Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
I don't know really how to start without going back to wear I was in my relationship with my husband back in I think year of 1999 or 2000. We were not yet engaged or married, but it all started on Christmas back at his sisters house with inlaws. I got my feelings hurt over something petty she said and did, and she got upset, I pouted most of the day. She never apologized. I did on our wedding day (back in 2001, so a year later). Before that I took Easter baskets to her kids to make it up to her in my way. I tried and my husband tried at first, then we didn't really talk with her or her family for a year or so. Well, since time has passed, his sister and I have become okay with each other really since I had my baby (he's over a year old now). She's helped us out with watching him, not asked for any money, only favors for her which is fine and we appreciate it. Just for info, his mom and dad have harped on all three of us about how things needed to be better between us and they were all upset over their son (my husband) and their daughter (his sister) no longer having a relationship at all...and of course, even though it was not verbally said, I feel they blame me for it. They have always been those parents that like to interfere trying to make things better, which they usually end up making things worse!
Well, in the past, I have had post pardum, problems getting along with his family (mostly mom in the last year or so). and I've stood up to her a few times..maybe not in the best way. But, sometimes my fuse is very short around his family because I feel like I need to defend myself, because he doesn't do it (only when I'm not around) so it's hard for me to even know or feel like he does. He just sits there usually when his mom makes a flippant comment, or his dad makes comments to me about personal things (like shopping...we are in debt and I sometimes shop too much out of stress relief). I saw a counselor about this and my easily angered temper this past year since I had the baby.
What I am asking is about what happened a week or so ago. His parents came down, to celebrate his birthday and see their grandson (my son) and his mom watched him a lot for us. Well, I had a good weekend, and day, then that evening they all wanted to go to dinner. They always want to go to one particular restaurant that I don't care for because they always mess up the order or food, and it's not good. So, I told my husband to suggest the other place. I had been out shopping looking for a dress for a party we will go to around Christmas. When I got home, his dad asked, "where's all your bags?"... I said, "they are in the car.."...he said, "you didn't need anything right, but you wanted to buy them?...and he sarcastically said it, as my husband would later tell me, he was joking. I didn't take it as a joke and it offended me very much. Then, his dad said, well, we wanted to go to bla bla restaurant, but my husband told him chilis so that's where we are going. He was acting annoyed and rude about it. I said, well, that's probably because of me, but I don't mind going to the other one because I can just get a simple salad etc. He was adamant and insisted, no we already made a decision and that's where we are going. Well, I got ready quickly, and was annoyed at him. We got to the restaurant, and his sister and her daughter made a comment they were not feeling well...a cold etc. My son has been off and on sick for 3 weeks...not sure if teething or what it is maybe weather change. Well, she said, I'll take him (because my son was acting up) and I said, no, I don't want him to get sick again if you aren't feeling well. Well, she rolled her eyes bigtime! Then, I said, I'm sorry I just don't want to get him sick again. She said, Hey, it's your son that got us sick (because she had watched him for us recently). I IMMEDIATELY got defensive, and said I don't think so and she said I do, and I said no he didn't, and she went back at me, and it was a bad argument at the table. I was rude but so was she...well, his dad said, girls lets not do this it doesn't matter who got him sick etc. There was silence at the table with us rest of the way eating, and I just left immediately after I finished to go home to put my son to bed. His parents got home, and I didn't speak to them. Well, they apparently (while I was upstairs avoiding them) grilled my husband and just said all kind of things like, we won't be back, we can't take this anymore, why did "she" being me, do that...not even admitting what his sister did was wrong. They always BLAME ME! He came up to our room, crying, asking why I did that,etc, making me feel bad, I ran downstairs yelling, how is this all my fault? Why am I always the villain and always wrong? How can you make your son cry like this? His mom said hey you did this etc. His dad defended the situation, saying, no you did the wrong thing. You shouldn't have blew up at his sister like that etc. I was so angry, I said, I'm through, just through with everything...and ran upstairs. (keep in mind my son is asleep 6 feet from my room upstairs)....my mother in law goes upstairs to talk to me. She tells me that she's never had anyone talk to her the way I have. Then she tells me I"m an "I" person, I'm selfish, I'm shallow, then kept yelling, saying "let me finish" when I tried to talk, and I said, "don't yell, my son's asleep...she said, oh, that's not what this is about, she said, don't tell me not to yell. What did I do to you? Why do you this? We are going to leave tonight walk out that door and never come back,....I said, "fine, that will be your decision"..she said, "no, you did this, this is your decision"..I said, you just gave your son a guilt trip...which she did, and that's what she always does to get her way!! Anyway, she said that I didn't give a new york minute about her and his dad...I said, if that is true, why was I trying to get you to spend time with me, go out to lunch etc or shop, and you never want to go? You just want to watch my son while I go out? I said, why am i wrong? Her daughter did things to, then somehow, it all got turned into about me and her..and I ended up with her saying, I had to drag the "im sorry" out of me, and we ended up somehow making up hugging, and she apologized for not wanting to spend time with me etc. She also said, she thought when they left I would call my mom and tell her how horrible they were...that I judged them and they didn't judge me. (I think that's partly true being I feel she's judging me, but I think she and his dad are because the house isn't always clean enough, garage is messy, etc, and they think being a housewife (taking care of our busy son, is a walk in the park while my husband works...etc). I also I think she was a little tipsy from wine that night (his mom always seems to be). Well, the next morning, I apologized to his dad, he never did to me.....he said, someone needs to make things better between us girls. Basically, he was saying I needed to apologize to his sister. That night, she had emailed us asking for some chairs we borrowed from her back. I brought them back, apologized to her to her face and said I appreciated all she did. And, that her dad upset me. Well, seemed things were fine.
