
Family & Friends of Bipolar Support Group
This community is dedicated to parents, siblings, grandparents, other relatives and friends of someone who is Bipolar. The purpose of this community is to help families and friends develop greater patience and understanding, as well as maintain a positive, caring relationships with those diagnosed as Bipolar.

deleted_user
Hi all!
I'm such a mess today! :( I apologize in advance if this comes out strangely, I'm still sorting things in my head.
Last month my brother (25 years old) was diagnosed with Severe Cyclothymia and possibly Bipolar Disorder. We've always known my brother was very sensitive and had things going on in his head that we couldn't fathom but this diagnosis blew us out of the water. Reading these other mssgs posted here literally made me cry with relief that he's not gotten so bad.
I JUST escaped from a two year abusive friendship with another bipolar person so I'm really afraid of the situation and how to handle my brother.
I seriously could ramble all day but I do have some very dire questions. I would love some advice!
My brother consistently calls me when he's in a mixed or depressed state. I certainly don't mind and want to be there for him but I can never seem to respond quite the way he wants me to. Today he was depressed and called to tell me that he had:
1) driven at life threatening speeds in his car, spun out over and over for the thrill of it and then drove the car into a ditch, ruining the power steering.
2) Taken out tons of cash and spent it all making it impossible to pay for his doctor's appointment.
I was stunned but frustrated to hear this. I've begged him not to drive recklessly and endanger himself or others. I've also begged him to try harder with his money since neither I nor our mom & dad can help him if he needs cash.
My response was, "Thats too bad. I'm sorry to hear that. Well next time keep in mind that you need money for your doctor visits. Mom and I really can't help you this month. I'm sorry you're not feeling well today....(etc, etc)" I tried VERY hard to be soothing but not say it "wasn't his fault". He got furious with my response and in a cruel & aloof way told me not to call or write him for two weeks.
Now....one thing I am so worried about is that he is using his sickness as an excuse. He consistently says "OH I can't control myself, it's NOT my fault! You don't understand!"
He is totally brilliant. Like.....stunningly so. He's read everything he can about being bipolar...but one moment he'll say 'I'm bipolar I can't help it!' and the next 'I've been bipolar my whole life I can deal with it.'
UGH, I have no idea what to do. I don't know when he's REALLY ill or just making excuses....can anyone help? I'm scared he's manipulating the doctor into thinking we're a bad family, too.... :( Any advice would be appreciated! Or even just supportive words. Thank you in advance!
-Meg
I'm such a mess today! :( I apologize in advance if this comes out strangely, I'm still sorting things in my head.
Last month my brother (25 years old) was diagnosed with Severe Cyclothymia and possibly Bipolar Disorder. We've always known my brother was very sensitive and had things going on in his head that we couldn't fathom but this diagnosis blew us out of the water. Reading these other mssgs posted here literally made me cry with relief that he's not gotten so bad.
I JUST escaped from a two year abusive friendship with another bipolar person so I'm really afraid of the situation and how to handle my brother.
I seriously could ramble all day but I do have some very dire questions. I would love some advice!
My brother consistently calls me when he's in a mixed or depressed state. I certainly don't mind and want to be there for him but I can never seem to respond quite the way he wants me to. Today he was depressed and called to tell me that he had:
1) driven at life threatening speeds in his car, spun out over and over for the thrill of it and then drove the car into a ditch, ruining the power steering.
2) Taken out tons of cash and spent it all making it impossible to pay for his doctor's appointment.
I was stunned but frustrated to hear this. I've begged him not to drive recklessly and endanger himself or others. I've also begged him to try harder with his money since neither I nor our mom & dad can help him if he needs cash.
My response was, "Thats too bad. I'm sorry to hear that. Well next time keep in mind that you need money for your doctor visits. Mom and I really can't help you this month. I'm sorry you're not feeling well today....(etc, etc)" I tried VERY hard to be soothing but not say it "wasn't his fault". He got furious with my response and in a cruel & aloof way told me not to call or write him for two weeks.
