Hi, I´m new here and this is my first post, ive been looking to do this for a couple of years now but never got around to (silly i know), partly because its a bit of a long story. But i´m desperate for advice, i feel like i´m stuck in such a black hole and im so confused i dont know what to think of myself anymore. Anyways, here goes... (apologies if i´m rambling)…. it´s complicated (excuse the 1000 typos too, this is all written on my phone)
i´m 23 and an only child, my mother was told she couldnt have children due to having 2 kidney transplants (she´s always been ill since she was very young) and then i came along. My mother and i were always close, i´ve always felt incredibly protective over her because shes always been ill however my father and i have never really got on, he´s a drinker and smokes marijuana day in and out and is generally a bit of a bum with a violent temper, but has always been spoilt rotten and had alot of money handed down to him from his mother so never had to work a day in his life. i think he resented me when i was born for disrupting his playboy routine (for example, my bedtime was 8pm until i was 16, so he could smoke in the house, when i was 16 i found out he smoked marijuana which then gave him a free pass in his eyes to smoke it all day everyday when i was around) from when i was 10 days old my grandmother looked after me during weekends and holidays, we shared birthdays, were the only ones in the family to have blue eyes, she was my everything, she basically brought me up and gave me the best childhood you could ever imagine X1000
When i had just turned 11 she died of cancer very suddenly, it hit me like a ton of bricks, my life completely changed, i was passed around family members for a few months while my dad felt sorry for himself and drank and partied his sorrows away, even though he treated his mum like dirt even when she was dying. (he even had a solicitor brought in the night before she died to sign the whole will over to him when most things had been left to me as he´d already had more than his fair share)
From there the drinking and abuse increased, he was angry just that i was around so often, he used to cut all the sockets off my things in my room, remove the lightbulbs from my ceiling and cut the wires to my heater in winter, honestly the list goes on and on.
a year after my grandmother died, my mum was told she needed another trasplant, after having a live doner from her father the operation was successful, during this time my father would refuse to take me to visit my mum in hospital, once he even told me that he wouldnt take me because she didnt want to see me. It was a very confusing and lonely time for me.
A year later my parents decided to move to Spain, the drinking smoking and vicious outbursts increased and almost everyday my father would come home from the pub and put loud music on, slamming doors, smashing things up, pouring tea down the stairs purposely so my mum would have to clean it up. As I got older the abuse continued, only ever emotionally, financially and verbally to my mother but also physical towards me, I would often try to protect or stick up for my mother and that's when he'd turn nasty with me. I remember feeling so confused and frustrated that this was happening, why dosent she stick up for me like i do her, why when he turns on me does she leave the room...is it the same in my friends houses, is this normal? My mum would reasure me it was normal, that all families fight and to not make a big deal out of it. But this was happening everyday, this wasnt normal and i knew it, i spent more and more of the time in the bathroom as it was the only place i felt safe because there was a lock on the door, if i were in my room my heart would sink if i heard flotsteps coming down the stairs, hoping my bedroom door wouldnt open, living with constant paranoia and tip toeing around so i wasnt heard... i hoped if i was quiet enough maybe they'd forget i was here.
One afternoon i waited for them to finish drinking in a pub, hours went by as my father continued to drink, when we eventually got home around 8 i went to put a ready meal in the oven as i hadnt eaten all day and all hell broke loose, he was angry that i wasnt in bed, that i thoight it was ok to be making food "at this time of night" my mother said "maybe you should just go to bed" the next thing i know hes pinned me up against the wall and im desperatly trying to fight back but hes much stronger than me, he pushes me out of the door, i go to put my hand out to stop the door closing and he slams it, i feel a faint pain and i look down at my finger and blood starts pouring out i look up at my mother whos waiting in the corridor and its all a bit of a blur. I needed 10 stitches to save my finger which was cut to the bone and hanging off, 8 years later and its still the same,.. we had photos from when i had the stitches but he deleted them.