HERE'S THE BIG QUESTION...I am suppose to go up to see his family (stay with them for days) with our son and my husband to see his mom. I can't seem to get past all the things she said to me. What do I do? Do I go, take a chance on being annoyed, or being fake, or write her a letter telling her how I feel? I am asking because if I call her she'll just get into tears or yell, or not let me say a word at all. I don't know what to do or how to make this better...my husband and I have a lot on us trying to sell our home for his job, which the market is not good. And, my son has been sick off and on, and we have some debt issues, and now his parents..well, he doesn't really want to talk to them or me about it, and says he's in the middle. I don't really agree though, because I think he should support me, although, I admit, I shouldn't have blew up in the restaurant, but I am just sick off their flippant and rude comments and I finally, finally stood up to his sister once...and it felt good! But, I didn't mean to upset everyone. Please help with any advice...
thanks.
Well, in the past, I have had post pardum, problems getting along with his family (mostly mom in the last year or so). and I've stood up to her a few times..maybe not in the best way. But, sometimes my fuse is very short around his family because I feel like I need to defend myself, because he doesn't do it (only when I'm not around) so it's hard for me to even know or feel like he does. He just sits there usually when his mom makes a flippant comment, or his dad makes comments to me about personal things (like shopping...we are in debt and I sometimes shop too much out of stress relief). I saw a counselor about this and my easily angered temper this past year since I had the baby.
What I am asking is about what happened a week or so ago. His parents came down, to celebrate his birthday and see their grandson (my son) and his mom watched him a lot for us. Well, I had a good weekend, and day, then that evening they all wanted to go to dinner. They always want to go to one particular restaurant that I don't care for because they always mess up the order or food, and it's not good. So, I told my husband to suggest the other place. I had been out shopping looking for a dress for a party we will go to around Christmas. When I got home, his dad asked, "where's all your bags?"... I said, "they are in the car.."...he said, "you didn't need anything right, but you wanted to buy them?...and he sarcastically said it, as my husband would later tell me, he was joking. I didn't take it as a joke and it offended me very much. Then, his dad said, well, we wanted to go to bla bla restaurant, but my husband told him chilis so that's where we are going. He was acting annoyed and rude about it. I said, well, that's probably because of me, but I don't mind going to the other one because I can just get a simple salad etc. He was adamant and insisted, no we already made a decision and that's where we are going. Well, I got ready quickly, and was annoyed at him. We got to the restaurant, and his sister and her daughter made a comment they were not feeling well...a cold etc. My son has been off and on sick for 3 weeks...not sure if teething or what it is maybe weather change. Well, she said, I'll take him (because my son was acting up) and I said, no, I don't want him to get sick again if you aren't feeling well. Well, she rolled her eyes bigtime! Then, I said, I'm sorry I just don't want to get him sick again. She said, Hey, it's your son that got us sick (because she had watched him for us recently). I IMMEDIATELY got defensive, and said I don't think so and she said I do, and I said no he didn't, and she went back at me, and it was a bad argument at the table. I was rude but so was she...well, his dad said, girls lets not do this it doesn't matter who got him sick etc. There was silence at the table with us rest of the way eating, and I just left immediately after I finished to go home to put my son to bed. His parents got home, and I didn't speak to them. Well, they apparently (while I was upstairs avoiding them) grilled my husband and just said all kind of things like, we won't be back, we can't take this anymore, why did "she" being me, do that...not even admitting what his sister did was wrong. They always BLAME ME! He came up to our room, crying, asking why I did that,etc, making me feel bad, I ran downstairs yelling, how is this all my fault? Why am I always the villain and always wrong? How can you make your son cry like this? His mom said hey you did this etc. His dad defended the situation, saying, no you did the wrong thing. You shouldn't have blew up at his sister like that etc. I was so angry, I said, I'm through, just through with everything...and ran upstairs. (keep in mind my son is asleep 6 feet from my room upstairs)....my mother in law goes upstairs to talk to me. She tells me that she's never had anyone talk to her the way I have. Then she tells me I"m an "I" person, I'm selfish, I'm shallow, then kept yelling, saying "let me finish" when I tried to talk, and I said, "don't yell, my son's asleep...she said, oh, that's not what this is about, she said, don't tell me not to yell. What did I do to you? Why do you this? We are going to leave tonight walk out that door and never come back,....I said, "fine, that will be your decision"..she said, "no, you did this, this is your decision"..I said, you just gave your son a guilt trip...which she did, and that's what she always does to get her way!! Anyway, she said that I didn't give a new york minute about her and his dad...I said, if that is true, why was I trying to get you to spend time with me, go out to lunch etc or shop, and you never want to go? You just want to watch my son while I go out? I said, why am i wrong? Her daughter did things to, then somehow, it all got turned into about me and her..and I ended up with her saying, I had to drag the "im sorry" out of me, and we ended up somehow making up hugging, and she apologized for not wanting to spend time with me etc. She also said, she thought when they left I would call my mom and tell her how horrible they were...that I judged them and they didn't judge me. (I think that's partly true being I feel she's judging me, but I think she and his dad are because the house isn't always clean enough, garage is messy, etc, and they think being a housewife (taking care of our busy son, is a walk in the park while my husband works...etc). I also I think she was a little tipsy from wine that night (his mom always seems to be). Well, the next morning, I apologized to his dad, he never did to me.....he said, someone needs to make things better between us girls. Basically, he was saying I needed to apologize to his sister. That night, she had emailed us asking for some chairs we borrowed from her back. I brought them back, apologized to her to her face and said I appreciated all she did. And, that her dad upset me. Well, seemed things were fine.
