Its so sad but the 2 days before paydays its even harder for me to sleep than usual. I get paid tomorrow. Feel fine now, no thoughts of wanting to go. But they arent always there until I have the money, or until I have paid some bills and decide that I can spare "a few bucks for me now". Or until I start paying bills, the money is dwindling away fast and I think " i can go make some, I dont have enough for everything". These 2 days before Im full of anxiety and I cant quiet my mind. Im excited, scared, worried. I am so tired right now but could feel that sleep was far away and so came on here. I will be getting help from someone w/ my finances but it wont start until months end so tomorrow is all up to me to stay away n be smart. I wish I had someone to text all morning/day that is a recovering gambler so that I can get support to fight the voices in my head. I have good intentions as usual, esp bc I am having a party for my son on Saturday. My god it would be horrible if i went and lost it all...I cant even imagine how horrid it would be to have to cancel. My plan is go to work...try to keep distracted by working harder than usual. Stay there right until the end (so as not to have much time left before I pick up my son from daycare), and then head to the mall to pick up some stuff w/ him. I pray I follow through. For me, but esp for my son. I am 2 weeks "free" except that I did buy 2 scratch tickets. I just want to stay away from the machines, if I find myself buying lots of scratchies then i will deal w/ it then. I know I will also buy 1 lottery ticket tomorrow, I do once or twice a month. Gonna go lay down now and try to picture my sons happy face at this party. I would love this image to stay with me throughout the day. I pray you all have a good night and day, and are able to stay away from giving in to this horrible addiction. Take care.
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