Family & Friends of Bipolar Support Group
This community is dedicated to parents, siblings, grandparents, other relatives and friends of someone who is Bipolar. The purpose of this community is to help families and friends develop greater patience and understanding, as well as maintain a positive, caring relationships with those diagnosed as Bipolar.
Hey all I thought you may want to read this post that I put on the bi polar board that discusses the real you topic. I framed it toward the bi-polar spouse as I am a supporter of a bi-polar spouse. See if it makes sense to you. I would appreciate your comments.
How many here have said that bi-polar isnt the real me or that when I am in an episode the actions that I do are not the real me but those of the bi-polar me? I have seen a lot of the posts talk about this and I wont conjecture as to how people perceive it or not. I would ask this though; do people use it as a crutch? Do people apologize to others for their actions afterward? I really am asking this from my heart and in no way am I suggesting that people dont. I would honestly expect everyone to reply that they do apologize if they have said or done anything hurtful to others during an episode.
I am bringing this up to partly assuage my own mind and to hopefully help those of you with spouses that are there for you in your time of need and usually are on the receiving end of the not me.
To make a long story short and not go into all the particulars I am a spouse of a bi-polar lady and sit on the other side of the fence. The side that tries desperately to understand yet can only go so far because I cant walk a mile in your shoes.
Through the course of time my emotions regarding this illness and my wife have run a gambit from deep despair to charged anger. Early on I can say I was full of deep emotions of anger because of being treated with such abuse emotionally and verbally. Once we got the diagnosis of bi-polar I was actually elated. Oh I know that sounds quite strange but it answered so many questions. For me it finally placed a name to the demon that was going on with my wife. This helped me out with understanding and sympathy and could make it so I could take the abusiveness without feeling the hurt so deeply.
It is really important for all of you to know though that all the past pain is STILL there. It hasnt just gone away. Oh intellectually I know what it is from but like all wounds, it takes time to heal. The real her didnt do all those horrible things but at the time I believed it was the real her. Does that make any sense? I am really trying to point this out so that those that are having difficulties with their spouses can see that they may be struggling still with events from their past and I have found that getting some therapy to talk it out is a good healing solution to it.
So now we have the real her and the not her. I know the difference. But here is the kicker. Even when the not her comes around and kicks me in the nuts with hateful words etc, etc, it still hurts a little. I dont care who you are or how well you think you have put your defenses up even an apology doesnt remove the sting and bite of a loved one saying something cruel to you even if you know it is not the real her.
If you can imagine us spouses as a big rock. Before treatment in my wifes case she was a jackhammer breaking apart the huge rock taking out huge chucks at a time. Now that she is under treatment she is a small chisel just removing small chips at a time. Whether you realize it or not pieces are still being removed.
I want you to know as a spouse I love my wife dearly and will stand by her until the day I die but I pay a price for it. So do your spouses. We are your rocks. Remember to feed us from time to time. Put some plaster on the rock chips so we dont get any smaller. We still love you and are here for you. We know the difference between the real you and the not you but that doesnt mean that the not you is welcome to chip away at us with the chisel.
How many here have said that bi-polar isnt the real me or that when I am in an episode the actions that I do are not the real me but those of the bi-polar me? I have seen a lot of the posts talk about this and I wont conjecture as to how people perceive it or not. I would ask this though; do people use it as a crutch? Do people apologize to others for their actions afterward? I really am asking this from my heart and in no way am I suggesting that people dont. I would honestly expect everyone to reply that they do apologize if they have said or done anything hurtful to others during an episode.
I am bringing this up to partly assuage my own mind and to hopefully help those of you with spouses that are there for you in your time of need and usually are on the receiving end of the not me.
To make a long story short and not go into all the particulars I am a spouse of a bi-polar lady and sit on the other side of the fence. The side that tries desperately to understand yet can only go so far because I cant walk a mile in your shoes.
Through the course of time my emotions regarding this illness and my wife have run a gambit from deep despair to charged anger. Early on I can say I was full of deep emotions of anger because of being treated with such abuse emotionally and verbally. Once we got the diagnosis of bi-polar I was actually elated. Oh I know that sounds quite strange but it answered so many questions. For me it finally placed a name to the demon that was going on with my wife. This helped me out with understanding and sympathy and could make it so I could take the abusiveness without feeling the hurt so deeply.
It is really important for all of you to know though that all the past pain is STILL there. It hasnt just gone away. Oh intellectually I know what it is from but like all wounds, it takes time to heal. The real her didnt do all those horrible things but at the time I believed it was the real her. Does that make any sense? I am really trying to point this out so that those that are having difficulties with their spouses can see that they may be struggling still with events from their past and I have found that getting some therapy to talk it out is a good healing solution to it.
So now we have the real her and the not her. I know the difference. But here is the kicker. Even when the not her comes around and kicks me in the nuts with hateful words etc, etc, it still hurts a little. I dont care who you are or how well you think you have put your defenses up even an apology doesnt remove the sting and bite of a loved one saying something cruel to you even if you know it is not the real her.
If you can imagine us spouses as a big rock. Before treatment in my wifes case she was a jackhammer breaking apart the huge rock taking out huge chucks at a time. Now that she is under treatment she is a small chisel just removing small chips at a time. Whether you realize it or not pieces are still being removed.
I want you to know as a spouse I love my wife dearly and will stand by her until the day I die but I pay a price for it. So do your spouses. We are your rocks. Remember to feed us from time to time. Put some plaster on the rock chips so we dont get any smaller. We still love you and are here for you. We know the difference between the real you and the not you but that doesnt mean that the not you is welcome to chip away at us with the chisel.
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
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I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
P/doc also thinks she is Borderline Personality Disorder too.
My mum disappears when manic too. I've lost count of the times I have had to track her across the country (I've spoken to mental health services and police stations all over the place), and registered her with missing persons.
She even escaped from the psychiatric hospital when on a section and was missing for 2 days. That time there was a warrant out for her arrest.
They do not realise the pure worry and stress they cause when they do this, because to them they are doing their own thing and having 'fun'.
She's still my mum though, and nothing will take that away, and I will always do what I can to help and to keep her safe.
I have bp. I cannot say it isnt the real me because it is definately part of who I am. I do apologize, given time to contemplate the situation. And I probably do use it as a crutch from time to time, especially as I came to accept it and allowed more people to know.
The fact remains that sometimes my perception of the world is skewed. And while I am responsible for my actions, please try to remember i may not see things the way you do at that moment. Sometimes i won't see it later. So it can cause unexpected or unpredictable reactions. It really can be cause and effect. If I do understand and am able to explain, its not an excuse. But if someone is throwing bp around for every mistake, they are either being manipulative or are unwilling to to work at coping. If it is truly causing that much havoc in their lives, they are more likely to deny it is their disorder or be completely unaware of the issue.
She must really love me. 20 yrs worth and I am extremely appreciative.
I think that the wide spectrum of this illness makes it impossible to expect the same type of behavior or responses from one person versus another. And the person underneath -- well, sometimes the host doesn't survive the "alien invasion". I know that the wonderful guy I married is no longer alive, even when he is not either manic or depressed.