I am a 74 year old Momma who let down my mentally ill adult daughter for the last year and a half after we lost my husband of 59 years I shut her out and would not accept her love most of the time. I look back at all of our messages on her phone and she was crying for help and I did not see it or believe it until it was to late. She hung herself July 7th 2019. The most horrible day of my life. She had been ill all her life and I had ALWAYS been there loving her trying to get her help,trying to make her life happy. Then my husband died suddenly in front of us both ,went from laughing and talking to he had indigestion and minutes later was gone.
I blamed myself as we had been having a bad spell in our long marriage and he had said really bad things to my daughter and I would not ever forgive him.Then when I tried to she would feel hurt and it was just a two year long nightmare. Where we had few good moments and we were all very unhappy.
My daughter had seemed to deal with it as best she could and was seeing her doctors and councilers as usual plus we were going to a grief support group.
Then suddenly everything went wrong. She became violent to me and even to one of our birds,a parrot who she had always loved. She never did real harm to either of us but I selfisly held it against her.
She had called the police on herself and was arrested. I went right there and got her and brought her home. A few months later she began to act that way again and then agreed to go in a hospital and get help.
We went out on New Years Eve and tried to take her to a local mental health hospital but they said we had to go to the ER at regular hospital first.
So we did and it was a horrible misunderstanding with my daughter and myself trying to explain that she wanted to commit herself and them misunderstanding and saying she was now to be put in handcuffs and taken out of the area to a place we had no idea where and it was snowing and I am 74 and we are alone . I can't drive in snow. We begged those people to please listen to her but they had thought she meant she was hurting me that night and nothing would make them understand.
Three days later they let me bring her home and now we were both terrified to even try to get help from a hospital.
My baby was 37 but had never been able to be independant at all. No friends ,no children only her animals which she treasured.
She never drove a car, never had a real life and because of all that she felt like a failure.
Like I said up until her Daddys death I had been there ,as encouraging as I could trying everything to get her help. The doctors she saw, though we changed many times through the years were just not very interested in her. Just gave medication and come back in 3 months.
Then about the first of June she suddenly began to hear voices telling her to kill herself. And that she said were hunting her and torturing her Momma. She called the police and told them even though I told her not to, she had a picture of a noose that she put up in a small one room apt. in our back yard ( a place we had so she could have a space of her own hoping it could make her feel more independant)
They said are you going to use it today and she said no. They said well what do you have it and she said "To scare my Momma" They said well there was nothing they could do to help her.
She had always threatened suicide ,since her teens when she did have a boyfriend her first love and he was murdered ,that is when her illness really started. And we had always been terrified of that threat. I went out back and made her take it down. I still did not believe she was serious. I took her to her doctor on June 30th and she told him she could not go on living with the voices and people spying on us. He paid no attention to her at all. I told him I want her to be re-evaluated please this is different than she has ever been. She never heard voices or thought people were spying on her. She showed him her hands were pouring sweat and trembling,again he paid no attention.
I then told him I was going to take her to another doctor for a second opinion and his answer was " Well it won't hurt my feelings."
So we left and I made her the appontment but the earliest they had was July 11th,she was not getting any better and I threatened to take her to the hospital again but she begged me not to as she thought, and so did I that it would be like last time where she got no help was only held for three days in a nasty horrible place where she was so scared.
Oh my God how I wish I had done it anyway.
July 11th was her funeral.
Now I have lost my only reason to live. I cannot belive my baby girl my little Linny is not here. I hate myself for not understanding that she meant it this time and we were even arguing the day it happened,she came up to me that day and seemed to start arguing out of the blue and it went to her saying again I'm going to hang myself and me NOT BELIVING HER AT ALL. Saying go ahead! NEVER dreaming this was the time she meant it, just saying it in anger. It was like she almost wanted to make me so angry that I would say that, almost giving her permission.
I can never ever forgive myself for any of it.
I love you my darling Angel forever, please God let her know that.
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