Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that 'sparked' my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.

WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
(I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the microwave). Anyway, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood-moving target. I must admit, I thought about zapping the cat (for a fraction of a second) then thought better of it. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat, in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in the other.

The directions said, that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant. A two-second burst would cause muscle spasms, and a major loss of bodily control. A three-second burst would make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, & less than 3/4" around, pretty cute really, and loaded with it's two itsy bitsy triple-a batteries, thinking to myself, 'No possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I 'm sitting there, alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don?t do it master!'

Reasoning to myself, a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing, couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely remember, waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'Do it again, stupid, do it again!'

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, just remember...

There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would've been considered conservative!

A minute or so later, I can't be sure, time ceased to exist at that point, I collected my wits, what little I had left, and sat up and
surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How'd they get over there???
My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain. My bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward
for their safe return.
Still in shock.

P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!