" I still feel a strong urge that there is just no point to living."

Sometimes anti-depressents trigger a sense of apathy that lends itself to suicidal ideations. You sound suicidal. You were careful to not say the word, but having been suicidal in the past and knowing what it means to say "it is like being dead already."

You need help immediately, as soon as possible. Your anti-depressent is not working properly and it needs to be changed as soon as possible. You need to see a therapist alone to help you cope, and with your husband to repair your marriage.

If you think you might hurt yourself tonight please call 911 or ask your husband to take you to the emergency room. I understand you are having a tough time, but I am sure your husband and child love you very much and you have a lot to live for.

Take care.

I agree with angel. You must get the depression managed before you can do anything else. Once the dark weight of depression has lifted you will be able to work through the marital problems.
You will also gradually get to a point where this disease does not define who you are.
I know your husband must love you a lot, he probably could use some counselling on coping with all the resultant problems of having a loved one with FMS. It is a life altering disease for you and your spouse.
Please listen to Angel and get help immediately. Good luck, sweetie. You will be in my prayers. Gentle hugs to you, Sue

I have to agree with Angel... you need help right now & I hope you'll do whatever it takes to get you through this.
I can truly understand how you're feeling because I spent the better part of 2 yrs in the dark place. I managed to crawl my way out by just telling myself,
"Just one more day... I can try for just one more day!" Sometimes it got down to just one more hour, but I kept on.
What's the point? Well... sometimes that's hard to figure out, but for right now focus on your beautiful baby and how much your family loves & needs you! Let that be the start...let that be enough for right now. And find the help you need to get yourself through this darkness.
Life with Fibro truly sucks, we all know that. But I hope you'll realize that you still are a valuable person and that we here will always stand with you, beside you and behind you if necessary in order to hold you up!!! If there's anything I can do for you, please let me know!

Andie

I agree with the rest of them. You need to get help now.
Remember suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem. I know you might not think it is temporary but, it is if you get on the right meds.
There are so many different meds. out there that will help.
Make sure you see a Dr. right away, the sooner you go the quicker that they can help you.
We are all here if you need to talk.

WOW Im so scared for you right now!
Please know that You are strong, Your ability to write is beautiful.
We are all here for you thats a promise.
Its hard this is a horrific illness and honestly I was on xanax before changing to ativan, I honestly didnt think I was behaving differently.
I obviously was considering everyone saw that besides myself.
Sometimes anti depressants will affect you and you simply dont know because you feel as if your "fine".
Its hard to recognize your change of mood when its you.
I honestly fought my husband for the xanax and told him he was ruining my life!
In all reality I was going insane from the med!
I changed medication and I now know that it altered me in ONE horrible way.

If you cant take anymore you know your body is giving up, more so than anyone else.
We have all been here honey, your not alone.
I cry for you tonight while writing this hoping someone said something to help.
I wish I had a magical word that would fix it all for you. I would take all your pain away and put it on myself tonight if it would change the way you feel about yourself without a second thought.
I am a stranger and would be willing to endure your pain to give you happiness.
Imagine what your family would do for you right now to help.
Talk to someone send me a message I will exchange my number and talk to you until you are ok ?
Love you and we are all here!
Jessica

I, too, am really worried for you. You are terribly depressed right now, and that really messes up our thought process. While it is tiring having to deal with the mess of Fibro and all its related symptoms, please get some help immediately for your depression. Whatever you are doing or taking is not working. Please know that there are many people here who care about you. Prayers and hugs.

I posted an answer in the Depression board for you.

I'm sorry that you are feeling so bad about yourself. Know what, we have to keep going so doctor's can find us a cure. We have to talk, talk, talk until we are blue in the face. Make doctors acknowledge this is a real, painful and exhausting disease.

The good news is that you are reaching out and wanting help. Are you able to talk to a crisis line, explain that you are basically bedridden and get someone to come into the home? It does sound like you need to work some things out about your marriage.

Also, it could be the new meds that are making you feel this way.

Are you able to work from home? Is there a support group that you can join? What about getting someone to help your hubby around the house a few days a week? It should be covered under your medical plan.

Keep coming here. We have to support each other as we are the only ones that truly know the effects of FM.