Now....one thing I am so worried about is that he is using his sickness as an excuse. He consistently says "OH I can't control myself, it's NOT my fault! You don't understand!"
He is totally brilliant. Like.....stunningly so. He's read everything he can about being bipolar...but one moment he'll say 'I'm bipolar I can't help it!' and the next 'I've been bipolar my whole life I can deal with it.'
UGH, I have no idea what to do. I don't know when he's REALLY ill or just making excuses....can anyone help? I'm scared he's manipulating the doctor into thinking we're a bad family, too.... :( Any advice would be appreciated! Or even just supportive words. Thank you in advance!
-Meg
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I have found at times there is never the right thing to say.. No matter what you say, how you word it, it will never be the right thing to say.
It never matters what my X says and what I say back. I am NEVER RIGHT, I NEVER UNDERSTAND, I AM NOT SUPPORTIVE ENOUGH!
We was together almost 9 years. (just a few months short)
There is times with my X after he's said or done thing in a bp mannor. He will either tell me, he did it cos's he BP or that him being BP has nothing to do with it.
I've read a ton of books, dug around the web for info. I have spent countless hours researching BP. Nothing really ever tells us what is the right thing to say or do. Due to there is never the right thing to say.
At lot of times he'll turn my words aorund and take them the wrong way. It's crazy..
The reason why I am still there and supportive (friends) with my X. Is due to we have a chid together, and that well he has no family left living, or that he get a long with. He's burned so many bridges with so many people.
He's got me in debt up to my hair line. I have to go to court next month from where he over drafted out bank account. He always lied to me about how much money was in the account. Hide all the bank statments.
Good Luck
Love
Poet
It sounds like you really have had such a difficult time. Him too! I can't imagine being trapped inside my own body suffering with an illness that makes me think doing things like that is right.
He is so lucky to have you. I hope that there are times he tells you that he appreciates it.
It's funny but I went out to get some chocolate milk (comfort food) after I read your post and the sun was setting amazingly. It was like a bit of release just seeing it (much like your post).
Thanks again, I'll just keep telling my brother that I love him and let him know I'm here for him.
I hope things get easier with your ex.
Been there. When my wife was first diagnosed then I believe that a lot of the physical assaults that I received from her was intentional and she hid behind her diagnosis. However, she quickly became determined that she didn't have bp disorder and everything was my fault.
Don't worry, my wife has convinced her psychologist that she was seeing on the side that DCFS was paying for that I was a complete psycho and that she was the only one trying in the marriage. That bird brain believed her and even called our marriage counselor asking questions about me. Thankfully the marriage counselor filled him in. She now does the same crap with her psychiatrist where she purposely made herself look wonderful and me as a psycho. She said that she did this so if I ever decide to try and call her doctor which I used to do then her doctor wouldn't care to listen to me because she will think that I am some control freak husband only looking to control her.
My wife didn't have the other problems that your brother is experiencing. I wouldn't know how to help you there. I would recommend documenting the things he does and when. I found that this helped her psychiatrist initially in the beginning.
My wife is the type that can be loving one moment and then in a complete rage the next. As hurtpoet said elsewhere about the eyes turn dark. That is something that still freaks me out is when this demon enters her then the eyes go dark and they look very wild (I say demon because you literally say the face change and it is freaky). She also suffers extreme paranoia too. She has improved much since the birth of my son but getting close to her seems impossible as she can turn on me in a second.
You have one thing going for you and that is your brother recognizes that he has a problem and a diagnosis. My wife sees nothing wrong with her and thinks the whole world should be medicated and not her. It is very hard to treat someone that only lies to the doctor and refuses to believe that there is anything wrong with them. That is my situation and a little of yours. Get involved early with his doctor and do allow your brother to be able to just rip you guys apart week after week like I allowed my wife to do.
I wish that I could have been a better help to you. The only thing that I can relate with you on this is the stress it causes. Make sure that you make time for yourself or this will make you go bonkers as well. I still suffer migraines from the stress.