Nothing changed and the situation in the house got worse and worse until one day when he decided to throw me out (along with throwing the contents of my room into the pool). My best friends father insisted i go to live with them, and that year was like a breath of fresh air and i didnt realise how different things were until my friends father sat me down and asked me one day why im never around "why do you hide up in that room all day and tiptoe around, i want to see you and know your here, i want you to come and talk to me and watch tv, i was so confused. Him and his daughter had the most incredible relationship, he'd do anything just to make her smile... he was my rock at tgis time, as was she, someone finally understood me and actually agreed that what was happening at home wasnt right. After a year or so, when i turned 17 i felt like my time had come to try and stand on my own 2 feet so i moved out and got my own place. And thats when my parenys split up for the first time, it was serious, my mum moved bavk to england and she had divorce papers ready... finally i thought she had seen sense...within a couple of months she was back and they were together and stronger than ever. Over the next couple of years i didnt have much contact with either of them, except for when they would split up.
One day my mother informed me that they were running out of money and had to sell the house (my father refused to work and spent up to this point living off the money he had inherited) but he was spending like it was going out of fashion and had several cars and boats amoung all the latest tech and gadgets. He'd bought another much smaller house, except he had no intentions of my mother moving in and he told her this 3 days before along with the fact that he hadnt put her name on the house and therefore she was entitled to nothing. I desperatly tried to help her find somewhere to move into and luckily found a studio, it wasnt ideal and was an old run down building but we had no choice... i moved in with her, over the next couple of years we grew extemely close and i felt so relieved that he was out of our lives and was so desperate for her to mert someone else and start a new life as she had her health problems and i wanted to know there would be someone to look after her and be there for her if she would be ill again. Then I met my fiance and i hoped even more she would find someone. Then one day we went to the hospital for a routine appointment and the doctors were fussing "we have a bed for you, your being admitted" we couldnt understand what was going on, they did tests and announced it was TB, she was put in quarantine and i was told to go home... WTF was going on?! The next day my fiance and i came to find out what was happening and we find my mother outside crying... its lung cancer she said, it was stage 4 and had spread to the neck. She said we'll get through this together,... My fiance and i decided to put plans on hold to go to england for him to start training for a new profession to take care of her, and we began to search for a house to move into but there was something we couldnt help with and that was money, she couldnt go back to work and my father had left her with nothing. She refused to have anything to do with him, so she asked my other half to call him, she was adament that she wanted financial support and nothing more, he agreed... then he was back in our lives. He started coming to appointments, encouraging her to go out drinking on a daily basis and then something ill never forget...we all went to her appointment at the hospital to find out her treatment and the doctor, my parents never learned spanish and after 10 years of being here i was the only one who had learnt therefore i always had to translate, this memory i know i will always have and i dont think she'll ever understand how much it affected me. I had to sit there and explain to her and my father that it was serious and that she needed chemo right now, she asked me to ask him how long she'd last without it... 3 weeks he said. Telling my mother she had weeks to live was one of the worst moments of my life.
My father decided right there and then that she wasnt having it, we ended up at a bar (as always) and when she went to the bathroom he told me "you need to get it into your head that your mother IS GOING TO DIE" he kept saying it and then "look what happend to your grandma" i had to go i couldnt deal with this i felt like i was about to have a breakdown. I remember calling my fiance histerical, having a panic attack sat on a bench in the middle of town and i didnt care who saw me. I eventually knew i had to go back to them,... when we got up to leave he took me to the side and said "you need to go home tonight and pursuade her to refuse treatment, shes going to die, it better if i just book a flight to the carribean and just go on one big final party!" i walked away from him, he never failed to amaze me of what a disgusting human being he was.
Things became incredibly tense, my mother would go out to drink with him at lunch time and i would be at home (at her house) waiting for her to come home, i often waited days. She would come home and be angry with me for anything and everything. I put it down to her being happier when she was with him but she started comparing us, everything he did was amaxing and i was useless, she resented that i couldnt drive and that i didnt agree with her drinking everyday,... even the first time we went to chemo my father asked the nurse if they could go and get pissed after, she looked at him in horror and said no, and he asked her why not! How can anyone be much more of an arsehole?
