Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
My ex and I have two sons together....ages 8 and 10. We have been divorced since January 2001 and I remarried in 2004 and he is in a new relationship.
He has been a wonderful Daddy to his boys....he lives in the same town and we have maintained a friendship all these years for our sons' sake. He has the boys for visitation 2-3 days per week and is their Boy Scout leader, coaches their football and is completely involved in their lives and has always been.
Valentines day he informs me that he is moving 13 hours away because he and his girlfriend want a change. I FLIPPED OUT!!! All I could think is "how are my poor boys going to take this" What are they going to think, will they feel less important and abandoned by their father?"
My biggest fear his having to deal with all the questions and hurt and issues of abandonment that I know they will feel. They love my husband (their step-dad) and loves them, however, he is not their DADDY. They both absolutely love their Dad and he has been involved in every aspect of their lives for their whole lives and now it is going to be cut to 2-3 visits a year..
I am devastated....my boys don't know yet...I asked my ex to wait until the school year is up before telling them because I know this is going to throw them on an emotional loop. Both boys are in the Gifted and Talented Program and make straight A's and are well liked and well rounded kids, however, I feel this is because my ex and I have always made sure we were BOTH deeply involved in our boys' lives.
Now what??? What do I do? My ex is not considering the ramifications of his "choice" on his son's lives, their emotions, their hearts!! All he can think about right now is how "in love" he is and how exciting a move would be for his new girlfriend (she has 1 daughter that is 19). His girlfriend suggested moving so they could experience new things together...I think this is so selfish to do to my two sons!!!
What do I do??? My heart is breaking for my babies!! Help!
He has been a wonderful Daddy to his boys....he lives in the same town and we have maintained a friendship all these years for our sons' sake. He has the boys for visitation 2-3 days per week and is their Boy Scout leader, coaches their football and is completely involved in their lives and has always been.
Valentines day he informs me that he is moving 13 hours away because he and his girlfriend want a change. I FLIPPED OUT!!! All I could think is "how are my poor boys going to take this" What are they going to think, will they feel less important and abandoned by their father?"
My biggest fear his having to deal with all the questions and hurt and issues of abandonment that I know they will feel. They love my husband (their step-dad) and loves them, however, he is not their DADDY. They both absolutely love their Dad and he has been involved in every aspect of their lives for their whole lives and now it is going to be cut to 2-3 visits a year..
I am devastated....my boys don't know yet...I asked my ex to wait until the school year is up before telling them because I know this is going to throw them on an emotional loop. Both boys are in the Gifted and Talented Program and make straight A's and are well liked and well rounded kids, however, I feel this is because my ex and I have always made sure we were BOTH deeply involved in our boys' lives.
Now what??? What do I do? My ex is not considering the ramifications of his "choice" on his son's lives, their emotions, their hearts!! All he can think about right now is how "in love" he is and how exciting a move would be for his new girlfriend (she has 1 daughter that is 19). His girlfriend suggested moving so they could experience new things together...I think this is so selfish to do to my two sons!!!
What do I do??? My heart is breaking for my babies!! Help!
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It isn't just rude, insensitive and inconsiderate of him...... it is all that and more of her as well....... She's a mom, she should be far more aware of the ramifications of a move like this than to even be selfish enough to suggest it.
Unfortunately, people are selfish. They do really crappy things and then say "duh........ I didn't know...... " as if that makes it all ok.
Get the ex and your boys a cell phone so anyone can call anyone else whenever they need to......... ok, not during classes. *smile* Make sure they have their own number and that the ex knows this is to help keep the boys from feeling like he is just CUTTING THEM OUT OF HIS LIFE!!!!
He made a lifetime commitment to both of them when they were born whether he acknowledges it or not. Let him field their questions........ it's his decision. All you can do is give them the means to keep in touch with their dad and prove to them that they will always have you, no matter what, by being there every day.
As to the ex........... Well, he needs a good thump on the skull! It is a blessing and a gift he is needlessly discarding and although they will suffer now, it may be that he will suffer even more later on.
I told him I could understand if he hadn't been so involved in their lives and they weren't that close, however, he has played such a huge part in their lives since they were babies. I mean we do their birthday parties together, attend school functions together, support them in every way....we are just not married and in love anymore, so it's as good as it can get for a divorced family (I think).....now he is taking himself away at such an impressionable time in their little lives. I can be a Mommy till the cows come home but I can't be their Daddy....they need him and hopefully one day he see that he really needs them too.
I just heart sick and venting! Thanks for listening and any advice is greatly needed and appreciated.
Hopefully once he is away he will miss them just as much and realize what a huge mistake.
Your story rigns so close to home. That is my greatest fear. I don't want my children to not have their dad involved on every aspect of their lives. I so wish for a magic fix!!! Good luck, hopefully he will come to his senses.
I sat him down in a very non-confrontational way the day after he told me and it became very confrontational on his part. He immediately became defensive and stated that I was trying to sabotage his new relationship and that I couldn't control what he does. I told him that I was not trying to control him....just trying to get him to think EVERYTHING through before jumping into a huge move without eyes wide open. I told him that this was not about him or I....it's about the boys.
I can't seem to get him to understand that when you are a parent, you can't just think about what you want and what feels good for you....you have an ULTIMATE OGLIGATION to consider how everything you do in life will affect your children. He says that he has thought about it and he has to do what he has to do and the boys will "just have to understand"!! ARGGGHHH!!!
Where did his devotion to these boys go? It's like one day it was here and now it's gone...I even asked him that if he was just had to move, please consider not moving so far so he could at least see the boys once a month and that way they wouldn't have to go 6-8 months every year without seeing him. They need him, as they always have, and he's not thinking about their needs. I even told him if he wouldn't move so far I would make all the transportation arrangements and foot the bill just so they could see him monthly. He simply said "I will have to talk to my girlfriend about it...it's her decision too!".
He's only been in this relationship for 4 months....he's 40 years old and I just don't think he is being reasonable.
Am I wrong?
Are there grandparents or another neutral party that could talk to him? He probable feels that you have "redone" your life and he deserves "his life" too. I am sorry for your kids, but be strong you'll have to be mom and dad until he comes to his senses. Good luck!