I have been dealing with addictions most of my life. Over 2 decades ago I was convicted of theft over $10,000. I pleaded guilty,as I was,and received one year house arrest and prohibited from entering any establishment that had gambling.
I was ok with that. I had joined AA as I thought booze was the reason why I gambled. I was wrong- I believe now that booze helped me get over the guilt and anxiety from my gambling addiction. I stayed sober for 6 years though gambling slowly creeped its way back into my life- even while sober.
Skip 10 years and I started to pilfer from the company I worked for. How I managed to escape the yearly audits I am not sure. Maybe I was “lucky”.
Well now I believe my past has caught up to me as the company I have been working for was bought out and they have ordered an extensive audit.
For now I have not been caught- but I do believe it’s only a matter of time.
I have been married for a long time and my wife has managed to stay with me even through all of my past transgressions. However she did mention last year that she won’t go through this again. She had found out that I had been gambling again and warned me to stop. I had stopped “borrowing” from the company. Though I continued to gamble and use our own funds to cover my losses.
We are in financial straights- not all due to my self- but a good chunk of it. Regardless, I do feel responsible for where we are at. If I do get caught, it will be the ruin of us. Both financially and emotionally. I will have cost our family everything.
I have not said anything to her or my family yet as I have not been able to eat or sleep for a long time now. More so now that the audit has begun. Insomnia is stating that mildly. I don’t want them feeling what I am feeling especially if I manage to scrape by. My intention is to replace what I have “borrowed” if I get the opportunity to.
I placed my last bet over 4 weeks ago and today I can honestly say I have no urges to. In fact the mere thought of it makes me physically ill.
i am on the edge of disaster. If this comes out in the coming days/weeks, I along with my family- will lose everything. Bankruptcy won’t be far behind. I am sooo torn and lost of what to do. I am not a bad guy. I help others out when I can with no expectations. I just have an addiction that had taken over me and I had no capacity or the courage to ask for help when I needed it most. Now I think it may be too late.
if anyone has any suggestions or thoughts to help me find my way, I would appreciate it.
Pray for my family before me please as I think they need it more than i do.
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