From the age of 16 I had what I thought was a wonderful sex life. Looking back I would say I was probably very selfish though. I used sex as love, as I beleived that the two were the same. I only felt loved and wanted during sex. After, I felt cheap and worthless.

I had many abusive relationships where I was physically beaten up and to cope with this I would drink excessivly. (cant feel them hitting you when your drunk).

I have had 1 loving relationship and that was when I was 25, and as a result I had my son.
The sex was good and for once we looked after each other.
Unfortunately that relationship ended and sex became unimportant for me.

Since then I have had 3 relationships, (getting married to the 3rd). Sex got pretty boring after a while and far from looking after my own needs I concentrated on my partner. Perhaps I have just been unlucky but they just seemed to be interested in their needs.

Especially with my now, ex husband, he drove me mad. God I was so bored. It was like a routine, 1st thing in the morning, if I said no because i'd be late for work he would call me selfish. In public he had to make a spectacle of having his arm round me. This made me so uncomfortable. (dont get me wrong i love cuddles, but not in public)

As for orgasms... I think i've forgotten what they are. Got so used to faking them.
After my miscarriage I lost all interest in sex, he kept pestering me so I would do my wifely duty but I would cry all the way through and couldn't wait for it to end.

All i wanted was for him to hold me and not want it to lead anywhere else. To make me feel attractive and special.
The rows got worse and I found out he had been seeing his ex and having sex with her.

I was so releived it gave me the way out that I needed. He rang me one night saying he was staying the night with her and he would see me the following day. I told him not to bother coming home. He didn't.

I divorced him for adultery and am now free of him.
Sex? I don't know whether its due to my depression, some days I couldnt care less after all for me sex is abusive, cruel and selfish.
Then I have the occassional day when I feel so sad. I wish someone would 'fancy' me, but love me also for who I am. It would be so great to see sex as part of a loving, caring relationship, but I suspect it is too late for me.

Am I the only one that feels this way? Can change ever happen?