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Struggling with the idea of burying my son's

Iâm really struggling with something and hope that some of you who have had the same experience can share your thoughts and guidance with me. When my son, Nigel, passed away unexpectedly in January 2009, we had him cremated and his ashes are now resting in a beautiful urn in my living room. (I also have a small urn, by my bed, and a necklace that I always wear with his ashes inside.) My parents, who are still living, already have their family plot with the family headstone. We decided to have Nigel interned there. (He was very close to his grandparents.) I purchased a stone marker to place on his grave. Because of the dreary, grey weather that we now have in Vermont, I decided to have the internment next springâ¦when it will be warmer and sunnier. This past week, I went with my parents to see Nigelâs marker which has been put in place. I totally broke down. It looked so lonelyâ¦even though there were other graves all around. My struggle is that I donât want to intern his ashes anymore. I want him to stay in my home and be present in my daily life and when family and friends come over. The cemetery seems such a cold and lonely place to leave him when he can be around âlifeâ. Am I wrong to feel this way? Am I being selfish?

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

sorry about the symbols...I copied and pasted from Word...the symbols are apostrophes.
biowoman
biowoman

I think you have answered your own question. You want him with you...love and peace in this decision process...Karen
deleted_user
deleted_user

I have no "advice" to give you because every situation is different; we did inter our son's ashes several days after his funeral. We recently had the memorial stone installed, including a "laser etching" from a photo taken on his last birthday. The cemetery where he is buried has MANY graves of people who died too soon....to suicide, to cancer, to accidents....it is a place of many "hard" stories in our community. I think it gives some small comfort to his friends to go by there and "visit" him. We have a family dog who is almost 13 and very much a senior dog. When she goes, our plan is to have her cremated and inter her with him. (this will have to be done by us after dark on our own! but this we will do)
mummar
mummar

You are NOT being selfish - whatever feels right to you now is what you should do. Maybe down the road you will feel differently - or maybe not, and that's OK. This is a private and personal decision - and it is your son and your decision. My son was also cremated - we all had different ideas about what we wanted.....my husband took a portion and interred them at sea at the spot he and David first went deep sea fishing, which they loved to do together. His fiancée took some and put them in their special places at school, their first kiss, date etc. ( he was a senior at Purdue University, IN, when he died ) - and as for me, I needed a place to go and reflect so I bought a plot in an old cemetery I love, erected a bench and buried the rest myself....so I can go sit and talk to him or just sit.
Sorry to ramble...just trying to say, whatever you decide - it's right. In any case, take care of yourself ~ Joanna
deleted_user
deleted_user

I am also tring to decide where to spread Evan's ashes. I planned to do this on his birthday Nov. 6, but as it draws nearer, I am not sure what to do. In a way I want to set his spirit free, but he is free. The ashes are for us. If you want to keep some and place some near his grand parents and keep some that may be the best of the situation. But it is your final decision. I know that is the hardest part as it becomes very final once the ashes are spread. I wish you all the strength to do what is right for you. Debbie
deleted_user
deleted_user

I have my sons ashes in our church columbarium. It is in our chapel and I can go and sit and be with him. I also kept some here at home in an urn and have a necklace too.It is definitely YOUR decision, whatever feels right to you. You are not selfish.
Holly
deleted_user
deleted_user

I thank you all who have replied and made such thoughtful suggestions. It helps me to know that other mom's have had the same experience but what has been most comforting is a theme that I keep reading and that it is my decision and I should decide to do what I feel would be best for my heart and peace of mind. I think I need to ask myself what would Nigel want .....where would he want to be..... Hugs, love and peace to all of you and to those who might reply in the future.
Anne
CorriesMom
CorriesMom

I also am hanging onto my daughter's ashes. My husband and I have been kind of nomadic for the past decade. We are lifelong New Yorkers who decided to give Seattle a try in 2000 (my husband is in heavy construction, somewhat of a nomadic trade). Corrie was 12 when we moved to Seattle so she came of age there and has many very close friends and happy memories there. However she was truly joyful and at home in Evanston, IL where she went to school at Northwestern U. for the past two years (she would have been a senior this year). She has hundreds of friends there who love her dearly and painted three rocks in her memory on the shore of Lake Michigan (a tradition at Northwestern). And then she was killed in Maine where she was a camp counselor for the summer. She was cremated in a tiny town in Maine so we could carry her home to Seattle with us on the plane (some macabre and oddly humorous stories about that one...) But then my husband and I had been planning on relocating to Nevada where he has been working on a project to build a bridge over the Hoover Dam near Las Vegas for the past two years. Corrie was going to fly home to Nevada rather than Seattle at the end of camp. Anyway ~ she is here with us in Nevada in an urn that we may or may not replace with something more "Corrie" like (couldn't find any at the time). And, I too, find the thought of burying her in a cold dark cemetery or even scattering her ashes over Lake Michigan as my husband suggested, just too sad and lonely. My parents will be in upstate NY where I grew up. My husband's parents are in Westchester just a bit north of NYC. And we have not yet selected a final resting place for ourselves. We also are inclined, at least for the foreseeable future, to bring Corrie with us. She always loved being cozy.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Thank you, mominhenderson, for sharing your feelings on this subject....it comforts me to know that other mom's feel like I do.....
CorriesMom
CorriesMom

It's very comforting and reassuring to me as well. I was beginning to feel like a freak!

