Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
i've accepted that i am currently obsessed with proving that my g/f (who i, regretfully, told to move out) is not trustworthy. being in a loving trusting relationship is so unfamiliar to me. i'm uncomfortable when things are going well. i'm addicted to feeling miserable. it's all i know. so while we did need a separation, i created so much destructive energy with the fury that i spoke with. at the time, i had begun going thru her privacy, emails... and then found the evidence i needed proving, in my mind, that i was justified to dump my fury on her. recently i was, at long last, able to separate the anger that belongs to my father vs. the anger that belongs to her. it has been a humbling disturbing experience. the size of my anger with my parents doesn't even fill the universe. the anger that belongs to her fits a small office. when i ended things i could not see this separation and truly believed she deserved the intensity of my rage. now i see just how much was imagined on my part. "seek and ye shall find." i sought evidence and i found it. and i interpreted what i found through my mistrustful, suspicious, wounded mind. i jumped at the chance to prove once again that another person was not worthy of my love or trust...
my therapist says that i feel that i don't deserve a loving relationship. that has been hard to connect to even tho' i know there is truth in it for me.
what i do see is that i was with a loving individual... sure, we had our problems, but on my part, my mistrust was never going to let us live in peace. i was with someone who was honorable, trustworthy (i still even resist admitting that! it's scary the hold this cr*p can have on you!), accountable, committed to her self-awareness, accountable... she spent three years reassuring me that i was important to her. and i could never really believe it. i know it is all about how i feel inside, about how i'm used to feeling, about how i'm familiar/comfortable being treated... so if you aren't an a**hole, i will do all i can to make sure i twist you into one, at least in my mind!
there's nothi' like self-sabotage to fulfill your worst nightmares!
i feel nauseous.
and add to all of this that all our friends had been hers originally and/or i have isolated so much that now, it's even harder to treat myself well when she is the ONLY person i have. we're still in contact. her stuff is still here 'til she finds a place in unaffordable los angeles. i want to be loving with her now. i hope for another chance someday. but i've pushed her so far. she even had tried contacting me on october 9th several times. after my revelation, i reread one of her texts. i sobbed. she had begged me to let her in. at the time i was still blinded by my fear, pain, anger. i responded to her with coldness. because i still felt so betrayed by her choice to maintain a friendship that i had felt threatened by. justifiably so, when i asked, she had admitted that there had been flirtation and sexual energy. sadly, i had already asked her several times to limit contact with friends she had had a one-nighter with, a long time ago. she had been accomodating. but in her hindsight, she had felt oppressed, having agreed in fear and her own issues... so resentment had built. and by the time it really mattered, she could not post-pone yet another frienship from starting. i had asked if she could just wait 'til we were in a stronger place (we had already been struggling, couples therapy, etc.).
now i understand that she had to tell me no, for her own sense of self. now i see that it had very little to do with the other woman and everything to do with my g/f working at being her authentic self.
i feel even more nauseous...
my therapist says that i feel that i don't deserve a loving relationship. that has been hard to connect to even tho' i know there is truth in it for me.
what i do see is that i was with a loving individual... sure, we had our problems, but on my part, my mistrust was never going to let us live in peace. i was with someone who was honorable, trustworthy (i still even resist admitting that! it's scary the hold this cr*p can have on you!), accountable, committed to her self-awareness, accountable... she spent three years reassuring me that i was important to her. and i could never really believe it. i know it is all about how i feel inside, about how i'm used to feeling, about how i'm familiar/comfortable being treated... so if you aren't an a**hole, i will do all i can to make sure i twist you into one, at least in my mind!
there's nothi' like self-sabotage to fulfill your worst nightmares!
i feel nauseous.
and add to all of this that all our friends had been hers originally and/or i have isolated so much that now, it's even harder to treat myself well when she is the ONLY person i have. we're still in contact. her stuff is still here 'til she finds a place in unaffordable los angeles. i want to be loving with her now. i hope for another chance someday. but i've pushed her so far. she even had tried contacting me on october 9th several times. after my revelation, i reread one of her texts. i sobbed. she had begged me to let her in. at the time i was still blinded by my fear, pain, anger. i responded to her with coldness. because i still felt so betrayed by her choice to maintain a friendship that i had felt threatened by. justifiably so, when i asked, she had admitted that there had been flirtation and sexual energy. sadly, i had already asked her several times to limit contact with friends she had had a one-nighter with, a long time ago. she had been accomodating. but in her hindsight, she had felt oppressed, having agreed in fear and her own issues... so resentment had built. and by the time it really mattered, she could not post-pone yet another frienship from starting. i had asked if she could just wait 'til we were in a stronger place (we had already been struggling, couples therapy, etc.).
