Family & Friends of Bipolar Support Group
This community is dedicated to parents, siblings, grandparents, other relatives and friends of someone who is Bipolar. The purpose of this community is to help families and friends develop greater patience and understanding, as well as maintain a positive, caring relationships with those diagnosed as Bipolar.
As stupid as that subject sounds coming from a guy but does anyone here feel like that with your relationship?
I fear getting close to my wife as that brings out a nasty side. Even distancing myself from her can bring out her nasty side. Sex now is quick because if you do not get up and leave right away then all of her anger will be made known and it never fails that if she is mad at someone at work then it will only be a matter of seconds before that anger is directed at me. The solution to sex was, finish and run like hell as that sounds like a typical guy thing anyways. It used to be worse. It used to be where she would begin with her hateful feelings towards someone and I quickly ended that by walking out saying, "NO THANKS. I've got a headache already."
I can't bring friends to the house anymore. My friends can't stand her. I had two friends that came over for dinner and she turned on them quickly. My wife tends to mishear things on a constant basis. I never understood why everything she mishears is always something very negative and it is always about her. If you look at her a certain way then she is convinced that you were thinking ill of her and often will tell you exactly what she believed you were thinking as she tells you what she thinks of you. This is what happened with my friends there. I was embarrassed at my one job when a guy behind my back was telling the work crew how screwed up my wife was. Those things I like to be kept private but it is kind of hard when friends invite you to their house and you have to say no because you have a wife that is convinced that all men cheat. This was a long time ago and all of my friends are now history.
I know when I am in trouble with my wife because her eyes start darting back and forth as she is conjuring up negativity. I often immediately excuse myself and will go to another room for a while.
I know the number one need in a woman is to feel loved. However, if you get close to my wife then all is great for a short time. She will tell me how much she loves me and she will rest her head against my shoulder as we watch TV and then WHAMMO!!! Now she just recalled something that I said some time ago or how I acted some time ago and what a complete jerk I am or what someone else had done or said. I could never figure that one out. A lady witnessed it one time and said, "What just happened here?" She mentioned how everything was so nice and quiet and everyone was getting along and then out came name calling and extreme anger.
There is nobody I get to talk with about this even though my wife loves bashing me to anyone that listens. The strange thing is that she bashes me for things that she does. I have been accused by her parents of doing something to her that actually it was her that done that and I will look at them and say, "Excuse me! That was her and not me." My wife will take a truth and then greatly embellish it. She even likes running to my family and my family gave their blessing to get out of this relationship but I can only think of my son as he is the most important thing in my life. I can't ruin his life over my peace and quiet and a normal relationship that I greatly desire. I am doing my best to keep him protected from all of this as best as I can even though she will tell him bad things about me such as "daddy is a jerk."
Basically, I work during the day and go home and play with my son. My wifes problems escalated when she gave birth to him. The strange thing is, she is not like most mother's that bond with their baby. She had very little to do with him so my son and I bonded. I had to change him, feed him and so on in the beginning because she wouldn't for some reason. I'm there for him when he is sick, getting shots, when he wakes up during the night and when it comes to playing with him. My wife has improved some as she will spend 15 minutes playing with him but it usually never is longer than that. She sometimes will take him to a play ground so she can read her book. It embarrasses her when my son gets hurt in front of her family and he will come to me and if she tries grabbing him then he will smack her hands. She tried convincing her family that I have turned my son against her and that is why he does that. She is convinced that I say things behind her back to him.
I literally feel that I am all alone in this relationship. There is no communication and no intimacy because of her problems. We did finally see a marriage counselor and he turned out to be an absolute joke that enjoyed repeating everything that we said so that we would feel heard. Example: "So Cody, you feel that you do not have that closeness that you expected should have been in a marriage?" I felt like saying, "Yes dummy, I just spent 15 minutes explaining that to you." My wife thought he was great at first because he truly understands where she is coming from. I asked her to pay attention next time and notice that he is only repeating what we were saying and that was about all. She noticed it too later. She ended up hating him because she tried convincing him that her bipolar diagnosis was false and gave him what she believed were actually symptoms of someone with bipolar disorder and he disagreed with her. That is a big no no with my wife, never disagree because she is never wrong and she will hate you for it.
