I am on the razors edge right now. I am bipolar and so is my husband. Through LOTS of hard work and self analisys and being relaly hard and brutaly honest with myself I ahve come a really long way. I have beenin therapy, I have been educating myself through reading everything I can about my disorder. I have been making MAJOR steps according to my therapists. I have been doing this all on my own because quite frankly thats the way it's suppose to be right? But the first step into getting into therapy and making these changes was my husband threatening me that he would leave me if I didn't. Now it seems the shoe is on the other foot. Or rather after having been in therapy for so long and learning what I have I realise that the shoe has been on the other foot for a long time. I know bipolar disorder causes us to act in ways that we wouldn't normaly act, but for more than a year now my husband has been incredibly verbaly abusive. It took me that entire year to get him to go to therapy period. It took that entire year to get him to therapy with me for our relationship. It took that entire year for him to learn not to yell at me. Now he still says the cruel things just in a quieter voice. I have been wracking my brain trying to do the tirght things for myself and trying to kep us on the straight with our illness. I worked with him this entire time through his addictions to medications and his attempts to pull me into it. I refuse to go down the path of drug addictions anymore. I was there YEARS ago before ever meeting him and I wont go back. Now that I refuse to se those same bad coping things he does it on his own. He hides it, and he accuses me for his need of it. He says it's my fault, that I'm driving him to drin, driving him to say cruel and hurtful things, driving him to be the way he is towards me. I have been in abusive relationships my whole life and through all of my counseling have learned to finaly have a voice for myself. I'm just so torn. My husband who I love and who loves me disapears and turns into a very verbaly and emotionaly abusive person. Some one who would watch me fall off a cliff and dance above my head. But I know, I know what the disorder can do to a person. I know how the thinking can become skewed. I know how ou say things do things and your head just isn't right. I have learned to recognize that, I have learned to recognize when my thinking is not on target and stop and refocus. I have been working my ass off every single day of my life for the past year to get myself where I am now. And now I am in a place where I feel like an outsider looking in, because I know what has to be done to get control, I know what has to be done to change. And it's not easy. I just feel like this whole time he's been riding my ass to change and improve myself it's been taking the focus away from what HE needs to to for HIMSELF. I feel like stop pointing the finger at me! I've done my part and I'm contining to do it. Now it's your turn to step up to the plate! Once again as always this morning I found a bottle of alcohol hidden in the bathroom. Once again he blames me for his drinking. Once again he has told me to leave and find some one else who makes me happy. I feel major frustration. I want to throw my hands up in the air and call it quits. So whats keeping me here? I love him. That sounds hokey, but it's true. I know the real him and I know this is not it. But at the same time I can't keep getting the verbal battering. I can't keep getting all the blame thrown on my shoulders. We were JUST at our therapists on friday and it's like everything said there was already forgotten. I'm sorry, I know I'm venting, I know there are people here who have been dealing with it a lot longer than I have. I just wanted to find somer easuring words and strength from people who have been there. Its hard to work on yourself and not let yourself get sucked into the other persons illness. It's hard to watch them not trying and seeming to just give up and not let yourself do the same. It's hard. It's lonely. I'm tired of the drama. I want happy. I want normal. Yes yes I knew what I was getting into when I married him. Well kinda, I knew my own illness. I knew what I had overcome and what work I still needed to do. What do I do? Do I pull out and say hey this is not healthy for me I cant be in this relationship? Or do I say I love you and even with we both go down I'm not going to abandone you? Am I strong enough to stick it out and not get puled down as well? I don't know. I've been sticking it out and sticking it out but I feel worn and beaten down and tired and threadbare. I feel like I'm at the end of a rope that wipping around in my hand and lashing out at me. I know these are only questions I can answer for myself. I just need to hear that there is some one out there who has been, is, was in a similar situation and it just didn't all go downt he drain. That there IS light at the end of the tunnel.
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When I get stressed out I tend to cry a lot. My son is 19 with Aspergers. He gets very angry when he finds me crying. I've tried to explain that I can't help it. It does't matter, he just keeps getting angry at me.
I still miss you.I still cry.I still feel lonely.I still ask why.I still feel empty.Most of all I still love you!!!!!