First that me state that I do not think I am wrong. My brother has been in prison for the past 11 years and he has at least 4 more ahead of him. He is in prison becuase he almost killed me, which if his plan had gone through would had lead him to killing my sister and my parents. When I was younger around 12 or 13 I wrote him a couple letters, but it was becuase I was confused about what had happened, and everyone made it seem like it wasn't a big deal so I thought hey it would be nice to have a relationship with my brother. Well that didn't last long. I just got invlovedin my own life and what not. Well as I got a older around 16 and 17, I would spend my summers in Ohio with my sister and we would talk about him and I learned alot which lead me to hate him. For a long time my mom believed that I only hated him because my big sister hated him. But it wasn't that. Me and my sister decided to go visit when I was 17. I was so scared. I didn't say anything to him when I was there. I just sat there looking at him and thinking "wow thats my brother". My sister did most of the talking. They are only 2 years apart and had alot of the same friends so they talked mostly about what they were up to. My brother is 7 years older then me and the past time I saw him I was 9 with a sock around my neck being strangled. Plus he raped me for years. Well my sister went to get a drink and my brother said he was sorry, and all I could say was okay. All I wanted to do was yell at him and ask him for he could put his hands on me sexually and physically. But I just sat there. I still think about writing him and letting him know excatly how I feel and how it has effected him. But I know that more then once he was tried to kill himself in there, so I think well maybe that would hurt him and then he would hurt himself and it would be my fault and trust me as much as I want him to die, I don't want it to be my fault or my letter that set it off. So know to get to the point of if I'm wrong. I guess now they have a magizine that you can order things out of and they get sent straight to the inmates. Well my mom asked if I could find it online and get one sent to her, cause she doesn't know how to use the computer. Well I was nice and I did, well I guess she never got it. And about a week ago she asked if I would try again, and I just couldn't be nice anymore and I told her no and that it hurt me to know that she wants to send him stuff. We got in a little conversation about it. And she said that she is sorry but she wants to have some kind of relationship with her son, and on some level I get that, I really do, but my dad wants a relationship with him, and my family up north all visit him and on the holidays he will call and they all pass the phone around and tell him they love him and wishes he was with him. It's like they all forgot why he is in there. I resent them all of it. There is part of me that hates them all, becuase it makes me feel like they don't care the I was almost killed. I mean if I had actaully died, would they hate him then, or be the same way. It just really hurts. I have to go through everyday with the memory of it, which is very clear, and all these other vivid memories of my sexually abusing me. So am I wrong for hating him and resenting my family for having a relationship with him?
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