(((HUGS)))

The fact that you actually took the time to write this gives me hope. It shows that somewhere in you, you know that there is a point to living. I cannot stress how much I agree with angel. I, too, have been suicidal before. It IS hard to deal with the pain, but it's not worth it to end your life. Please please please go get your meds changed! Antidepressants can increase suicidal thoughts, and it definitely sounds like you need to try a new one.

four perc.s a day?

honey! i would be in pain too if that was all i took. i also don't have any money. the doc i found to finally give me the pain meds i needed costs me $115 every month, then $25 for my script of pain meds. so no, its not cheap, but it is doable. you need a pain manegement doctor. regular docs won't give you the strong meds that you obviously need. i have been on here SEVERAL times as everyone can tell you, complaining that docs hand out anti-depressants left and right without considering the side effects. i think docs should have to take everything they prescribe at one point in ther lives. i know its not "practical", but i just wish they knew what it was like to be treated like a guinea pig for every new anti-dep. that is put out on the market. i know they help some people, and that is great. good for them for finding help in any way that they can. i do not, however, believe that every single person with fibro needs to be on anti-depressants. where is all this "proof" that they work in the first place? your husband sounds like he is very emotionally immature. so think of it this way. do you really want to leave your baby behind to be raised by an immature parent? you have more to offer a child then taking them to the park. you have sympathy, knowledge, experience, maturity, kindness, and most importantly, love. it is not your fault that you are sick, or in pain. you do not deserve this to be happening to you right now. i promise, if you take a stronger pain med, one that will actually help your pain, not just tear up your tummy while making you cranky and iriitable(perc. cans do that sometimes) your mood will improve on its own. pain is very stressful on your body and mind. i know a lot of people feel guilty about being addicted to pain medication, but that is what it is there for. to take your pain away. and screw these doctors who are so "worried" about you getting addicted. you are an adult, not a child. the truth about being an addict is that opiates can shut down your natural pain killing system in your brain. endorphins are our natural painkillers. when we take pain meds, our body stops making endorphins. when we stop the pain meds, it takes our body a week to start making the endorphins again. during this week, you will feel all the pain in your body that is normally covered up by our endorphins. you will get cold sweats, maybe vomit,have loose stools, feel depressed, anixious, no sleep, burning skin, sore muscles, some cramping, in other words, its like a really bad flare of fibro plus flu symptoms. now they have a drug called Suboxone. (sp?) you can take it when you want to stop your pain meds, and it will mask any withdrawl symptoms you may have. then after a week or so, you stop taking the suboxone,and then its over.

thats it.

thats what the doctors are "protecting" you from.

i take methadone, 30mgs to 40mgs a day. it lasts for a really long time in your system, so it also takes about a month to detox once you are hooked. it works wonders for me. i was taking ten vicodin a day when they first put me on it. i couldn't believe the difference! even when i took the vicodin, my pain only would go away for about thirty minutes or so. with the methadone it took the pain away almost totally and for almost all day!

there are stronger pain meds you can take that don't have the long detoox of methadone. they are the same week as the vicodin or prcocet.

dilauded
oxycontin
roxycodone
morphine
fentnyl(the spelling on that is wrong, but it usually comes in a patch and is slowly released into your body, lasting for up to three days for one patch)

once you are out of pain, then you can do the exercise and movement that will help your body to heal naturally. and once you are more able to move around, your mood will improve as well. omega 3 is really good for mood elevation. i also just started a super powerful vitamin powder that i hope will help. vitamin D is also supposed to be good for pain.
i take the strong pain meds, but i always try anything natural that i can find that might help improve the pain.

i know how desperate you feel. i went to ten different doctors and three different emergency rooms in three different hospitols about twelve different times. none of them helped me. finally, i found a clinic that was sliding scale, and had a doctor willing to believe my story and give me the methadone for the pain. my boyfriend was about to leave me, my job cut my hours, i had dropped out of school and given up on my dream of starting my own childcare center. the methadone changed all that. i now am back in school, i work cleaning houses and watching my friend's two kids, i am about to have a huge art show in a week.

