I've been in a major flare for a while--I had time off for the holidays, but I was sick for it. I was supposed to go back yesterday but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I stopped taking the birth control because I couldn't put up with the side effects, and of course that brought my period--which is meaner than usual. Add that to the sore throat and cold, and I just couldn't do it.
But it's more than the physical. I'm so deeply depressed that I'm constantly having thoughts of hurting myself. I'm not actually going to hurt myself--really I'm not--but I can't shake wanting to. I would rather get hit by a bus than go into work today. The job isn't that bad, though I feel isolated and underappreciated. I have this horrible voice in my head telling me that it's not enough. What's not enough? I'm not enough--I'm not good enough to get hired for real, or healthy enough for that to be a realistic goal. I'm not strong enough to keep fighting against the pain and the dark thoughts. I'm not sick enough for doctors to take me seriously--specifically psychiatrists. As long as I'm not actively hurting myself, I'm not sick enough for help. I've seen a dozen psychiatrists and a dozen counselors, and there's nothing they're willing to do for me since I have bad reactions to antidepressants. The one time in my life that I truly planned on suicide I was ON an antidepressant, and the withdrawal from that antidepressant, Paxil, was one of the worst experiences of my life. Everytime I see counselors, they ask me how good I expect to be doing, and tell me that I am actually coping well. I feel so trapped.
I wish I believed that medication could help me--but I've tried everything for fibro and over 10 antidepressants. I'm just someone who doesn't tolerate medications well at all. And it all feels so hopeless.
Anyway, thanks for listening. I have to let this out somewhere--I'm crying as I type. But now I have to go get ready for work.
This past week, an extended family member was murdered by her psychopathic ex whom she was trying to get away from. She had just turned 21 yrs old and had her whole life ahead of her. He burned her body beyond recognition and tried to make it look like an accident. They couldn't even ID her. Over 10 years ago, this was almost me. I was stalked relentlessly by a guy I had briefly dated. It turned...
Good morning! And I just realized I have to be at an appointment in 45 minutes and I have yet to shower. Sooo... Yikes. The lawyer will be telling me once and for all if/how I will do apply8ing for SSDI etc. It's the Last Ditch Effort. How did I forget it was this mornign? OMG. Denial won't make it easier...Wishing everyone big soft fresh-from-the-oven cinnamon-roll (or pastry of choice) sort...