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Way..OT: In your face fakers!

deleted_user
deleted_user
How is that people can tell lies to others even if the other person knows you are lying. For instance, if someone comes up and says "how are you feeling" most people "im fine or ok etc" When they are in terrible pain etc. And this applies to so many situations too. What urks me the most is I know I am not gonna complain to strangers etc however, but when your OWN FAMILY only wants to her positive no detail fake answers so they can sleep better at night. WTF is up with that? Am I the only person left on this planet who believes in honesty. I am not saying be hateful or cruel or mean. But I know how to say things without it sounding vicious or mean etc. And why ask me how I am doing if you don't really want to know the REAL answer? Is it just a sympathy , well at least I asked kinda thing? What you want brownie points because you followed etiquette and protocol so you can get to the real reason of your call or the point of your conversation that has absolutely nothing to do with me and how i am doing? Don't get me wrong, I get this all the time from my family. All they want to hear is positive things. And it isnt that I am so negative all the time but it is like they dont want to hear it except when it is coming from then. And even then if you get mad or cry they dont want a come back. it is like they want to throw their crappy words in your spoon and you are too just open wide and swallow hard with a smile on your face! Why do people think it is ok to be fake with people who are supposed to be closed to you who are supposed to love you?? SHEESH...Sorry I guess I am venting...
Do any of you all have this problem or smoething like it? Or am I totally off my rocker? Maybe I should close up my heart and shut my mouth and not be so "honest" with them. Maybe that will work??!!??

Tink
deleted_user
deleted_user
I think " How are you doing has become a form of greeting, just like hi, no one really expects an answer other than fine how are you doing. I do not think we really want to know the real answer. I usually say I am having a pretty good day, or its a soo so day and take the feed back from them on if they really want to know or not.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You sound pretty frustrated. I know what you mean though. Sometimes people ask "How are you" out of habit and don't expect you to really tell them, but ideally, family should listen and be empathetic.

Any time you want to vent or say exactly how you feel, go right ahead. This is the place where you won't get shut down.

Lots of hugs,
Jan
deleted_user
deleted_user
ah yeah I find this the same for me. I either don't answer or say little. my family are horrid so just don't bother with them as it gets me down. We are here for you so vent away marilyn
deleted_user
deleted_user
them asking makes them feel like they are doing something or caring about you. your right they really don't want to know the answer it has become a traditional part of greeting someone...unfortunately
deleted_user
deleted_user
I have this problem too hon. There are so many times when someone asks me that and I just say fine...why? Because I figure that those who truly care about me will ask me and really want to know. But I get the same feeling...Its funny because the last time I spoke with my pm doc on the phone I asked him how he was doing and he said not good...I wanted to clap my hands...finally someone admits it!!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I try and never say I'm, "Fine". Fine stands for F'd up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional!!!

I understand how you feel. I am also guilty of holding back around family and friends.

A good rule of thumb for me is would I want to hear from someone else what I am about to say. If it would turn me off then I keep it to myself. Likewise if my family brings up things I don't want to hear I leave the room.

I can't stand gossip and when that starts I'm outa there. The same goes for bragging.

I feel most comfortable with pleasant conversation.
CarrieinSK
CarrieinSK
I NEVER say "how are you doing" to anyone now. I used to ask that at work (seniors home) and they'd tell me! Now I ask "how was your night?" or "did you get any visitors today?" instead.

Try focusing on the one good thing that DID happen. You could say "my night was good, I got lots of sleep last night" or "okay, I was able to take a few hours for myself" or something along those lines.
JillyT
JillyT
I know exactly what you mean! And everyone is right, asking how someone is has become a common greeting. I was working last night (as a cashier at a bookstore) and I call for the next person in line, put on a happy face and say hi! Almost everyone said hi, how are you? I don't remember that ever happening before - there were all strangers!

When I go see my rheumy, he asks how I'm doing and I say okay. He looks at me and says really? I think he is observing the nicecities and he is actually asking me how I feel, LOL!

So now when someone asks me how I'm feeling, if I know them I'll say "oh don't ask, but how are you?" If they really want to know, they'll stop me and say no really - how are you doing...otherwise, I pretend like they didn't ask, cause I really don't want to waste my telling explaining this to someone who really doesn't care. jilly
deleted_user
deleted_user
depending upon WHO is doing the asking...the Tone in the way it is asked...I understand your frustration...but really it is kind of common saying.Hi !!.How ya doin ??..I always respond with a "I am great !!, YOU ??

if it is in a quiet atmoshphere with a close friend...and the expression of real concern is in their eyes..easily seen...then i will tell them Exactly how I am doing...and ask them the same !!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I think a lot depends on your area. In some places, for example in the deep South, people really are asking. It's fine to answer with a brief, honest, not good today, or whatever. Usually, they respond with something like "Oh, Darlin', I'm sorry, what can I do?" In other areas, they expect you to say fine, how are you, and they say fine, and that's it.In my area a common answer is "I'm here". Of course, that doesn't mean anything, but you can respond with something like "me too" and the person asking will say but how are you, if they really want to know. You do the same if you actually want to know how the other person is. Otherwise, it just means hi. It's kind of a shorthand, and I guess you just have to know the people around you. In a family, they should really care, but....
deleted_user
deleted_user
I think it is just a way to say Hi. I would be walking out of a store, and someone would say Hi, how are you and keep walking as I said fine and you, as I kept walking.
People are in such a hurry, they don't have time to really listen to what we have to say. If someone does stop long enough to hear the answer, I just say I'm still above ground and they laugh and go on.
My family doesn't ask anymore, because, they know they are going to find out how I feel.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Well, tink I could go on a rant about this too....it's really a sore point for me. First of all, because of the exact reasons you state. So..I won't rehash it cause it'll only get us both p---ed off again. Secondly because the person I'd most like to ask how I am and NEVER DOES, I mean NEVER, is my husband.....

It's actually...ugh...I can't even talk about it I'll get so ugly.

But you ARE NOT alone withi this at all. My other family members either don't ask, OR don't want to hear anything but...."FINE"...which I'm usually not...

LOL....so we're here for you Tink...remember that...

Love and hugs and "How are ya today??"

Morus
deleted_user
deleted_user
I go through the same thing. Although I tend to say "I am doing well" or "been better" etc. Sometimes I just say I am okay because I am the one that does not want to get into a discussion about it.
But I do find people don't know how to respond if I say "been better"
It is kind of funny. I have family members who act the same way so I just don't talk to them about that stuff. I talk to the people who really care and understand. Or to those who can handle my bad days too.
Zzzzowl
Zzzzowl
I think Renee is right, it has become a sorta greeting. I tend to say 'you really do not wanna know' that usually shuts them up. 'fair to middling' is another one I use. You are not off your rocker at all Tink, it is very irritating when you know that they want something from you and are just paying lip service. Next time, ignore the Q and just ask them outright 'what do you want?' Try not to let it get to you Tink, hugs, Owlxx
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hi Tink

I get this from my family all the time. I basically have no relationship with family because of it. I talk about my hurts with those who I know care and will listen. It is a shame people are like this! Cathy
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