It’s been 7 days since I’ve gambled. I lost bill money, gas money, and money to go to an event with my sister. Every time after gambling lately, I sleep all day. It wasn’t so much that I didn’t want to face that I’d gambled so much, but I was physically tired, drained of my life force, depressed and tense. My neck and head still hurt, from tension. Motivation is out the window with this feeling. I caught myself misspelling simple words and not knowing the date. I’m an intelligent person, I’m aware when I am detached, it’s an indicator that my brain is not fully functioning.
I have a highly stressful job, (helping profession) and I live in a community full of adversity, addiction, and pain— a reservation. You see, I thought I was okay because no one seen that compulsive gambling is a problem. I hid the pain. I wondered if the extra stress, insomnia and depression were actually from gambling; after I did some research,
This past month ppl. have died, more than usual, young ppl. from a suicide, car accidents and cirrhosis. And there were a couple suicide attempts with our youth. With school full-time, work, and life’s pressures on top of gambling... I was too busy to process, too stressed to study, and checking out... my priority was to work harder, ... when I stopped, I sobbed for everything bad happening and the deaths.
I wasn’t aware of the grief, stress, addiction and pressure I carried. My Dad was a compulsive gambler and a chronic alcohol. I don’t drink or so drugs, but I follow in his gambling addiction closely, (salary advances, all money gambled, jack pots, never leaving the casino with money, borrowing ...and a heavy burden with sadness on his face). He committed suicide 5 years ago.
I’ve been home journaling, writing, grieving and cleaning, I went to the GA phone meeting too. There’s a butterfly in my chest that wants to gamble. My friends told me I can’t do this alone. I have money in my wallet and car... I’m afraid to gamble, so I decided to write. I’m isolating. I’m still dealing and don’t want to step out in the world until I feel stronger. I haven’t worked or studied. But tonight I will start. The world had to stop.
Preventing mental illness is what motivates me. My family and I struggle with depression, anxiety, ptsd, and addiction. I don’t want to hurt myself anymore. My therapist told me, “If you want to help people, your hands have to be clean.” Once again, I’m washing my hands.
Good news, it’s my birthday tomorrow.
In 2011 I got married after being a widow for a while..... A few months after we got married, my new husband suggested we visit a casino about 1.5 hours away. Until then, I didn't even know there were casinos that close to me, because I had never been in one. I remember that first trip very well. Between us, we spent about $60. Fast forward seven years and we both are full...
I can't remember the last time i had real hope, there were days i wouldnt gamble and weeks and months, but i felt like i was white knuckling it...i joined GA and the urges stopped, can't explain it, i think MAYBE what i got from slots emotionally, they give me.....otherwise, or not...it's my higher power - I have prayed to God a billion times to take this away from me....and nothing changed....i...