since I have joined DS I have read many posts on here and found that I can relate to a lot of them but I haven't commented on most, probably because I really don't have the time to get into writing because of having to take care of my son who is 2yrs. and my mother(has dementia)who is always around asking for something so I end up just reading and thinking of it to myself as i go about my days. I find that it has been hard for me to have any time for myself these days to do what i would like to do and even when i do have the chance i feel like I will be scolded for what I choose to do from my bf (which has happened in the past) so I can't really enjoy the time completely.In the 4yrs. we have been together I've found this to be an issue for me. I was just thinking of a time he threw me out and told me he didn't want to be with me anymore, so I took all my stuff and moved in with friends and after 3 days he was calling me leaving messages begging me to come back, he told me "please don't give up on me everyone in my life has given up on me I don't want you to give up on me too." Well I did go back to him and have endured more of his many episodes along with having our son, dealing with the death of my brother from alcohol abuse and my mom having dementia now I look at the 4yrs. the good, and the bad, and think to myself in all this time I have not given up on him but in a lot of ways I have given up on myself. Wow how does this happen, does anyone else feel this way too? I love him with all my heart but lately when I think of spending the rest of my life with him I can't see myself being happy continuing to live this way with him. He has always done as he wants and I have supported him most of the time but, when it comes to me I don't feel I get the same support from him. He has many times had a problem with how I have lived my life and most of the time I feel he is being childish and self centered, like getting upset at me when my daughters grandfather died and she wanted me with her while her father was taking care of family matters he didn't see why I needed to be there with her.(this was in the beginning of our relationship)And just recently when I brought up getting a job at night part time and him watch our son(he's not working)so that I could support us and help my mom with her finances he got upset and said that I should just concentrate on taking care of things here and how is he going to be able to get his stuff done if he has to watch our son.(ok it's at 6pm till 11pm and he goes to bed at 7pm)The time I would be working our son would be sleeping most likely.He doesn't have a job either and since we've moved in here with my mom he has been taking care of himself making his money by selling things on craigslist and building a shed out back so my mom has been supporting me and our son. I don't think it was to much for me to ask of him watching our son while I work to support us seeing he is only supporting himself and is here all the time, but for some reason he was upset at me for bring it up and even considering getting a job. So is it me or is he being self centered thinking only of himself? This has been the 4yrs. of my life and I have not given up on him.. Tried to be supportive of him and in it all I feel I have in reality given up on myself. I am now at the point where I am wanting him to get one of his moods where he wants to end us so that I can say O.K. dear have a nice trip and good luck where ever you go. Which is not my typical self.
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