So I spoke to a new counselor yesterday, and I’m not impressed. Basically, the main issue that’s been weighing on me is the back and forth in my mind and my heart about whether or not to try to have a child. I’m afraid that with my pain levels being what they are and my depression being what it is, that I wouldn’t have the energy or strength to be a good mother. It’s also a factor that we have no family support; there’s so one I can ask to help me. And it’s an irrevocable decision, so I go back and forth. Part of me wants so much to be a mother, to raise a child, to have that in my life. I know it’s hard work, but I know there’s a lot of joy in it. The other part of me is the part that only feels calm when I tell myself I don’t have to do this. That maybe it’s better for everyone involved if I accept my limitations. There are a lot of other issues with my depression, but it feels like this is the one that I need help resolving.
Anyway, my new counselor told me about how for her having children was just the next logical step after her career, and now she has 3 grown sons, etc. And it’s like that’s nice, dear, but not relevant. She’s not me. I was hoping for someone who could at least be a sounding board while I figure things out. Her advice to me? Meditate and keep a dream journal. Oh, and if I decide to go through with it and my depression does get out of hand, then I can be hospitalized. Never mind that I'm terrified of hospitals, and I've been on 10 different antidepressants, and a hospital visit is just forced antidepressant #11.
So yeah. Not helpful.
But the part that I’ve gotten questions about is the process. I used my smartphone, and I made a mistake in my initial set up that meant that the microphone wasn’t working, so it turned into a phone call. In terms of ease of access, it was fine. We used Zoom, which is a free app for your computer or smartphone. I’m going to try one more time with this counselor – next Wednesday. We’ll see how it goes.
There’s also a concern with privacy, I suppose….on my end, I’m not that worried, because my husband respects my privacy. On their end, I don’t know how to even guess. However, the fact is if my privacy is breached, I’ll have legal recourse.
So that's it. Let me know if you have questions about the process.