and your comfort levels set up guidelines and agree that they are just to prevent him from being taken advantage of.

Sit down with him, show him the site and speak openly and honestly with him while addressing your own concerns. Make this a part of the two of you bonding, accepting him and sharing his life with support and admiration.

At anytime, please feel free to contact me, you and your son together are both welcome to chat with me at any given time.

Life, as challenging as it can be, it is also full of wonder and mystery. The two of you can explore a new found understanding of each other.

You did not mention his father, is this a potential issue for him?

By the way, in closing I would like to say that it is a real honor and privilege to meet you and to have you share your story.

Respectfully,
Jerry

@MrsMom - I want you to know that ia as brave, intellegent and compassionate as you seem to be, your son has a much smoother path than you can imagine. People can be very cruel and the struggles will be challenging but as long as he knows that he has your unconditional love he will get through anything. He will come to friends in school - we all do. You already seem to have such an excellent handle on this. Of course you want to be care of the internet activity, the phone numbers - you are the parent but you are striking a balance in being a friend. Let him know that he has space to explore but there are boundries. There are many good groups. One that you may have already checked is PFLAG - great resources. Also, hold his school accountable for your son's safety! You'll know if something has happened but it is the school responsibilty to insure his safety. And get into a habit of documenting the harrassment, dates, times, people , actions- so that you have something to take as far up the ladder as you need to. Thank you for sharing and giving us the chance to share with you.

Dear MrsMom,

Thank you so much for caring about your son and also trying to understand him. I think a lot of parents want to "manage the condition" of their gay children, and often have a hard time understanding. I just want to thank you for you hard work in learning to parent a gay son.
I think the other responses on here have much more wisdom than I can offer, but I did think of a couple of websites to suggest.
There may be things that he feels he can't tell you about. Sometimes kids try to protect their families from what's happening at school. You're probably already aware of this resource, but if your son feels overwhelmed, it might help him to contact the Trevor Project. http://www.thetrevorproject.org/ Their work is in suicide prevention, and while it sounds like your son is doing well, it might help him to know there are professional people out there who will listen to anything he has to say.
There are some really moving videos at http://www.itgetsbetter.org/ Sometimes teenagers can't imagine how things might be better in the future and these videos address that very issue. Gay, Lesbian, and Straight adults have recorded their stories to encourage younger people who may be losing hope. There are everyday folks (some members of this group have recorded messages) as well as celebrities, politicians, athletes and professionals. I know this isn't much, but I hope it helps a little.

As a 47 y/o gay male who never had the balls to come out to his own family, I applaud you for your understanding and willingness to be a part of this kid's life in such a profound way...he may not realize it yet but he is a very lucky kid. My only advice to you would be to always, always listen when he is ready to talk...and sometimes JUST listen...a response is not always necessary but what is necessary is a compassionate ear and a hug of understanding...You, my friend, are an exemplary parent!

There isn't much more to say that hasn't been said by these wonderful gents. You're a terrific mom and your son is very lucky to have you in his corner, believe me I think it will make a huge difference in his life. Being gay doesn't define who we are, it's only a minute part of what makes up the whole. I would get him in one of the gay teen forums here, or if he is mature, you might want to let him check out some of the adult forums. Supervise him if it makes you uneasy, and watch who he chats with, but I personally think it would do him good.

There are certain things he won't want to discuss with "mom" and having a gay "mentor" per say, may be just what he needs. He should be able to talk open and freely about feelings, sex, etc with other gay peers who share those same feelings. Many of us have been out for a number of years and would gladly relate our experiences. I know I do what I can to prevent people from making the same mistakes I have. I am also a huge advocate of safe sex, having AIDS myself. I'd be happy to discuss that with him and alert him to the dangers of "low risk" transmissions.

Whatever you decide, make him part of that decision. Check out the groups yourself, you'll see they are pretty harmless. If he needs and wants that social interaction I think you should let him try it. Just a thought...

Thank you everyone for your replies.
And I don't know if I am a good mom or not; all I know is my son is my son, gay, straight, whatever...my love for him is truly unconditional. But is sure is nice to hear once in a while!

Jerry, you asked about his father...
unfortunately, my son does not have my husband's full support. In the past my husband and I have talked about this privately and he's always said he would have a very hard time of it if his son turned out to be gay.
When this all came to a head, my husband told our son that while he doesn't agree with it, he loves him anyway...his response could have been better, but definitely could have been worse, so I took this as a victory.

I've read all your responses and given it a great deal of thought and I think I'm going to allow my son an account here on DS.
I think it's vitally important that he have peers he can talk with...Tim, you hit the nail on the head when you said there would probably be things he wouldn't want to bring to me because I'm his mom.
There's already been a few instances where he's brought up sex to me and I just don't feel I'm the right person to talk with. I'm not a boy and I'm not gay; how can I give him advice if I'm not able to fully understand where he's coming from?

