Hello! For those of you who haven't heard me angst about my relationship issues before, here's a summary. I'm in love with my best friend Elise. Real love. No-one-but-her-for-four-years-love. Strength-to-stand-on-my-own love. Over the past few months, my gay(!) friend Richard asked her out, she said yes to help him get over his old crush, I spazzed, and, after telling Elise and Richard I really wasn't okay with them dating, asked Elise out myself. We had one date (more than Elise and Richard ever pulled off), and then she went into one of her I'm-being-an-emotionless-block phases and refused to talk to me. Passive-agressively. I got incredibly hurt, took a month and a bit over to recover, and we're back to being friends, but not dating. I think. I'm not sure. In any case, we've agreed to be a lot more open and understanding with eachother.

I've been feeling more and more helpless with each passing day- and night, embarassingly enough- against my feelings for Elise. Something's changed in our relationship since we resolved our fight. It's more- open, I suppose, more honest. More mutual? Nothing's really come up, no deep and revealing conversation. But the time I have spent with her has almost seemed to take on a different, and, I've been feeling, more intimate quality. I don't know WHY- like I said, there's nothing really to support it. I don't think we're touching more than usual, but I feel the need to or notice it more when we do. She accepts me and knows how I feel about her. She isn't bothered by the fact a GIRL loves her. I'm finding myself running out of reasons not to kiss her.

But I'm still confused. Sometimes when I dream of her I try to kiss her and she slaps me really hard across the face. Part of me still thinks kissing her is the wrong thing to do, obviously. And I DO love her. And I want her to know that. That what I feel for her really is LOVE, not some hormone-driven facsimile. You know. Look down your high school or junior-high hallway. See most of the people macking on eachother? 99.9% chance that's hormones or want of social acceptance driving that, not love. But I'm in LOVE. I don't want to give her the wrong impression.

Laurie, my therapist, is always telling me to not listen to my head and to start listening to my heart. I think I've been doing a wonderful job of that lately, staying true to myself and my feelings. I just didn't expect any imput from my BODY, too! CONFUSED!