I have no memory of ever being abused. I was abused emotionally and physically growing up. I have anxiety. Recently, well for a while, I have had serious trouble having sex with my boyfriend. We have been together for 3 years. If he comes to me in a sexual manner all my muscles tense up. If he is on top the same thing happens. I can only have normal sex that I enjoy on rare occasions. I was sexually active at a very young age. My mom caught me once and made me feel really bad. I was like 3 maybe. I didnt have sex till I was 18. I couldnt go near penis' really until my current boyfriend who I finally feel safe and comfortable with, but not when it comes to sex. I can't masturbate or touch myself if I do masterbate, and then I feel terrible about it afterwards. I have no sex drive what-so ever. I am on no medications. This is ruining my relationship. He thinks Im not attracted to him and we have had sooo many conversations about this. I tell him I am attracted, but since I am so freaked out about sex what is he to think? I am starting to think all of my reactions to this could come from being some how abused when I was younger. I have no idea what to do. I have no medical and no money so I can't seek professional help which Is probably what I need with this.
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