I found myself in a constant battle with my father, I would go shopping for her and fill the cupboards till they burst of good nutritious foods reccomended for those on chemo, I would come home and my father will have thrown it in the bin and taken her out drinking, he encouraged her to smoke more and we were at loggerheads... my mother started to see me as a nuisance it was obvious she just wanted to ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after instead of facing up to what was happening, we began to argue a lot, she never wanted to see me or spend time with me, she was nasty for no reason, skating me constantly for not being able to drive and comparing me to my father saying i can't provide for her like he does and it's better that she's with him all the time as he knows her better. I was so hurt, she was suddenly like a totally different person, I was so confused, why was she pushing me away like This... surely if you think you might be dying that you'd want to hold your only child close, but no, she suddenly couldn't stand me. I broke down, I started having suicidal thoughts most days, we lived on an island with coastline everywhere, I used to fantasize about going for a walk and just falling off a cliff, that would make this all go away, I wouldn't feel useless and anger and guilt and constant confusion questioning wether I was normal everyday... I really was beginning to lose my mind and I knew I had to do something about it either way, so I went to a doctor, i was prescribed anti depressants which I was soon taking a triple dose just so I could get out of bed in the mornings, my partner and I realised we weren't doing any good being here and after overhearing a conversation between my mother and fiance where my mother expressed how much she resented me. "But she's your daughter" my other half said "yes but he's my husband" "but she's your daughter!!!" "And he's my HUSBAND!!" he wasn't going to get anywhere... so we moved to England. They then told everyone that I was selfish, didn't care about my mother, wanted to go off and do our own thing... and everyone believed it, I had their friends messaging me saying "your dad was calling you a c*nt to everyone in the bar last night". Then one day around Christmas I received a notification that me and my partner been tagged in a post on facebook, I checked and there was no tag, but the post was a 'thank you' status, thanking and naming all of her friends and family for the support, except our names wernt there, when I confronted her she prentended she didn't know why I had a notification, she was lying, she admitted our names were there originally and my father made her remove them... She reassured that she would do another one for just family, that was a lie. On Christmas for the first time in my life I didn't receive a phone call or even a text or message on Facebook, 2 days later I received a merry Christmas message, I couldn't believe it, I was heartbroken and angry, my depression had become so intense that I remember feeling so psychotic that I was sure something was seriously wrong and it wasn't just depression. I visited a doctor at the new surgery where I lived and I left shaking from the experience... a month later the clinic was closed down by the authorities... I've not had the courage to see a doctor since.
5 month later my mum miraculously had the all clear, doctors couldn't believe it. I lived the next year of my life happier than I'd been since my grandmother died more than 10 years before. I felt like depression had gone, I'd got a great job and everything was perfect so we decided to make plans to buy a dog and move back to Spain, for good this time.
My birthday came around and although me and my mother weren't that close she surprised me by visiting us in England. I noticed if ever my father was brought up she couldn't praise him enough and even said she thought I needed to make the effort to 'make it up to him' for everything he'd done for her... he did nothing for her, she was just his drinking buddy as he had no friends, did she not understand This? I couldn't believe she was trying to suggest that it was I who needed to make amends with him. I felt a distance from her that I didn't know if I could fix, I felt cautious of her, she was a completely different person to the woman who was my best friend.
A couple of weeks after she left to go back to Spain I received a message from a family friend telling me that my father had gone to thailand, it took me a long time to get my mother to tell me what was going on. She said he'd had enough said 'it's my time now' and booked a flight. She asked to go with him and he said no. He'd booked a return flight in a month, he didn't come back.