HERE'S THE BIG QUESTION...I am suppose to go up to see his family (stay with them for days) with our son and my husband to see his mom. I can't seem to get past all the things she said to me. What do I do? Do I go, take a chance on being annoyed, or being fake, or write her a letter telling her how I feel? I am asking because if I call her she'll just get into tears or yell, or not let me say a word at all. I don't know what to do or how to make this better...my husband and I have a lot on us trying to sell our home for his job, which the market is not good. And, my son has been sick off and on, and we have some debt issues, and now his parents..well, he doesn't really want to talk to them or me about it, and says he's in the middle. I don't really agree though, because I think he should support me, although, I admit, I shouldn't have blew up in the restaurant, but I am just sick off their flippant and rude comments and I finally, finally stood up to his sister once...and it felt good! But, I didn't mean to upset everyone. Please help with any advice...
thanks.
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
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I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
They didn't like our relationship because it didn't fit their idea of christian values. They sat us down one day and had a list of my "faults" They made me sound like Satan's daughter. I said you have got alot of stuff wrong on that list and only God judges me...they replied..how is it judging when it is the truth?? OMG My husband didn't say shit. So the inlaws and I didn't talk for months until I got pregnant and his Mother said I manipulated him into it and that he is seeing things through rose tinted glasses carrying on like it was the worst mistake of his life. While we were planning our wedding she made a huge effort to change and get to know me, so I hung out with her and I began to like her and trust her. She would buy us tons of things which I wasn't happy about but it was mostly for the baby so I didn't complain. What I hated most is she would pop in my house anytime she pleased with no announcement or knock. It drove me up the flippin wall, again my husband did nothing. This was a weekly thing too. She would take it upon herself to start cleaning or doing laundry too. She is so Marie Barone from Everybody loves Raymond. When my husbands brother married his second wife (who he cheated with on his first wife and my MIL hated her more than me) the night of the wedding all the brothers and girls went out and our eldest sister inlaw tried to warn us about our MIL. We said she was being good lately and maybe she learned her lesson. Boy was I wrong. After I had the baby she owned us. She had a word about every damn thing we did. She didn't like how I treated her son, blah blah..but I was a wonderful Mother but that was all I was doing right. Anyhow a couple months ago I found out about all these horrible things she was saying behind my back. Mostly lies or twists on the truth. The whole damn family was talking about me, including my husband. I BLEW UP. I talked it out with my sister in law and worked it out between us but refused to talk to MIL. I bitched my husband out and he vowed never to say anything again to them about me behind my back. She was so controlling she kept trying to force me to talk to her but I didn't think it would work out right because I wanted to strangle her. SO I avoided it than one day my husband informed she was coming over to talk to me. I had written this long letter that was not very pretty and I wasn't going to give it to her but after my husband informed me that just that afternoon she said "That me and my sister-in-law are the kind of women who break up families" I figured it was time for her to read it. So I left the letter at the house. I made sure I wrote in there that she is the type of MIL who breaks up families. I told her and my husband we were moving the fuck out of that house and are not taking anymore help from them. It is time to cut the umbilical cord. But there is still huge tension and I myself am trying to figure out how to get over this. My husband doesn't say shit. And he whines about being in the middle, however he put himself there! I cannot be fake around people period. I can't be around people when there is this much baggage. But my husband can go over there with our kids anytime he wants, until I figure things out.
As for your situation, I would not go...it sounds like it is far away and you might be trapped. Bad things get said when people feel trapped. I can't stay at my own parents for more than one night. It is a rule. (thats another story) Tell your husband to go without you if it is that important to him but you have a right not to put yourself through that. The stress is not good for you. I feel your husband should support you too, I have the same problem with mine and it pisses me off. We are going to counseling because of it, it is tearing us apart. Anyways good luck and I hope you are able to do what is right for you!
((((((((HUGZ)))))))))