"I dont want you to be just my temporary girlfriend." Those words shouldve made me happy. They should have made everything better, but they didnt. I'm so lost right now. I just wish i could take some magical pill to make me straight because those sweet words quoted above were spoken by a guy. =\ I just dont understand anything. I thought I liked him. I dont know. Maybe I just like the idea of him, if that makes sense. That's how it always goes though. I get these little crushes but they never go anywhere because guys dont excite me. Kissing them is like kissing a wall...im blank. I dont want to jerk him around but I want him and at the same time i dont. Oh and to explain the quote so no one is confused we were joking around about not having girlfriends and i told him I would find him a really attractive girl with brains for him so he wouldnt have to be lonely relationship wise. Then I said that until then Id be his temporary girlfriend. The night progressed and everything came out onto the table. He liked me and I told him I thought i liked him and then I kissed him. I was the one who kissed him first he didnt make the first move, so that's what made telling him I dont like him after all even worse than it wouldve been if it were him to kiss me. He said he understood. That we can still be close, that we could still be friends. But in some messed up way I want him. I want him but I dont want him touching me or kissing me. Can you long for a friend, for their presence and not have it be in a way that you would long for someone you love/like?? Im not sure what i feel but i know i dont want to be with him. Im just scared that I dont feel attracted to anyone anymore. I feel so fucked up. I guess I still feel attracted to girls and I know I dont feel attracted to guys, but what if Im not either straight/gay/ or bisexual? Then I'll be alone for the rest of my life. I already am kind of alone. It's my fault. I messed up the best thing Ive ever had and now Im here fighting to cling to who I think I am. I just wish that everything was plain to see and not clouded. This rant probably doesnt make much sense. Thanks for reading it though.
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