A few weeks later we made the 3 day drive over to Spain we were initially only staying with her (in my fathers house) for 2 days but then our apartment fell through and were still here 7 months later. I can't remember if we found out the cancer had come back first or that we had found out that he'd been with a prostitute the whole time. He'd left his phone synched to my mother's spare phone and we could see every message, photo, email, Google and YouTube searches and some of what we saw was horrific, like unimaginable.
As soon as we found out the cancer was back, I started to feel myself crumble I was so frightened of feeling the way I did before, losing myself completely. It's strange because things felt different this time, I was angry at my mother for the situation i felt like She'd put herself into. She suddenly became very dependant on us, almost expecting me to do everything. I was working 6 days a week and although she was physically very well she expected every thing from myself and my partner, messaging me everyday without fail on my work phone asking for favours, never 'hi how's your day going, can I ask you a favour' more like 'bring me some milk and tobacco and cat food back on your way home' ..then we started to argue about money we'd have to pay for everything and there was never a thank you. Or attempt to pay us back which started to cause tention with my other half but the problem with my mother is that she's incredibly ungreatful, like my father she was handed everything on a plate, never had to pay rent or bills in her life, so she just expected everything from us like she had my father, when I confronted her about the money her attitude was "well you go to work everyday"
Every night when I would cook She'd spend the whole meal making little digs about it. She would make nasty comments about everything from the favours we did her to my fiancees family. Then like clockwork every night it would get to the time where I'm sat watching tv and she'll just sit and talk constantly about her illness, everything so depressing and morbid I can't explain it but it just makes me cringe and I sit there just thinking "please stop talking" and this is every night without fail.
I feel like she's guilt tripping me for trying to move out, she has no understanding of my life or the fact that my whole life has revolved around her and my father, she dosent appreciate that we want to move into our own place and make a home like we planned to half a year ago, we haven't even been able to unpack our things, its causing a great deal of stress between myself and my partner and i feel like she dosent care as long as she has what she needs, I´m constantly stuck between feeling angry at her, to then feel guilty at myself BECAUSE i feel angry at her, then i´m angry because she´s made me feel guilty.
I´m feeling very confused and need serious advice, i dont know how i should feel anymore and whats right and whats wrong, do i carry on, trying to do the best for my mother, while feeling taken advantage of while my feelings of depression increase, and my relationship suffers. Or do i do something, but what can i do? That constant thought of í´ll never forgive myself if anything happens haunts me all day everyday and influences everything i do.
Her chemo session was yesterday, i feel like everytime i go it breaks me more and more, as i walked into the doctors office i almost felt a panic attack creeping up, pins and needles in my hands, heart racing out of breath. I feel such an enormous amount of pressure, she almost just expects me to do everything while were there, she wont listen, try to remember anything or make any notes, when the doctor asks me to ask her why she hasnt taken certain medication they gave her she just makes excuses, i spend most days worrying wether shes eating, taking her medication and following the instructions of the doctors, she believes she ´knows her body better´so decides if and when to take cartain medication causing animosity when the doctors are annoyed at me for her not doing what shes supposed to. She is refusing responsibility for everything and i feel like ive to take it all on, and shes more than happy for me to do that for her and she shows it everyday by expecting me to do everything but then criticising it or patronising me.
For a while now i´ve felt depression creep up on me again, ive tried everything to keep it at bay, but yesterday chemo was partically difficult as there was an incident with a trainee nurse inserting the needle wrong, my mum cried continuously, there was blood everywhere and just really awful. By the end of the day i was broken, struggling to hold back tears and hold it together, i started getting those ´theres one thing that Will make this all go away´ thoughts and i knew i was losing it again, i´m absolutly exaughsted today,.. and ive woke up knowing that something needs to change.
I´m sorry this post has turned out to be an essay, its actually been an escape for me and i have spent the past 2 weeks writing this post, from when im in the car, sat at chemo or in work and i´m feeling lost, i´m asking for help as there is noone else to ask, i need you to tell me what is right and wrong, am i being selfish? What do i do? Because i just dont know any more.