I am glad my post back was helpfull.
Denial, Grief, Anger and HOPEFULLY Acceptance. I hate being angry at him. Whats worse, I have a wicked temper (not physical though) and I have a streak of pride that makes it SO difficult just to let go.
I hope one day I can accept him and his illness as ONE package and be able to be there for him.
Cody, I don't know HOW you can possibly cope with her like this. It gave me such chills to read it. Thankfully I think my brother's doctor is smart enough to catch onto his ploys. I don't think my brother MEANS to talk bad but his opinions seem to get skewed by his bipolar rationale.
His doctor, as fabulous as he his, will not speak to us because my brother requested he not take any correspondence from us. My mother is trying to get my brother to take a letter to the doctor so we'll see how that goes.
BUT I'm the one who talked him into going to this specific doctor so I think the doc knows we love and care about my brother.
Cody, Poet, thank you so much. It is such a relief to not feel as alone.
"manipilating the doctor"
i feel that is what happend when my DXBP mother and i saught counciling together once. we had a lot of solo sessions as well... she was a very kind older lady, i luved her and she bought me presents =] but not the best doctor for understanding BP
i'm pretty scared that is what i do...always have been. though... i never recognized it as such. heh...i always knew that i never wanted to turn into her...but you know what they say.... bout turning into your mother kinda thing. i just hope that b/c i didn't spend all my time growing up with her that i have a chance =[
my ex was a major porn addict....and i never wanted to think it was a big problem...cuz to my mum everyone ELSE is crazy. but now is this me trying to just negate what i've already said????
=[ i'm SO CONFUSED and i don't trust myself worth a shit.
hurtpoet and cody know the demon!!!
shit....that is SCARY
turns on a dime!
over the summer i picked up on one thing....when she starts getting upset about the house being filthy....and going nuts cleaning it....she's about to snap
she hates cleaning with a passion...so i always did it,....and thats when she was violent...i don't know why
i still prefer to be alone when cleaning... [she would come up behind me while i was vaccuming and get very violent and tell me i am doing it ALL wrong]
My X even stated that I should have gone into a ward and not HIM..
~~ once i seen the demon i was scared to bring it back out!!! ~~
It can be a total nightmare when the person you love becomes this nasty, selfish monster who doesn't seem to care about the hurt they're inflicting. My bf tells me that looking back on it he was pushing me away but on the inside begging me to stay. It's just as confusing for them as it is for us.
Get to know how the mental health system works where you live & how you can be involved in what's going on with your brother.See if there's a bp support group in your area, if not, find out how you can go about setting one up.
I wish I had some sage advice where you would read it & say "Aha! That's how to solve this!" I guess all you can do is keep loving him & being there for him. It's sad that families aren't included in treatment as much as they should be, over here in New Zealand they've been working hard for a few years to change that.
As for the reckless driving - don't get me started. The further up the hypomanic scale I ratchet myself, the wilder my driving. Call it an outlet for excess energy or anger. Sometimes the world just feels like it's travelling too slowly, just because I'm on overdrive. However, my other half is sensible enough to confiscate the keys if I'm likely to be a danger to myself or other road users.
I'll ask my mom to watch my brother's behavior and take his keys if he's in a state...I just don't want him hurting himself or anyone else.
This disorder is SO paralyzing! I really had no idea. :( My brother keeps saying he'll be okay and that the doctor promised to make him better so he wouldn't have to take medication...call me crazy but I don't see that happening. :(
Thank you all again!
Isn't that the truth?? I really thought my wife was blind because she would say and call me things that clearly was the issues she was having.
I guess that she is also projecting onto others what she actually thinks about herself too. She seems convinced that others are saying such horrible things about her. She has accused so many people of things that they never have said and yet she was convinced of it and would tell others that this person or persons actually did say this horrible thing about her. She sometimes will be so convinced that you are either thinking or have said something that she will go on and on ripping you apart even though you keep standing there yelling, "I NEVER SAID THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
HyperKitty, thank you! You have brought a lot of help to our community.