Jerry, I really like your advice of turning off the parent/child switch...of learning to listen differently, and I think I'm going to sit him down and discuss that with him. That way if there is something he wants to bring to me but is afraid of what 'mom' will say, he will have a way where he can talk with me and not be afraid of punishment.

Ford...
The school and I have talked extensively about the teasing and I believe they have done the best they can to protect him. Unfortunately there were times when my son brought the teasing onto himself...example...he got into a fight with another boy over being called a 'fag', but my son used the same name to describe himself just a few days prior.
Thankfully his guidance counselor is a wonderful woman who really knows how to work with kids of this age. She helped us through the struggles last year and has kept an eye on things this year.
And...I think my son now realizes that he can't blame the other kids for name calling if he's displaying the same exact behavior. I think he just needed to grow and mature a little for this to sink in.

TreeGuy...
Thank you for those websites, I was not aware of them. I haven't taken the time yet to check them out, but I'm excited to see what resources they have to offer.
Suicide was an issue last year and while things are much better now, I'd still like to be armed with the right information in case things take a negative turn once again.
I'm really interested in itgetsbetter.org and will be spending some time on there later this afternoon.

Usedup...yes, I agree...sometimes just listening is all a person needs. I think your advice goes hand in hand with Jerry's advice of turning off the parent switch - I want my son to be confident in the knowledge that he can come to me with anything and while I may not be able to offer a solution, I will at least listen and allow him space to air his frustrations.

Thanks again for your wonderful advice...my only goal in all of this is to help my son. I've never been a 13 year old boy, and I've never been a 13 year old gay boy...I'm really at a loss here.

Would you all mind if I stuck around the board for a little while? I certainly don't want to intrude and I understand that this isn't a teenagers group, but I might gain a better understanding of my son if I hear what other men are dealing with.
It's unfortunate, but my husband isn't really much of a help in this area...being gay aside, our son is a very different kid than my husband was at this age and they really can't relate to one another.

Thanks again!

Mrs.Mom,

I beleive that everyone is welcome here. You are a concerned parent and you are doing your level best to help your son through two difficult aspects of his life, puberty as a gay young man, while he is accepting and becoming self aware.

Please, I encourage to continue to take what ever steps you need to in order to feel comfortable with yourself and your son.

Let me make one statement which will most likely get me a nasty gram or two from other members:

I developed the idea, at an early age to not be hurt by the cruel words, statements and actions of those who are ignorant or less tolerant of those of us who are different.

I examined the following words: Fag, Faggot, queer, homo, c/sucker, butt buddy (not trying to offend you either) . What I did was look at those vial and hurtful words from the point of the person saying them.

It was at that point I accepted the fact that those individuals were afraid, afraid for themselves. All of a sudden they are confronting, public their own fears and concerns for their sexuality.

Whether based in reality or not, they have to look within themselves, remembering looking at another boys penis in the shower, etc. This ultimately confuses them and to protect their own image they attempt to belittle one who is comfortable and honest with himself.

After accepting that some boys (most likely the culpret) were resonding out of fear then I better understood their need to attempt to belittle me. Unfortunately for them I do not frighten easily and would never show them that they hurt me in anyway. That would only give them the power over me, which NO ONE has that right .

So I would call my self fag, faggot, queer, etc to myself. Privately, I got use to the words and removed the sting and the pain which accompanies them. Once I accepted that, then their words had no effect.

I will share with you that one of the guys who I went to school with, who gave me the most difficult time had at one time been a good friend, long before I came out. The 9th grade year he was on a mission to create me as much pain as he could. Though it never worked he finally stopped right before Christmas break.

The first day of our Christmas break I received a call from him. He asked if he could come over and talk to me. I told him he could, but I would not listen to his vial bullshit. He arrived at 9 if I remember, and we sat in my room and he cried for hours.

He admitted to me that he had thought of us as boyfriends when we were younger, like dating he reported. When I came out, he was so lost and afraid he could only think of getting me to stop agreeing that I was gay. That way we would be friends again.

We spent every day and most nights together at each others homes. By the end of the 3 weeks, we were dating and even more, I will leave it at that.

I thought as soon as school started we would be back to the same old fag routine. We were not, he actually told everyone that we were dating. Which shocked me, him and them.

I do not make the suggestion that this is what any of the boys who are teasing your son will or would have happen, I am only saying that there are gay boys in that school that are teasing him.

I keep you and your family in my prayers and I wish you blessing.

