I'm 22. I just moved back home for a little while in between undergrad and grad school. I have a boyfriend that I've been with for nine months now. we went to school together and we've known each other for years. I was a virgin when we got together because i was molested as kid for about six years, beginning when i was in pre-school. I never told anyone. I was always terrified of doing anything with a guy because of it. my mom also raised me to think that anything sexual was a bad thing. she told me "dont be a slut," and, "don't let anybody touch you." she had me convinced that I wasn't supposed to even WANT a guy to touch to me or i wasn't supposed to like it. When i moved out to go to college, i went out with some guys. I was always very clear about what I was ok with and what I wasn't and they all acted like it wasn't a problem until they became frustrated and sometimes even stormed out because i didn't want to have sex with them after two weeks, or they would get mad at me for pushing them away when they tried to do something they knew i wasn't comfortable with. I told my boyfriend about what happened when i was a kid because he alreay knew something must have happened. he didn't understand why i was so hesitant, why my guard was always up, why i was so jumpy. so he made a guess and i told him he was right. even before he knew, anytime i said "no", "wait", "stop", he always did right away, no quetions asked, other than if i was ok. he waited five months for us to have sex. while i was at school, we were an hour apart so we didn't get to see each as much as we'd like so we started sexting a bit. like with anything else, i was very hesitant and self concious but gradually i became a little more comfortable with it. for the first time i actually felt like, "i'm allowed to." i actually felt comfortable with him. he always told me theres nothing to be afraid of, we're never going to do anything you dont want to. now that im home,we still don't see each other as much as we'd like because we both work two jobs on opposite shifts. two days ago, he was in an accident. when he got out of the hospital, he sent me pictures of his injuries. i made them full screen on my phone so i could just scroll through them. i scrolled one photo too far by accident and it was a picture that i had sent him when we were sexting. it wasn't very reavealing, it was 90% just my back. my mom had walked by behind me just as that picture came up just for a split second. I was so humiliated. she didn't say anything but she looked like she had a stroke. we just pretended it didn't happen for a few minutes and then i went to bed because i couldn't even look at her. i expected her to start screaming at me any minute. the next morning she didn't say anything about it. when i got out of work she didn't say anything. i was so relieved. i thought we were just going to pretend she didn't see anything. that night though, we were in the car driving home from my sister's house and she brought it up. i just kept saying no i didn't want to talk about it, etc. she starts yelling at me about how i have no class. she thought i would have thought more highly of myself. i deserve that hes going to show everybody (he doesn't. i trust him. he sends me pics and he puts his face in them.) I'm supposed to be an adult. im supposed to be a lady. i did this horrible thing. what i did was a disgrace. and that im a dissapointment. never has my mother ever told me that im a dissapointment. obviously she doesn't know im not a virgin either. I just thought that i had made a lot of progress. id made a lot of progress with this huge fear and trauma and idea that if i do anything with a guy, especially if i like it, that i should be ashamed. I felt like i was a little more normal. I felt like i was kind of catching up with where everyone else is at my age. Id thought i would never be able to do anything with a guy, but we were able to work through so much. now with this, im just so confused. I don't know what i'm supposed to think anymore. maybe i am doing something horrible. i just don't understand whats ok anymore. im humiliated. im guilty. im so confused. i just didn't think i was doing anything wrong, but maybe i am.
i found out recently that my father touched my cousin 30 years ago when she was only 5. My question is is it wrong of me to still want a relationship with my father after hearing he did that? what would you do? i know its the past, and i also dont condone what he may have done. it makes me so sick to my stomach. thank you
I'm finally leaving my abusive family and the ridiculous man who just won't leave me alone! Going where I belong. I have two job interviews and an appointment to see an apartment on the 28th and I couldn't be more excited! Yes I'm taking you guys with me lol!!