i am also starting to go to a therapist. it is through a program that is sliding scale. almost every town has something like it. you can often get a list of free or almost free services from your local DHS. every little bit helps.

i know what it is like to be poor and in pain and scared all the time. i also know what it feels like to want to give up. you don't want to die, you just want things to change. there may be no point to a lot of things in life, but you made life meaningful when you had your baby. who says you need another baby anyway? i would be grateful to have one. i have seen the effects of what happens to children when thier parents leave them from suicide. they blame themselves, often they end up abusing drugs and or alcohol. if just the thought of your child being messed up for the rest of thier lives if you were to take your own life keeps you here, then so be it. as bad as it is right now, it could always get worse.

don't give up. get a better pain doc, and better pain meds. your life will improve. don't let the big bad scare of addiction keep you from enjoying your life. because it is yours to enjoy, not the doctors that give you the wrongs medications to satisfy thier own "morals." you can do a lot of things to improve your health that isn't drug related, but first get yourslef out of pain so you can have the room to breathe and consider these other options. because you can always stop taking them when you want to or need to. or if that is the only thing that helps you be able to enjoy your life, then take it as long as you need to!

just remember to be kind to yourself. give yourself a break. if your husband can't let you off the emotional hook for one second, and let you do what you need to do for yourself, then tell him to go stay at a friends house for awhile and have a friend or family member come stay over and help you. or find a charity program that offers some sort of help in the home. i wish i was there to do it for you myself. hang on please. and get off of those damn anti-depressants! they are not working for you. try life without them and just the stronger pain meds. see how you feel emotionally without constant pain. don't be afraid to ask for what you need.


much love
you can message me anytime if you ever need anything

kris

I have had FM for over 25 years and have lived with this pain for so long. Just know that their are meds out there to help you. You just have to work on finding the right combo.

I have an 8 year old daughter and I am so happy to be alive just to watch her grow. I would never want some other person to bring her up. If I look at it like that I will NEVER give up ever. You need to be stronger than this crap. Your baby needs you.

One thing I did that really helped was I found a really good post and had my hubby and daughter read it. My daughter started crying because it really hit home how much pain I was in. My hubby is a lot more understand (he was already but I think he needed a new light on the subject) and he closed our business to be with me more and to help with our daughter. So please have your hubby read a post that you think is something like you. Not one you wrote one someone else wrote. It may help to open his eyes.

I actully wrote on last night about guilt and FM so look it up. I am praying for you girl.

V
P.S. Ditto on what angel said!!

**************GET HELP NOW GO TO EMERG NOW, PLEASE!!!!!!!!********

please, please don't give up. i think some of the problem is you are not geting restoritive sleep.. I was there last fall, I slept all the time, but I was so fatigued, I could not stay awake, slurred speech, memory issues..i took some one with me when I went to the dr, because by the time i got to the car, I forgot what was said. you have to get the pain under control inorder to sleep well, pain under control, memory and speech problems will go a way too. exericse will help with the sleep, I know how that sounds.... start slow and work your way up to more.. there are many vitiams and minerals, and natural products you can use. a good book to read is alterative treatments for fibromyaliga and chronic fatigue... please try the vitiams and natural way. SLEEP IS THE KEY RESTORITIVE SLEEP THOUGH. WHEN YOU DO NOT GET RESTORITVE SLEEP IT DEPLETES YOUR BODY OF EVERYTHING IT NEEDS TO FUNCTION.. you are a strong a woman and you have your baby to fight for, you can and will get well enough to do all the things a mother does for a child. there will be good days and of course there will be bad days too.. you have to learn to listen to your body and rest when you need to.. its simple...last spring a dr told me that she could make me feel 50 % better then I was feeling that day, well gusse what its fall and I feel 150 % better thenI did. I quit seeing that dr. and start on the natural path.. please try it and let me know how you are doing, I care.. love , hugs and many kissess, kimmy

Are you feeling any better this morning? I know exactly where you are coming from and had just written some similar stuff to my friend. Although I am no where near suicidal. I hope you can get some help. Please let us know if we can do anything for you.

Everyone who has responded has already given you wonderful advice, I just want to tell you that I am also here for you. Please lean on us, let us be here for you, let us know how you are. We all care very much. Blessings and hugs