As for your husband, at some point he will realize that this is not a reflection of his manhood or that of his son. It is just a wonderful gift of a special young man in his life. If he would perhaps include your son in some special activity I believe that they will both learn to accept and grow close to each other.

Just my opinion.

Jerry

You are certainly welcome to any of the boards. Nice to have you with us.

Hi Mrs. Mom,

I realize that everyone who's already posted here has just about given you as good as advice and encouragement as anyone could. I do want to add my two cents though, even if they have already been abundantly expressed.

Kudos to you for being as terrific a mother as you are. If my parents had been as accepting as you are, my life may have been different. As far as I'm concerned, the fact that both you and he are dealing with this issue at this point in his life is a good thing. I spent so many wasted years hating myself (and I'm not too old either) that I think your son will be able to have because he has your love and support.

In the parental role, at least so far as I (a gay son) see it, is to listen. To be there non-judgmentally. You of course, must, absolutely must, keep your son's safety always at the forefront of your mind. There may be times when you don't know what to say to him...but that's okay. That's the perfect time to ask a question and find out what he thinks. I can tell you from my own relationship with my mother that this sort of thing only helped our relationship.

One of the things though, that I think you need to do is to find the closest chapter of PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) you'll be able to find so much support there, people who have gone through what you're embarking on and able to provide support for you...one of the things my mother has constantly said to me is that I'm the only gay child she's ever had to raise and she doesn't have any friends who have gay children. I think she could empathize with your feeling of isolation (if that is indeed how you feel).

I don't participate much. I wish I could more, but all too often I feel like I don't have anything to say. But as far as I'm concerned, you are more than welcome on our board. You've reached out in a great and tremendous way and I don't think there's anyone here who would reject you because you aren't a gay man. All are always welcome.

With much appreciation for your strength,
SA

Dear MrsMom, you said ..."I want my son to be confident in the knowledge that he can come to me with anything and while I may not be able to offer a solution, I will at least listen and allow him space to air his frustrations. " Wow, if only my parents would have thought that way in the late 70's when I came out to them. I had no support of any kind from family. So the torment continued into high school where I finally started meeting other gay students. My father and brother never accepted me and as a result I never really got to know my father before his death, due to his distancing himself from me. Please, Don't let that happen to them. Also to this day my brother and I only speak at Holiday family gatherings and not much more than a simple hello. Simply because I am gay. If you see any signs of distancing between his father or other siblings, please try to prevent it. Well thats all I have to add to all the fantastic information above. Keep us posted. - JIM.

it might help ur husband to think about this...
being a teen is hard enough for a straight kid, being gay is even worse. suicide is not uncommon for gay teens who experience rejection from family and friends, he needs all support he can get.

Have you looked into gay youth community groups? We have something in Austin called OutYouth. Also, there are several churches that are welcoming and affirming. Do your research first, because there are also several that aren't, but church has given me a great sense of community and it's a good way to meet people.


Your husband sounds like he's making this about himself, and that's a drag. Your son deserves support from both parents. Disapproval over robbing a liquor store, burning down the house or flunking out of school are things I can understand, but how can someone disapprove of their own child for who they are? Good for you for being extra supportive.

Here's a link to a page honoring a mother who was a heroic advocate for protecting kids from gay bashing in schools. http://www.gabiclayton.com/wagner.htm There are resources here, as well as a powerful short story from the boy's father that I hope you can get your husband to read called, "The Boy Who Doesn't Fit In."

Dear MrsMom - You are awesome. The only thing I can say repeating others is that supporting your son will give him courage and the strength he needs to overcome anything. As said before, give him space but ensure that he knows to come to you when planning on blind dates and others.

Don;t be too hard on your husband, but let him know that your son will never change to straight and that he neds him the most now.

Good luck and God bless you for being a super Mom!

Dear mrs mom

I want to say thank you for your courage and compassion that you show your son every day just reading your story brought back my own fears of rejection from my parents and friends which kept me in the closet for a very long and dark thirty eight years you have given him the best gift of all someone to talk to and come to when he's scared take it slowly trust me if he knows you are with him coming out is a process that is different for everyone he will do it at his pace and if u haven't yet please contact pflag for your own support they can help you figure out ehsys best for your situation and also the trevor project is wonderful too keepyour chin up and know that we here are all thinking of you and your son

All you can do is love him, and be there for him. You can't change him or "fix it" because nothing is broken. Talk with him, make him feel that he can talk with you about anything. If his father is in the picture he needs to make your son understand that no matter what, he's loved. The only time my father ever said he loved me was one time when he was drunk...one time in my entire life...and he didn't understand or even want to. So, be there and support him and try and guide him...it's all you can do. Hope I made sense here.