Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
I seem to drift away from this site when things are going alright but tonight we had an incident that has shaken me up again.
We went out to dinner tonight, me, my wife and 16 year old son. My wife was complaining about how the computer worked and I suggested that she might be inadvertently touching a key without realizing it. I offered to explain which keys might have functions she didn't know about. She said that wasn't the problem and became very upset because she thought I was calling her a lier. I said I wasn't but she wouldn't listen. My son told her to stop arguing and so she got furious with him too.
When we got to the restaurant she wouldn't go in with us She decided to stay alone in the car. She's done this before when she's upset. I gave her the key for the heater and we had dinner.
When we finished we found that the car was gone. I went back three times to see if she'd returned. I called her cell phone many many times but she didn't answer. Finally, after about 15 or 20 minutes, I had to call a taxi to take me and my son home. She called my cell while I was in the taxi but I was too upset to talk so turned it off.
When she finally came home she was furious with US! She said she had just left a few minutes to grab something for dinner and when she got back we were gone. I called her an obscene name, which I almost never do, told her this was her fault, and left to drive around for 30 minutes so I could cool off.
I'm back now and am calmer. I have changed the password on her computer and have told her that I will be glad to log her in if she asks me politely. (I do something similar to my son when he misbehaves.) She refuses to talk to me at all. She has been angrily telling her version of the story over and over to my son who, of course, doesn't want to listen. He keeps telling her to talk to me but she refuses. Her story is that finding parking took longer than she thought and she forgot her cellphone. Since she didn't deliberately try to do this to us she takes no responsibility for it at all and is furious that we didn't wait for her. (She never even told us she was leaving.)
She took medication for awhile and was much, much, easier to live with but she since has decided she doesn't need it, the problems are other people's, not hers, and stopped several months ago. She's also is 53 and is starting into menopause.
Divorce keeps going through my mind at times like this but I never quite get to the point where I'm pushed over the edge. Boy I wish I didn't have to deal with this stuff though. I'm sure I'm hard to live with too but this just seems to be unreasonably unreasonable.
I really don't think I should back down until she apologizes to ME, not my son, for what she did to us. I don't think she ever will though, She's almost pathologically obsessed with not being blamed for anything.
Am I unreasonable? I'm just drained and empty right now. And we have reservations to see a show tomorrow afternoon. I expect I'll probably be going alone.
If you've read through all this, does anyone have thoughts?
Sigh.
We went out to dinner tonight, me, my wife and 16 year old son. My wife was complaining about how the computer worked and I suggested that she might be inadvertently touching a key without realizing it. I offered to explain which keys might have functions she didn't know about. She said that wasn't the problem and became very upset because she thought I was calling her a lier. I said I wasn't but she wouldn't listen. My son told her to stop arguing and so she got furious with him too.
When we got to the restaurant she wouldn't go in with us She decided to stay alone in the car. She's done this before when she's upset. I gave her the key for the heater and we had dinner.
When we finished we found that the car was gone. I went back three times to see if she'd returned. I called her cell phone many many times but she didn't answer. Finally, after about 15 or 20 minutes, I had to call a taxi to take me and my son home. She called my cell while I was in the taxi but I was too upset to talk so turned it off.
When she finally came home she was furious with US! She said she had just left a few minutes to grab something for dinner and when she got back we were gone. I called her an obscene name, which I almost never do, told her this was her fault, and left to drive around for 30 minutes so I could cool off.
I'm back now and am calmer. I have changed the password on her computer and have told her that I will be glad to log her in if she asks me politely. (I do something similar to my son when he misbehaves.) She refuses to talk to me at all. She has been angrily telling her version of the story over and over to my son who, of course, doesn't want to listen. He keeps telling her to talk to me but she refuses. Her story is that finding parking took longer than she thought and she forgot her cellphone. Since she didn't deliberately try to do this to us she takes no responsibility for it at all and is furious that we didn't wait for her. (She never even told us she was leaving.)
She took medication for awhile and was much, much, easier to live with but she since has decided she doesn't need it, the problems are other people's, not hers, and stopped several months ago. She's also is 53 and is starting into menopause.
Divorce keeps going through my mind at times like this but I never quite get to the point where I'm pushed over the edge. Boy I wish I didn't have to deal with this stuff though. I'm sure I'm hard to live with too but this just seems to be unreasonably unreasonable.
I really don't think I should back down until she apologizes to ME, not my son, for what she did to us. I don't think she ever will though, She's almost pathologically obsessed with not being blamed for anything.
Am I unreasonable? I'm just drained and empty right now. And we have reservations to see a show tomorrow afternoon. I expect I'll probably be going alone.
If you've read through all this, does anyone have thoughts?
Sigh.
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
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I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
I keep thinking of divorce but nothing ever seems to grow big enough for that. The issues are never resolved but just fade away into the background.
You need to be more patient and understanding. She probably knows she has been wrong a few times, but like me doesn't want to admit it sometimes, because she probably gets frustrated with herself for getting mad so easily etc.but she can't help it. Can't understand it. It's literally like being lost in a sea of emotions.
She should try to get a lot more rest if she can, start doing things that are fun, hobby etc. and maybe see her doctor about her menopause. I think excercise and good eating etc. and vitamins help alot. Maybe you can do some of those things together, to bring you closer. The key is to aleviate some stress from her. This literally is why they call it "change of life".
Menopause can make a woman feel just lost at times. Now is the time for you and your son to be supportive and understanding to her. I mean do you want to be right when you argue, or do you just want peace for everyone.
Her behavior seems irrational, though, has she done things like this in the past? Staying in the car rather than talking out the situation seems extreme, and driving off even more so. However, locking her computer is most definitely a controlling behavior, and as a wife who considers myself to be very reasonable and emotionally balanced for the most part, I would be extremely offended by this if my husband did that and would say so. In the past, when my husband has felt I spent too much time on the computer or even this site for that matter, he has mentioned locking down the computer, but I do not believe he would ever go to that extreme. It is usually not possible to force an apology with a controlling mechanism, and if you do receive one it will not be sincere and will simply be to gain access to her computer again. I feel you would like a sincere apology which means she will need to understand how you felt when she did that to determine for herself if an apology is warranted.
All of this was over advice on computer keys - a very small issue in the grand scheme of life when there are so many larger issues out there.
I do hope she comes around - it's great that you are willing to see the problems from both sides, but if she is not, and you want to stay, you may need to learn to communicate differently.
She has always been subject to temper tantrums and holding grudges but you're probably right that menopause is pushing her behavior to be more extreme.
She is resting more now. I find her napping a lot after she gets her work done. And she takes vitamin supplements.
I guess I can tough it out some more.
And I do the same thing too when it comes to leaving for a while. I wouldn't stress about that.
I didn't go through menopause because I had everything out with surgery, but I started out with homone replacement. After I had taken that for about 8 years I went to something more natural "Black Cohosh Root". I don't have the hot flashes, and it is also supposed to help with the mood swings.
I get mine at Walmart, but I am sure that if you look you could find it else where.
I wish you luck with this.