Thanks!

Debbie, Corrie's Mom
deleted_user
deleted_user

My only child, my son JC, passed away on 6/22/09. He was only 24 years old. I am a single mom so not only was he my son but he was my light, my life, my heart and my friend.

I will never forget going to pick up the ashes. You just sit there and they hand you a box. A BOX!! and this is it. This is your heart. In a box. It was even afraid to open the box and was taken back when I saw them.

He was cremated and the plan was to release his ashes in October from a hot air balloon as he loved ballooning. We all took off in October to attend the Balloon Fiesta in Albuquerque which hosts up to I believe 800 balloons. He had a great flight last year.

BUT...

I could not do it. I have some ashes in an urn which I am saving for when I die to be combined with his. Some of his ashes were placed in lockets.

I have bought some many different vessels for his ashes and I could not stand him being a show piece or a piece of furniture. It drove me crazy. He was bigger then life. He was a huge teddy bear that loved to be hugged and touched as well as hugging me. Compared to him I am very tiny. He would always give me a huge bear hug and kiss me and tell me "I love you momma." On his last days here on earth he would beg me to try and get on the hospital bed with him to hold him but any little movement would cause him so much pain and I could not.

So, I went and bought this big teddy bear and placed his ashes along with his "blankee" inside of the teddy bear. Now I can hug him like he so desperately wanted me to before he died. And I in turn can hug him back.

For now he lays on top of my bed until I can clear out his room because when he passed away I brought back all of his belongings to my home. Once I am strong and brave enough to go through all of his stuff, I can clear his bed and he will be safe in his home.

Is this crazy??

Sometimes I think people will think this strange. My boyfriend who actually was part of my son's life for 10 years tells me to forget what others think but to do what I think is right for me and JC.

Like yourself I could never place him in a cemetary. He is and always should be a part of me and my family.
CorriesMom
CorriesMom

MQT ~ I'm with you and your understanding and wise boyfriend. Forget what anyone else thinks. I love what you are doing with your precious son's ashes. Like your son, our daughter Corrie, loved to be cozy and to be hugged and to be around people she loved. How could we ever put her under the cold dark earth? She always slept with the lights on.

Sending love, peace and blessings your way ~ Debbie, Corrie's Mom
deleted_user
deleted_user

My son's ashes are on my mantle. I don't know if I can ever do anything with them before I die. I need them near me at all times. I was really crazy shortly after his death, we moved across the country and I traveled with his urn seat belted and when we stopped I would only eat by a window cuz' I was so afraid someone would steal our car with the ashes and that just worried me silly. It was crazy, but going into the hotel I asked my husband if he was going to carry Thomas in or if Taylor needed to get him, the 3 of us stood in the parking lot laughing and crying all at once. I know if anyone saw us they thought we were insane! I went to visit my parents 4 months after the accident, I was riding down to their house with my brother and you should have seen his face when I went out to his car with my suitcase and the urn! While at my parents the urn stayed on their mantle. I have since made numerous trips and left it here at home on the mantle! It was the early months that I needed it with me. You must do what you need to do, what doesn't feel right at this time may feel right months or years down the road. I don't know if I will ever figure it all out.
deleted_user
deleted_user

tmedmom-

I understand how you feel and how worried you are about the ashes. When I leave home for more then a day I worry that if I leave the ashes home someone will break in and take them, then, I worry if I take them with me that I will have some kind of car accident and the ashes will be lost.

I also feel that I will never really figure out what I will do down the road. For now they are in a teddy bear on my bed, where I can give them a hug when I need a hug.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I felt the same way about my son's ashes. He died in March 2000 and his ashes are still in the house. When we picked up the box that contained his ashes we fully planned to burry them near his favorite tree in our yard. But it just felt wrong. So we kept them - I didn't buy an urn because none seemed right so I made a slipcover for the box out of his favorite t-shirt.

My advice would be to do whatever feels right to you. People tried to tell us what we should do or feel when it happened, but you are the only one whose feelings and opinion matters in this.

I hope this helps - you have your first anniversary coming up - I'll be thinking about you.