i was doing good. made it a couple of weeks. had an appointment last week. asked my wife if she would want to talk with the addictions therapist. well that didn't turn out quite as well as i hoped it would. i wanted him to talk with her about the neurological issues with sexual addictions. i was in the other room. but when i came in sat down and tried to evaluate the situation, well yeah. she had dominated the discussion with the therapist for 45 minutes of my hour long session. actually i never had a session about my addiction. when i came in i almost felt tagged teamed on. its not the porn that was the problem she saws. it was the lies and the hiding. yeah i'd like to see what would have happened 5 years ago if i told her what the problem was. i feel a little betrayed because i asked the therapist if he could discuss one thing with her, you know the clinical findings and facts. but now i feel overwhelmed. i thought controlling the SA would allow me to rid myself of other problems, but now i am supposed to work on all of my issues at once. i feel so overwhelmed. they want me to take on my relationship with my parents, my problems with lying, my mood swings, everything at once. now they seem to worry if i am suicidal. yeah ive thought about it. i mean what else am i supposed to feel. these deep dark secrets have come crashing down on me so much stuff i just wanted to forget. all on the surface. and now she's gone again. the light at the end of the tunnel has been put out. i need to focus on today, i know that. but i just feel like i am wondering around in the dark. oh i failed to mention the other day she texted me about a fan. she wanted to lay out. so i told her i could mow the yard and set up an area with a fan and stuff for her. well she came over. she failed to mention she wanted to lay out well with her top well not all the way on. yeah give the addict something to look at, yeah that helped out a lot. when i sat down next to her boom all of the sudden cold shoulder. whats a person like me supposed to think. the person i love appears t be inviting me in for some fun and then boom brick wall. so sure enough after she had left, right back in front of the computer. has anyone else felt like there being ganged up on, or led around well by a certain part of their anatomy only to be pushed away all hot and bothered. ahhhhhhh i should have just said yeah i got a fan you can barrow. so now i am slipping back into old habits. i have cravings and desires and no way to release them. i just feel like i am spiraling out of control again.. not to mention i can't even get into the therapist for another week. so emotionally and sexually frustrated. all i want is my wife. and being denied i feel so well, cranky. yeah.
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