Hi Jndoe,

Sorry for the struggles you are having. I think we all have nasty habits here. Does brown stains in underwear count as a nasty habit? Chewing with your mouth open? Drooling at night? Excessive flatulence? Going to the bathroom and not turning on the fan? Leaving hair in the tub (curly kind)? Using your partners toothbrush to clean the rim of the toilet? I wasn't thinking of me in any of those things of course.

Can I recommend exercising instead of cutting or drilling your nails deep inside yourself? My wife drives me nuts sometimes but a good workout also suffices with me. I will spend 45 minutes downstairs using weights and I often finish with the lifecycle. Let stress be a motivator in that way you do something productive instead. You are seeking to release this stress out on yourself and that will never solve anything.

How do you tell your mom that she needs help? Maybe a serious heart to heart with her would help. Only you know your mom the best here. What might work for one person will not necessarily work for another. We all can give you various opinions but only you will know best. I know my wife but I also know that nothing I say will penetrate her head. Figure out to yourself, what talks have you had in the past with your mom that seemed to affected her the best? I'm sure that you have had a conversation before where you shared something with her and she responded very positively too that. Try that approach. Tell your mom calmly what her actions are doing to you. Offer to go with her to the doctor and that you will work with her on this.

If nothing works then you must realize that it is not your fault. You might have to move in with a friend to get rid of the amount of stress you face there. You are in a situation that you can up and go.

The best I can offer. Hang in there!!!

I agree, if you mum won't listen then you are just making yourself ill by trying to help her. I spent years and barrages of abuse from my mum before i realised that nothing i do or say will change her perspective on her illness.

The only time I can talk to my mum is when she is stabilised and even then not for long because it gives her panic attacks talking about it.
You could try and talk to her in one of her more stable moments.

But....it takes a long time to get to this place, you will get there, you have to at times, emotionally detach yourself for your own sanity.

And Cody, mate, you really know how to turn a girl off - lol.

Do you have a close friend who understands the situation with your mom? Or whose family also knows what you go through? Other family, Aunts, or siblings? Maybe you could stay with them for the holidays... and at some point, you will need to explain to your mother that unless she gets some kind of professional help, you can not and will no long continue to attempt to help her. Point out that she has said she considers YOU a burden, and awful to live with, so you feel she would be better off without the burden of you (turn it around, to make her see that you ARE a good, helpful daughter) and you have got a right to self preservation.
Perhaps the thought that you will not help her unless she gets help will motivate her.

I am sorry if I am suggesting things that might not be possible for you to do. I know how hard it must be, but you are entitled to have a life, and take care of yourself.

Holidays are the worst. I am a wreck from now to January. Also, my childrens birthday parties can send me into the same panic for some reason. I do alot of little stupid things that I cant account for.

We are only human...

Now Avalanche honey, I wasn't referring to my nasty habits because I really do not have any. I am a perfect in all my ways and my sh** doesn't stink. Do you believe me??? LOL!

I was actually joking my friend. No brown stains in my underwear.

You'd be the first man who doesn't have them then - lol.

lol
thank you you guys....

brown stains....i need to remember that one! haha

i'm just so tired of hearing how guilty ppl with BP feel about what they do.
i feel guilty for being so hurt/angry, when i know the good side of her too.
Knowing she's more then this, and better then this....and that somewhere in there i'm the best thing that's ever happend to her. knowing this is an illness and not her saying these things? it kills.

we've talked somewhat candidly after a rage, but i always senced her guilt and just said everythings fine.

i tried moving out once and she became extremely anorexic/bulemic...to the point where her regular doctor made her wear a heart monitor cuz it was starting to fail. and then she threatened to kill her self.

i ended up sneaking my stuff out of there when she wasn't looking, and pretending that i still lived there. i know it doesn't seem like something you can do, but i've got enough art crap to fill-out the emptiest room. she still freaked on me constantly....it was worse then, just everytime she saw me. she'd call the friends house and leave angry messages...repeately.

this was right before she met my step-father, and i don't want to put her back there again =/

lol yeah i know the drilling my self shit is no good, and honestly...i do wear myself out and try everything in the book i've ever used on addiction. this one is hard cuz i'm not aware of it, and i can't predict it. i just need to take better care of myself.

"just keep swimming....just keep swimming"

i'm tearing in half with trying to decide where i'm going to live when i'm done here. I know i can't live there long. how to tell her so that she won't write me off? i dunno. if i leave that house i'm pretty sure we won't be speaking for a long time.

know where she's going on thanksgiving? soup kitchen...cuz she doesn't want to be bothered with family. we both are, and i think it's great to help out, i just wish it was for a reason other then, "family is such a pain in the ass, screw that"

yeah more excuses i know =/
i'm just so scared she will feel abandoned and not talk to me [like she did with the rest of the family for 3 some odd yrs]

yeah,...i can get out
and that means leaving my mother alone with that viscous thing in her head...whatever it is. =/

family tried an intervention once i suspect,...and that would be why we no longer really associate with them [bout 5 yrs ago?]

meh....sorry again for more ranting. i know i have to do these things
and i know you guys are all right in what you say. i just don't know how to live with a choice like that...feeling like i did the right thing. blood is blood, and even though i can get out...she's always my blood...who sick and no one else is willing to be there for her.

i think part of my issue is i really don't tell my friends about this stuff b/c i like having friends! hah!
i think i mainly have as many friends as i do because they think i'm good at art. and honestly don't know/never really wanted to know if they would be there for me through something like this. most of my friends from highschool stopped are in rehab/have kids ya know the whole deal. they don't need more stress.

i don't want ppl thinking i'm a freak....so i need to work on talking to them....in stead of flipping out on here in a panic. sorry...
i know the holidays are crazy alround
specially for peeps here

I really feel for you, and am wondering if you have someone to talk to like a therapist? I just can't imagine going through all of that without some major support.

i was afraid to open a can of worms right before i loose my health INS
but i guess...heh i did that a while ago
in 4 weeks i won't have any coveradge

but i'm definatly gonna try talking to my friends....meh
i just can shut up about it anymore

I used to feel like you jndoe, I thought my mum's illness was a reflection on me and if I told people then they would think i had bipolar too.

Over the years I have learnt that most people don't freak when you tell them, they are very sympathetic.
I don't shout it from the rooftops, but I do tell those I feel that I can trust.

If your friends do freak, then maybe they are not too good friends anyway?

=]
i copied and pasted some of this thread and printed it....gave it to them to read while i blasted the funniest things i could find on youtube =p
they know i'm weird.....so i think it made sence to them. The way i went about 'talking' to them.
hey....it's a start.

That's good, feel proud of yourself.