in a recent reply to a post I wrote that I was afraid of recovery. That I was afraid of failing at it.
This is going back a long time ago, and thinking about it now it probably was the actual beginning of recovery for me, even though I was fighting it tooth and nail. At GA meetings I couldn’t imagine how some of these members could be so content in their lives, maybe I was even a little jealous, I know I was pretty miserable. And then there were members who were struggling, homeless even, that was hard for me to cope with, I wanted to help everyone, but giving a homeless addict some money isn’t helping them, I know this now. Still I’m a sucker for a sob story. They’re stress was emotionally difficult for me to deal with.
When members talked about their recoveries I couldn’t relate on a spiritual level whatsoever. I thought they wanted me to be saved, like a religious kind of saved. I thought they wanted to try to make me normal, I cringed at the idea that I was ever normal in the first place. I didn’t get it.
I’m starting to “get it” now. Recovery doesn’t change who you are, only you can do that yourself. Recovery is actually being open to change. Recovery is recognizing we all need each other. Recovery is forgiveness. Recovery is a genuine belly laugh at times!
Never give up on yourselves. Never. Recovery will come in bits and pieces, you’ll for sure know you feel it when you do. It’s loving yourself again, or in some cases, maybe for the first time.
And I never want to forget that abstinence from gambling is how my journey to recovery began. One day at a time.
In 2011 I got married after being a widow for a while..... A few months after we got married, my new husband suggested we visit a casino about 1.5 hours away. Until then, I didn't even know there were casinos that close to me, because I had never been in one. I remember that first trip very well. Between us, we spent about $60. Fast forward seven years and we both are full...
I can't remember the last time i had real hope, there were days i wouldnt gamble and weeks and months, but i felt like i was white knuckling it...i joined GA and the urges stopped, can't explain it, i think MAYBE what i got from slots emotionally, they give me.....otherwise, or not...it's my higher power - I have prayed to God a billion times to take this away from me....and nothing changed....i...