
Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group
Compulsive gambling is an urge or addiction to gamble despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. A preferred term among many professionals is problem gambling, as few people described by the term experience true compulsions in the clinical sense of the word. Problem gambling often is defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others rather...
1) accept the lies and continue the downward spiral with him and become emotionaly and mentally unstable in the process.
2) come to terms that I cannot change husband, I cannot fix him, I cannot control him. But rather I must do what I need to do to ensure finanical security and stability (mentally, emontionally) for myself and our son (who is disabled and needs a supportive family who is able to devote time, money, and a stable environment to him for many, many years to come).
I realized I have a choice. I choose not to travel the downward spiral with husband. He can do that by himself. Should he ever reach the bottom (and I pray he does)... the same God who helped husband 23 years ago out of the gambling pit can help him again.
But husband has to make the choice by HIMSELF... I cannot help him. I can only help me.
Many choices in life are very tough. Love does not always mean you 'have' to hang on and get pulvarized in the process, sometimes it requires you to let go.
As Eastewester said, "you have to do what is best for YOU." Your husband will not do what is best for YOU... he is an addict and as an ex-drug addict for 16 years, I can vouch that an addict will ALWAYS do what is best for themself.
I am glad you found this site. There are many people here who care, who are walking in your shoes, and have walked in the shoes of your husband. Best of the day to you... I look forward to hearing more from you.
Today I have a choice deb.
I waver back and forth between praying about it and asking the Lord to keep me strong, , help me find the right words if I have to confront him, and basically give me courage when I fear he's slipped again....to neurotically waking in the middle of the night to search pockets, hiding places, wallets, internet history and/or grieving to myself about feeling unprotected and alone.
All I can do is monitor my finances, pray for him and pray for myself, and try to encourage him when he does things that put us first...like therapy and being totally transparent about his spending.
I try to remind myself too....that this is the Enemy at work in his life. This is not my husband. I direct my anger at the casino ads, the lottery promotions, and the people who try to entice others to ruin. If a tornado blew the place into bits....I wouldn't share a single tear.
Don't let the lies grind you down.....try to remember the things that your husband does right. I know it's hard at first, but forgiveness helps you heal...but it should be coupled with some sort of restitution or insurance of future accountability. Forgivenss...especially in the face of repeated lies...needs to be earned, in my mind.
Hang in there...remember being joyful and hopeful is a choice you have to make. If you let your life be weighed down in misery...the Enemy wins!!! I may have to lose unconditional trust with my husband, but I won't give up on unconditional love and joy.
Bless you and know that I'm out there fighting along with you.
Canterville
I meant don't tear yourself up trying to deal with the lies, let him know you know they are lies.
After being a praying, concerned, supportive wife for ten years of a compulsive gambler, I'd like to say something about lies.
Lies comes with the CG territory. Just like in the move Pirates of the Carribean - the girl said to Captain Jack Sparrow, 'you lied." Captain Jack's only reply was 'pirate.'
Same with a CG.... A CG does NOT CARE what you think about the lies they tell you. They will lie in order to continue with their gambling.
They know you cannot do ONE THING about it. Whatever they did, is DONE.
My CG spouse stopped paying our homeowners insurance. (I had no idea until recently.)
He stopped paying on his life policy (which he had paid into for 7 years - thousands of dollars). (Again did not know until a couple of months ago.)
He has gotten it where the only thing he pays around the house is the light bill and 'when he can' he will pay toward the current mortgage.
All the while he is sitting there playing online poker. He just does not care.
Poker is his focus, his priority, and what he wants.
My husband has put me and our disabled son in such a vulnerable position. It will take me 10 years to re-build.
I had expected to be debt free next year (I mean house, cars, everything!). Not now.
If you are going to remain with your spouse, all you can do is lock down your finances so he cannot get to them.
1. You have to get a post office box so the mail will come to you and cannot be intercepted by spouse.
2. You have to have a separate bank account, which you control so you can ensure the bills are paid and savings can be squirred away.
3. You have to have some type of credit lock applied to YOUR credit.
4. You need to check into your State's laws about filing a petition to have your debts legaly separated so you are not obligated for debts encurred by your CG spouse.
5. Attending GamAnon or Alanon meetings are really needed (support for you so you know you are not alone).
6. Reading books on Co-dependency were a real eye opener to me.
7. Calling and talking to GamAnon support teams (they are available 24x7)... Just Google GamAnon and you fill find their web site and toll free number.
Please know you are not in this alone. There are many many spouse out here just like you.
The first step for me was to get my head out of the sand, face the truth that I was up against a very serious situation and it was my responsibility to my son (and me) to do what was right for me and my son.
All addicts are survivors, I can say that because I was a drug addict for 16 years.
An addict will make a way to get what they want when they want it at the cost of everything (human relations, physical possession, it does not matter). And they will say anything to make it happen or to cover it up.
Focus on you, get you healthy (co-dependent books and face to face support groups help with this) and then you will be in a better frame of mind to know how to deal with and handle the lies of a CG.
We are here for you always. Today I have a choice deb.