I've been in a major flare for a while--I had time off for the holidays, but I was sick for it. I was supposed to go back yesterday but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I stopped taking the birth control because I couldn't put up with the side effects, and of course that brought my period--which is meaner than usual. Add that to the sore throat and cold, and I just couldn't do it.
But it's more than the physical. I'm so deeply depressed that I'm constantly having thoughts of hurting myself. I'm not actually going to hurt myself--really I'm not--but I can't shake wanting to. I would rather get hit by a bus than go into work today. The job isn't that bad, though I feel isolated and underappreciated. I have this horrible voice in my head telling me that it's not enough. What's not enough? I'm not enough--I'm not good enough to get hired for real, or healthy enough for that to be a realistic goal. I'm not strong enough to keep fighting against the pain and the dark thoughts. I'm not sick enough for doctors to take me seriously--specifically psychiatrists. As long as I'm not actively hurting myself, I'm not sick enough for help. I've seen a dozen psychiatrists and a dozen counselors, and there's nothing they're willing to do for me since I have bad reactions to antidepressants. The one time in my life that I truly planned on suicide I was ON an antidepressant, and the withdrawal from that antidepressant, Paxil, was one of the worst experiences of my life. Everytime I see counselors, they ask me how good I expect to be doing, and tell me that I am actually coping well. I feel so trapped.
I wish I believed that medication could help me--but I've tried everything for fibro and over 10 antidepressants. I'm just someone who doesn't tolerate medications well at all. And it all feels so hopeless.
Anyway, thanks for listening. I have to let this out somewhere--I'm crying as I type. But now I have to go get ready for work.
it does to a person to not talk about it?i have shared only a little bit about my brother and about my ex with my therapist....it stutters out of me,and i can't look at him.change the subject...it has been a long long time but it still catches in my throat.
Good morning!I hurt like the dickens. Bad hip. On hold with the physio doc again. Again. Again. Again. *sigh*Day three. Need to get seen. The hip is wrong wrong wrong. No idea what happened. Just went and that's that, y'know.***What's your favorite comfort food when you're hurting? I usually don't eat a lot when in pain except hot chocolate and an Indian dish called palak paneer the way a certain...