I know most of you endure this fairly early post-op, but I'm five months post-op and I am just now mourning the loss of food. I'm going nuts. My husband doesn't want to be around me. I'm miserable. I'm snippy, I'm angry. I dream about eating soft salted pretzels, soft white bread PB sandwiches, chips, all these foods I've always loved that I can't have. I sit here crying cuz I can't take it. I'm withdrawing, finally. I'm mourning, I dunno what I'm doing, but I'm doing it and it's making not only me miserable, it's making my husband miserable. I sit and cry, I'm fighting bulimic relapses now. Pizza doesn't settle my need for bread (toppings alone or thin crust), crackers don't settle me, toast with PB doesn't settle me. I want that soft bread and I can't have it and I know it. I had to turn down a family supper up at Carl's parent's of sloppy joes, which I usually like to eat without the bread now, but couldn't handle being around the sandwiches. How stupid is this? I sit and cry cuz all I want is a slice of white bread to eat. I wanna curl in a ball and just cry and eat my slice of white bread. I'm like an addict having to be forced off my addiction, only difference is that you can't just hide or remove my addiction of choice, I have to eat many times a day. I've gone from loving to eat, to hating it. I fight wanting to take Milk of Mag at the end of the day, I fight just shoving a slice of bread down just to take this go away, I fight going and getting deep fried just to make this feeling go away, and I sit wondering how you guys do this for so long and survive it! How do you do it when you're so miserable you hate to even be around you and people are avoiding you cuz you're so hypersensitive and miserable? I want to be okay again. I'm in therapy, I follow with a psychiatrist and a dietitian, I have a surgeon I follow with and a family doc, so I'm rounded up in support. I even have a support worker and case manager and a case management nurse and a psych nurse. So the support is there. I attend gastric bypass support group meetings once a month when they have them. I am so messed up and I can't figure out how to fight this battle. It's as if I'm pushing my husband away and waiting for him to leave, just to prove the statistics are right. I can't seem to control myself right now. It doesn't matter that I've lost 110 pounds, what seems to matter is that scale isn't moving at a pound a day, that I crave bread. I sound so dumb here. Does anyone understand what this is like or am I alone? I'm sick of crying over bread and being hypersensitive.
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