now i understand that she had to tell me no, for her own sense of self. now i see that it had very little to do with the other woman and everything to do with my g/f working at being her authentic self.
i feel even more nauseous...
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
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I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
and at the same time, i'm still doing obsessive self-sabotaging rooted in fear behaviors.
my focus right now is 1. replacing the obsessive acts with acts that are life-giving. 2. healing my childhood rage. i will recall my experiences as they connect to today. i will heal and release and be released.
i want to learn how to be comfortable with peace, happiness, love, trust...
I WANT THAT SOOOO MUCH! AND IT TERRIFIES ME TO SEE HOW MUCH ILLUSION OF CONTROL I NEED TO LET GO OF TO GET THERE!
i coped by believing that i could control the unsafety of the outside world by being hypervigilant... watching everything for potential danger.
that worked great with my abusive alcoholic emotionally abusive rageful father. i HAD to be hypervigilant then to survive.
that doesn't work now. everyone is not my father.
i'm not in that kind of danger anymore. i'm not in that kind of danger anymore. i'm not in that kind of danger anymore.
i can take care of myself.
i can take care of myself.
i can take care of myself.
the grief that i'm facing is that i still want someone to give me what i never got. perfect love.
i know there's no such thing among humans. i know there are no perfect parents. but wow. a child needs a sense of safety; to know that their parents have their back; reason to trust their parents to be loving, kind.
i'm angry that i don't know how yet to let in anything else. i don't know how to see anything but danger. i've been programmed that way. i need a programmer to re-program me! help!
i cry now.
i was so scared all of the time for so many years....!!!!!!!! i am just now feeling the depth of that pain. i know that's a good thing.
and be careful what you ask for, you might actually get it... i asked decades ago, to be who i was meant to be, not who i was programmed to be... i knew it'd be hard. i just thought i'd already done the hardest work. i've been in therapy for forever.
when will this ever end?! i didn't ask to be this way. i don't want it. it's not me. but it is so thick. this wall i'd built is so dense. i can't figure out how to get to and LIVE as ME. i have moments of peace, trust, confidance... moments. i want to learn how to hold on to it; how to stay in it.
i'm so afraid of this pain. i know now why it has taken me this long to get to it. it's all the pain i had as a girl that was so intense i couldn't face it 'til now.
i grew up in hell!!! i actually thought he was the devil. and my poor brother and i are these very sensitive creatures. he, being the only boy, got treated much more severly than i. my father, and a machista at that, dumped ALL of his issues on my brother...
now my little brother is in a state mental health hospital. it's so sad. my little brother. i'm the oldest. i couldn't protect him and me.
i remember seeing my father beating him up with words, fists, and kicks. and my mother, too scared, too &*%!! to protect us. making excuses.
when i told her and my younger sis that i'd found alanon and that it could help us, they said, "things could be worse. you're the crazy one."
my sis learned how to survive by watching me. she learned well what to do and not to do. she kissed their ass to survive. i was the opposite, refusing to sell myself out.
i know that she has her own pain very different from mine. she was their favorite. i was ridiculed for not being like her. she suffered the plight of the witness; witnessing the abuse my brother and i experienced. she is much more well-adjusted that us. i know a lot has to do with brain chemical make-up, etc.
anyway, i want help too remembering making connections to feelings i have now with my childhood. so far i mostly have had a sense of familiarity with my feelings having originated in childhood. my therapist suggested that a lot of my abuse happened pre-verbal. i haven't yet recalled experiences. but i do clearly remember having felt fear, mistrust, rage, pain, etc way back then. i think i may need to work at the rage. i've done well stuffing it, denying it, intellectualizing it. that has made me a good depressive. ;) lotsa anger turned inward going on here.
and it will stop!
this being-mature thing is a lot of fun!