I've been in a major flare for a while--I had time off for the holidays, but I was sick for it. I was supposed to go back yesterday but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I stopped taking the birth control because I couldn't put up with the side effects, and of course that brought my period--which is meaner than usual. Add that to the sore throat and cold, and I just couldn't do it.
But it's more than the physical. I'm so deeply depressed that I'm constantly having thoughts of hurting myself. I'm not actually going to hurt myself--really I'm not--but I can't shake wanting to. I would rather get hit by a bus than go into work today. The job isn't that bad, though I feel isolated and underappreciated. I have this horrible voice in my head telling me that it's not enough. What's not enough? I'm not enough--I'm not good enough to get hired for real, or healthy enough for that to be a realistic goal. I'm not strong enough to keep fighting against the pain and the dark thoughts. I'm not sick enough for doctors to take me seriously--specifically psychiatrists. As long as I'm not actively hurting myself, I'm not sick enough for help. I've seen a dozen psychiatrists and a dozen counselors, and there's nothing they're willing to do for me since I have bad reactions to antidepressants. The one time in my life that I truly planned on suicide I was ON an antidepressant, and the withdrawal from that antidepressant, Paxil, was one of the worst experiences of my life. Everytime I see counselors, they ask me how good I expect to be doing, and tell me that I am actually coping well. I feel so trapped.
I wish I believed that medication could help me--but I've tried everything for fibro and over 10 antidepressants. I'm just someone who doesn't tolerate medications well at all. And it all feels so hopeless.
Anyway, thanks for listening. I have to let this out somewhere--I'm crying as I type. But now I have to go get ready for work.
It's been raining all night and morning here. Hubby and I have been in an ongoing argument since yesterday about pain. He claims that all pain is just pain and compared fibro to body building.... and body building hurts, asked, if they can "get used to it" why can't you? Boy, you should see the steam coming out of my ears. I told him body builders hurt the day after their workout, but the pain is...
Do you ike roses an dof so do you have a fav orite color??I love roses and love ornage ones , they are just so pretty, maybe becasue fall is my favotite time of year but won't refuse and color rose, lol