I think of going a lot, also of self exclusion, my predicament is that I am a counsellor which used to not be such a joke. I will be recognised and I really worry that GA will ruin my credibility (perhaps rightly so) its just that my work is the only thing encapsulated from the nightmare of my gambling. The same of self exclusion, its a small community people at the venues have family in my little town and I think I am the only one who can actually keep confidentiality. How have others dealt with it. Has being recognised been positive or negative. 20 years ago I attended an AA meeting as part of my course and one of the speakers was a senior clinician who i had worked with and knew very well. Her story touched me, her sponsor came over after the meeting and acknowedged that she has seen me and asked for my confidentiality which there was no need. For 20 years I haven't told a soul but of recent years I think of her often. She travelled 250 miles to attend that meeting so she was not in her own community, this isn't viable for me. I just don't know whether to risk it but even when I sit next to someone just like me at the polkies and we share just a few lines that identify us as problem gamblers it makes me feel less alone. One day last week all i had was 25 dollars and made it last 4 hours whilst a regular at the venue sat beside me a won and lost 600 dollars twice I wanted to say go home take it an run but didn't. Sometimes I wish the person next to me would say it to me, but would I listen or get angry I don't know. I sometimes imagine someone a friend or family member walking in and just striking me off the stool in front of everyone and calling me for what I am. I guess I want to be punished at some level even though losing everything is punishment i want to be knocked senseless to have some physical pain instead of the anxiety guilt and depression I feel all the time. I don't feel it when I am playing polkies and have cash to go on, its only as its running out then the palpitations and silent pleading so stupid to this piece of computerised hardware. I have had some big wins over the past month 3 grand once and walked out with that gone and the rest of my pay. Its not that long ago I would be able to walk out with a reasonable sum if I had a win. Its been progressive but the final run into oblivian financially has only taken a few months. That is how long now matter what i won I have never been able to get off the chair and leave the venue always hoping for more. Sick and twisted. Yet as soon as I leave after giving myself a mental punishment I get on with doing my things for work and my daughter and I am me again. I don't understand the dichotomy. Gee give me an inch and I take a mile, help me tell me how you got on with this. I am still a gambler at this point I just don't have access to my money, it not really quitting is it. thanks for listening
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