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Woke up this morning and knew it would be one of those days if I don't watch it. I will be just randomly sad and near tears.
I am sure that lots of it is grief still, memories crowding in without my knowledge. The holidays are never my best time. But I also am slamming in the "I am fat thoughts", which lead to all these plans to lose it, but then I realize those plans are for me if I am healthy...LOL. How long do those fantasies continue? I am up to 13 + years of it.
Great by the time I finish I am closer to tears, Maybe it is mostly grief still hanging in there. I doubt that will ever go away. I am bringing music back in to my life and even though I'm being careful, it still triggers things.
Oh well, this is just a random vent....I think I will take myself to breakfast before I buy cat food - another exciting day in the life of CFS.
PS/Song changed to "Hips don't Lie" by Shakira, maybe I am saved...can't be depressed with this one. It is a great "moving" song and fun to sing (even though I have no voice)
I am sure that lots of it is grief still, memories crowding in without my knowledge. The holidays are never my best time. But I also am slamming in the "I am fat thoughts", which lead to all these plans to lose it, but then I realize those plans are for me if I am healthy...LOL. How long do those fantasies continue? I am up to 13 + years of it.
Great by the time I finish I am closer to tears, Maybe it is mostly grief still hanging in there. I doubt that will ever go away. I am bringing music back in to my life and even though I'm being careful, it still triggers things.
Oh well, this is just a random vent....I think I will take myself to breakfast before I buy cat food - another exciting day in the life of CFS.
PS/Song changed to "Hips don't Lie" by Shakira, maybe I am saved...can't be depressed with this one. It is a great "moving" song and fun to sing (even though I have no voice)
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xoxo
~dixie
One doctor told me it was, as you said, a part of the grieving process of the "old me" or let's say "former me".
Actually, those "fantasies" you talk about still continue for me, too. So, what I usually do to help with this is go out and somehow be among people. Initially for me, this was volunteering at my church, but there are other things you could do. The good thing about volunteering was that it got me out with people, forgot about my own ugly thoughts and since I was "teetering" on the edge of one of those days, I'd usually forget the bad stuff and fall onto the side of a good day. AND, with volunteering in any form, you don't HAVE to be there if you feel sick, so my illness(es) weren't an issue.
Now, I've been able to maintain an extremely flexible part-time (REALLY part-time) job. It's at a local health club. Now you'd think that would depress me with all of the 'buff' skinny healthy people. But it's not like that. There are people of all shapes and sizes there. Since I get a free membership as a perk, I do a little bit of treadmill on the days I can and some of the machines with a LITTLE weight. BUt the best thing about it is that everyone is pleasant, it distracts me and gets me out of my own thoughts. Once I start falling into myself, that's when things get ugly.
Music for me too, has been a great source of comfort, even though, sure, some songs will bring you to tears.
You will be just fine. Just don't overthink it, try to get out...like you said..take yourself to breakfast and people watch!! and play those tunes that make you the happiest!
You're not going to feel this way for long....so hang in there and do nice stuff for YOU!!!!!
Love and hugs,
Morus
It's taken me years, but I think I'm finally starting to like Christmas. Us FM'ers have to start earlier than everyone else so we don't overdo it. What I've finally understood is that it's OK to take the easier way of doing things...pick up store bought baked goods at a bakery, print signature labels out on all our cards, get someone to help with cleaning and decorating etc.
Just because some of us are plus sized doesn't mean our life has to be over. So what if a little weight (or a lot of weight in my case) is there? Just for today, I'm going to accept my weight and work on making healthier choices.
I had a web site on weight loss/eating healthy at one time and may start it back up again. It basically said to toss your scales (too negative) and work on losing inches, portion control, eating healthier, recipes and inspirational ideas and quotes.
love and hugs,
Morus
I think going to breakfast is an awesome idea. How smart of you to take your saddness head on like that. I just hide when I get like that.
We'll be here for you hunny.
I did go head long into the day and probably overdid it too. I ran errands, reading my book in between to rest. I got home and I did buy some treats for myself and had to put everything away. Then I had to work on my pond and got nice and angry because some of the things I had to do were supposed to be done by others. Then I collapsed for a while...LOL.
Today is better but no less busy so far BUT this afternoon is my massage and then I will relax!!
Hugs to one and all !!