oh wow! I know exactly what you are talking about!!! You agree with your wife and love her and your child so thats where your loyalty should be. I know its your family but think about it....it doesn't sound like your family respects you a whole lot or else you -or your wife and child - wouldn't be in this terribly awkward situation. I had a similar situation with my husband's sister (which ironically we were friends and thats how I MET my husband) and then she started to show her ugly side when I started dating her darling brother. Made my life hell for years but my husband did not stick up for me initially and we ended up splitting. We eventually got back together and he realized that he needs to protect me from that. If HE didn't stick up for me then we were doomed. It took many many years but his sister is now civil to me and I guess thats all I can ask for. It keeps the peace with my husband and my kids get to know their extended family and cousins. She didn't have his heartstrings as close anymore and that drove her crazy. Of course I feel bad about it but I cared that my husband wanted to keep in contact with his family as well. my husband also never stopped associating with her - nor would I ask him not to. I need to understand that thats his family too but sometimes you do need to draw the line. If there is severe mistreatment then don't bother. if its just snippy and catty cokmments once or twice a year for you ALL to visit. Although not the most fun time but sometimes you do things that you don't want to for your spouse. You make a clear statement when you bring your wife and child with you that you are all together in this. It shows that your wife is mature and willing to try and get along for YOUR sake and your son isn't missing out on getting to know cousins. I don't think giving up is always the answer....although trust me - being in those shoes I would have loved it!! But we have to be stronger than that. There is always going to be some stupid people acting stupid and we need to learn how to react to it better. unless of course there is severe mistreatment and under no circumstance should you tolerate that. And stick up for your wife if any insulting comments are made to your wife. Stand up for your wife. ALWAYS. Its sad your family has to be that way. They are totally missing out!!! (Sorry for being so blunt). take care and hopefully this will help everyone. It helped us - (with a few screams into a pillow and lots of biting the tounge....its only a few times a year)

Well in my opinion you have the right to talk to whoever you want! The key is what you talk to them about. If they hurt you with certain topics, just steer away from talking to them about it. My mom at heart is a wonderful woman but I know better now not to go to her for advice or encouragement, even though she is capable of it i know in my heart she's full of crap. I have other people I can talk to. We have a history of dysfunction and she's hurt me a lot, but as long as I don't step over that dangerous line I'm fine. But I know I have the right to talk to, or NOT talk to anyone I want. It's not your problem that other people are trying to tell you what to do.

I agree with jlynne,at the end of the day they are your family and if you feel the need to be in contact strongly enough to do it even though its going to annoy your wife then you should do it and not be made to feel guilty over it.Just because your in touch with them doesnt mean your wife has to be.I dont think you were lying by not telling her,you were doing what you felt the need to do and you shouldnt feel bad about that,you love your wife and child but you love your other family too and you should be able to be in touch.

Oh my..this is very weird, reading this..I am in this EXACT situation.. except I am "the wife" in the story... we do not see or speak to any one in my husband's family, they have done so many things I could never list them here. We have two small children, as does his sister.. but none of us speak, we don't see his parents either, they all live within 10 miles! its really awful..anyway..my advice here is this, TALK to your wife about it and the fact that you wish to at least attempt to stay in touch with your family.. she doesn't have to see them or speak to them, explain to her that this "need" has nothing to do with her, it's not betraying her, you will always stick up for her and keep anyone away that tries to hurt her or your son.. no doubt.. but this is seperate.. I felt the same way as your wife for a long time..I would be so angry when he would come home and say he talked to his dad.. or that his sister called him and they "talked about nothing really"...it would hurt and I felt betrayed, but then I realized that they are always gonna be his family, that its not my problem! I let it go.. and let him deal with them if he choses, I chose not to. no matter what.. its all very sad, there are no winners, the children only get older and grow up not knowing any of their family, and by then.. no one will even be able to say why.

Hi JMorton,

We are what we think we are. And, then act out accordingly.

You're human. You have hurts and desires just like anyone else. If it hurts you that your family doesn't like your wife, you can tell them that in a loving way. How they react to it is their responsiblity.

Families are difficult and they hurt us/we hurt them...the most because we love them so much. But, if you just communicate well with them and your wife, you know that you've done all you can to help patch things up on YOUR side. The rest is up to them. You're not Superman. You don't have control over anyone's actions, but your own.

If your family can't accept your wife right now...they'll come around. Families that truly love one another always do.

((HUGS))

Wow again!!! You sound just like me and my husband. He comes from a dysfunctional family and he was having trouble separating the two, his siblings and mother and his other family (me and our kids).

The only difference with our situation is I thought he loved me so unconditionally, and I found out, that after not being able to cope with his dysfunctional family (rudeness etc.) I just started to alienate myself from them. Well, he thought he could just not see them and as he says "life goes on and we all die one day" so I'
ll see them again in another time. Just a quote. But, with time, he has alienated himself from us (me and my kids) and I have found he can't live without his siblings and mother. Not that I ever wanted him to. And now our marriage is all but finished (although there were other issues also, but that is from dysfunction of his other family). So you see, even though you love your wife and son, I would say that it is hard for some people to detach themselves from dysfunction.

So, you are probably struggling with that and the fact that you spent the first years of your life with these people, as my husband says.

When you marry, I feel you have an obligation to your new family to put them first. Just as his family and parents united with their children. Hopefully, you will not be like my husband and throw away a loving wife, because he feels it is family loyalty. He will not realize the consequences (my husband) until he sees that his other family cannot fill the needs that he has as an adult man. But then it will probably be too late for him.

So, look hard at this situation. Your wife and child are owed your total devotion or you shouldn't have married her.

Good luck.

I would be upset like your wife; but only because you didn't allow me in enough to tell me you were in contact with them. Maybe if you sit down with your wife - not easy - and let her know where your coming from - reassure her. Maybe then she'll feel a little better about it. My husband has the same kind of family - it sounds like - and so do I. It upsets me to see him put himself out for hem; but I can understand why he needs to, maybe your wife will too.

Hi I have just written somehting very similar to your stat of afairs to day in the (Ineed advice columWell being some -one who is in exactly the same position as your wife ,by that i mean my husband family do not like me (even though i have done nothing to them that i know of)You MUST tell your wife ther is nothing more hurtfull than finding out your husband has beenin contact with his family behind your back it,s a betrail and she may never trust you again If you are happy with your wife then so should your family be happy for you, couples come in TWO,S My advice is to ask your family to try and get along with your wife as life is too short if they refuse then it,s their loss you must always pu you wife and son first. maybe you should have disscused this with your wife fist and tell her how you felt about wanting to see your family it,s not about getting permission.