I was dating an older guy, which I didn't see as a problem at the time. It was a 6-7 yr age difference, i am 24. I have unresolved issues relating to molestation as a child. I say this because i think it might be why the following story has such a strong effect on me.

In the past i might have fallen into the sex addict category. I always thought of being kinky and having a high sex drive as a good thing so long as it wasn't harmful to myself or my daily life. Then it started becomming too out of control. A long standing relationship i'd been in ended....and i was dating around. Not in order to have sex, because masturbation was enough for me [even if i did it too much for my own good].

I met a guy, we dated for a few weeks, became a couple...and at my express wishes did not have sex for a month. It had been about 4 months for me and i assumed our sexual problems were because of this and a few other things. He was a lot larger then any previous b/fs and i just thought i needed to get used to it. It was not enjoyable, then painful, and finnally i started having really bad urinary infections. To the point where i would need to call in sick and sit in a hot tub for hours on end in tears. I saw a doctor a few times who gave me anti-biotics. My boyfriend and I had discussed the issue several times. We agreed to be more gentil and that he wouldn't enter all the way. I started drinking because I noticed it loosened me up and it hurt less. The gentil sex wasn't stimulating for him, and he hardly ever climaxed....i felt guilty about this.
after drinking I would become more able to do more in bed or just more willing and less caring about the consequences. He would get rough and I would say ouch, or move away [he ignored what i said at times or thought i was being kinky and played into it more roughly]. then we'd start again and he'd get rough again...this would happen a few times till i just gave up so it would be over sooner. I had tearing/bleeding and multiple urinary tract infections. So eventually I just found myself trying to arrange our plans so i wouldn't be spending the night with him. The sex addict part of me didn't want to stop or end the relations even though it was hurting. I felt ashamed for being bad in bed, and thought it would be wrong to end things because I didn't want to sleep with him. We split after 6 months for many reasons, including the ones i've mentioned.

After a couple of weeks I noticed how strongly I guarded my personal space. A friend tried to voice his interest in dating me, ever since i've kept my distance from him physically and socially. When getting change at the deli i will go through any number of awkward movements to avoid touching the guy's hand when i get my change. I'm very leery of brushing hands, friendly hugs...and espcially if someone has interest in dating.
I stopped masturbating altogether for a good 3 months, and only occassionally for another 3 or 4. My friends that have noticed that i go out of my way to avoid touching even them...[in the most casual way].

Then we had a major loss in the family, my step-father died of cancer. I was sad about it, but i'm not really the crying/hugging type....so i didn't untill the funeral. I hugged sooooo many strangers, and cried in front of countless people. While it's horrible and i'd rather it had never happend... i thought that maybe i had been cured. I hugged a lot of my friends too, guys and girls. Over the next 4 months my sex drive picked up in masturbation....but i still wanted nothing to do with a partner. I've recenly started thinking of people again when i do this....but not all the time. I miss being in a relationship, but i don't miss the sex. This is the longest i've ever been single. I think a friend of mine has been interested since we met, but too scared to be direct because of the little he does know about my past. [ that i'm not interested in dating and my last one was rocky ]

Truthfully i'm glad i've taken time to be single considering these issues... and i'm not even sure i'm attracted to my friend. I'm mostly troubled by the fact that i miss being in a relationship...and loving someone. But i don't feel like i can. I worry about not wanting to sleep with future b/f's. The unrational side of me is worried it will be painful again. I know that I played the biggest part in my past, and not speaking up and not taking care of myself was my fault. But I worry that i would do that again. What if the next guy i get attatched to is larger then i'm used to as well? what if now i messed something up and sex will never be good again? how would i tell a new b/f these issues? who would want to date someone with these issues? I can't seem to imagine being intimate with anyone, not just sex. I know i need to deal with these issues before i start dating again... i guess i'm just ready to start on some levels.

I'm VERY uncomfortable with talking about these issues with a therapist. I tried talking about my childhood molestation with a female therapist in the past,...and it was just too much and too invasive for me. I had to stop because it was effecting my life negativly. I restarted eating disorder behavior again [anorexia and bulemia], and drinking. Right now i'm focused on my school work and on the heavy end of the healthy scale =] and pretty okay with it, i know that once finnals are over i will be working out again and more healthy. But when my friend very shyly mentioned something recently letting me know he was interested, a few days later i had a purging inceident and some starving.... =[

I don't feel intimdated or scared of him at all... so i don't understand where this came from. It's also confusing b/c i don't even know if i'm attracted to him. So why start starving and purging? And why can't I just figure out if i'm interested in him or not? And why can't i just get over what happend in my last relationship? I understand that it was my choice, so i made a bad one....no biggie right? =[ any sugestions?

I recently watched Black Snake Moan, the previews were AWEFUL....and i have a thing for bad movies =] anyways....it was a bit of a surprise for me how meanful it was. It helped me to think about the past from when i was a kid....so i recomend it to anyone that has been molested/rape as a child. But it did mess me up for a good week or two....so be careful as well.