I was at the supermarket and I only bought healthy snacks and meals.. fruits, vegetables and meats. Okay fine, no problem.. I AM eating better and the weight is SLOWLY (which is frustrating me to no end because I am not patient by nature) coming off... but maybe in a year from now I will be down to my optimal weight lol, seems hard to believe.. yeah thats right unless either no crises happen between now and then because I am no where near dealing with my emotions.. I mean on the weekend I binged because I was jealous of my brother having it so easy! Yeah I got back up and stopped binging the next day but what if something huge happens that I cannot deal with? Life throws punches at you ALL THE TIME! Well whatever, no sense in worrying about that right now. Anyway I'll go back to what I was saying. At the supermarket now you are seeing chocolate and junk food EVERYWHERE because of the time of year we are heading into! Yep, the festive season! So I saw a big box of Lindt chocolates basically staring right at me. There was a big part of me that wanted to grab those chocolates but then I thought about "what for? You'll get a high for 5 minutes then you'll feel like complete garbage after"... though this time I listened to that part of myself... and I looked at those box of chocolates with pure SADNESS and just walked by and continued on with my shopping!! Is THAT normal??? NO!! FUCK ITS NOT!! So instead of being proud that I did not give in and buy those chocolates I became even more depressed and felt sorry for myself more.. for feeling like a FREAK! Why should I waste so much emotion on passing up a box of chocolates??? THAT IS NOT NORMAL!!! *I* AM NOT NORMAL! So the way I am feeling now, I hate to say it but I don't feel any different than I would have if I had eaten the whole box! It's normal to feel sad if something of yours has been stolen or a loved one was diagnosed with a terminal disease or if your child was diagnosed with something (which is why I am fat again!) Feeling SAD about that is normal, its not normal to feel sad over passing by a box of chocolates! Its pathetic, that is what it is! My priorities are truly fucked up that is for sure. Ugh....
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I have been here before, a long long time ago and now I am back.Forgive me for not just saying what I want to say,even under a triple dose of antidepressants it is still raw and seeping and I am hesitant at revealing it as at least under the bandages around my heart I don,t have to look at how raw and wounded.My child was cleaved from my heart by his own actions. my child of ten,turning eleven...
theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??