I cannot stop playing online poker for money and no matter how much money I win in any given sitting I WILL LOSE IT. I gambled on poker stars again last night. I started with just $10.00, and turned it into $2300.00 in about two hours. I managed to lose all my winnings in about 20 minutes. When I gamble online I usually am drinking while gambling. I find it much easier to consume more alcohol when I gamble and last night was no exception. If I had to guess how many times I have gone on these gambling and drinking binges in the last year, I would have to say it is close to 50 times. My wife and I share a bank account and she has learned to check it daily to see if I gambled more of our nest egg away. It has come to the point where I will do anything to cover my tracks. We use online banking and if I gambled the night before I will buy 6-7 small items just hoping she doesn't go down far enough on the list of recent transactions to see another poker stars deposit. More than feeling guilty about the gambling I feel guilty about my dishonesty with my wife and family. My wife works nights and I work days and after I put my son to bed, I get so bored and lonely. I get so sick of watching t.v., movies, and playing video games. I hate reading and can only clean so much. Once I am done with my day and my son is down for the night the only things I really ever want to do is drink and gamble. I usually lose pretty quickly and end up pulling out of the bank account until my bank fraud protection doesn't allow me to pull anymore money out. The most I have lost in one sitting of our own money was about $700.00. I called my dad crying that night/morning at about 4:00 am. He lent us some money and we are still paying him back for that. I really thought this was my rock bottom but I have gambled probably about 25 times since then. I don't know what it's going to take. I want to take my son with me to the liqour store right now and gamble again tonight. I feel helpless and i already feel en emptiness inside knowing I can't gamble tonight. I keep telling myself that it's a good thing I lost that $2300.00 last night because if I would have won this much it would have just made me want it that much more. Also, if I didn't lose it all last night I would have been obsessed thinking about getting right back in the gambling seat tonight and I WOULD HAVE EVENTUALLY LOST IT. I have gambled on poker stars so many times that I can't even project a number. NEVER ONCE HAVE I CASHED OUT. I've lost it all every single time. I feel ashamed of myself more than anything. I keep thinking I will win it all back one day. I want to be done but I don't know what I am going to do every single night after i put my son down and I am lonely and bored. I am so thankful to have found this sight and after reading some of the blogs it really helped me to know that there are others out there that are struggling with the same thing.
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