I rambled a lot but was curious what others here feel and maybe what they do to improve the intimacy with their spouse?? How do you communicate with someone that is convinced that the whole world is against them? How do you communicate and show affection to a person that quickly turns on you? If I offer my opinion then I am criticized and if I do not offer my opinion then I am criticized. It seems to be damned if I do and damned if I don't. I can use anyone's advice please. Thank you.
I fear getting close to my wife as that brings out a nasty side. Even distancing myself from her can bring out her nasty side. Sex now is quick because if you do not get up and leave right away then all of her anger will be made known and it never fails that if she is mad at someone at work then it will only be a matter of seconds before that anger is directed at me. The solution to sex was, finish and run like hell as that sounds like a typical guy thing anyways. It used to be worse. It used to be where she would begin with her hateful feelings towards someone and I quickly ended that by walking out saying, "NO THANKS. I've got a headache already."
I can't bring friends to the house anymore. My friends can't stand her. I had two friends that came over for dinner and she turned on them quickly. My wife tends to mishear things on a constant basis. I never understood why everything she mishears is always something very negative and it is always about her. If you look at her a certain way then she is convinced that you were thinking ill of her and often will tell you exactly what she believed you were thinking as she tells you what she thinks of you. This is what happened with my friends there. I was embarrassed at my one job when a guy behind my back was telling the work crew how screwed up my wife was. Those things I like to be kept private but it is kind of hard when friends invite you to their house and you have to say no because you have a wife that is convinced that all men cheat. This was a long time ago and all of my friends are now history.
I know when I am in trouble with my wife because her eyes start darting back and forth as she is conjuring up negativity. I often immediately excuse myself and will go to another room for a while.
I know the number one need in a woman is to feel loved. However, if you get close to my wife then all is great for a short time. She will tell me how much she loves me and she will rest her head against my shoulder as we watch TV and then WHAMMO!!! Now she just recalled something that I said some time ago or how I acted some time ago and what a complete jerk I am or what someone else had done or said. I could never figure that one out. A lady witnessed it one time and said, "What just happened here?" She mentioned how everything was so nice and quiet and everyone was getting along and then out came name calling and extreme anger.
There is nobody I get to talk with about this even though my wife loves bashing me to anyone that listens. The strange thing is that she bashes me for things that she does. I have been accused by her parents of doing something to her that actually it was her that done that and I will look at them and say, "Excuse me! That was her and not me." My wife will take a truth and then greatly embellish it. She even likes running to my family and my family gave their blessing to get out of this relationship but I can only think of my son as he is the most important thing in my life. I can't ruin his life over my peace and quiet and a normal relationship that I greatly desire. I am doing my best to keep him protected from all of this as best as I can even though she will tell him bad things about me such as "daddy is a jerk."
Basically, I work during the day and go home and play with my son. My wifes problems escalated when she gave birth to him. The strange thing is, she is not like most mother's that bond with their baby. She had very little to do with him so my son and I bonded. I had to change him, feed him and so on in the beginning because she wouldn't for some reason. I'm there for him when he is sick, getting shots, when he wakes up during the night and when it comes to playing with him. My wife has improved some as she will spend 15 minutes playing with him but it usually never is longer than that. She sometimes will take him to a play ground so she can read her book. It embarrasses her when my son gets hurt in front of her family and he will come to me and if she tries grabbing him then he will smack her hands. She tried convincing her family that I have turned my son against her and that is why he does that. She is convinced that I say things behind her back to him.
I literally feel that I am all alone in this relationship. There is no communication and no intimacy because of her problems. We did finally see a marriage counselor and he turned out to be an absolute joke that enjoyed repeating everything that we said so that we would feel heard. Example: "So Cody, you feel that you do not have that closeness that you expected should have been in a marriage?" I felt like saying, "Yes dummy, I just spent 15 minutes explaining that to you." My wife thought he was great at first because he truly understands where she is coming from. I asked her to pay attention next time and notice that he is only repeating what we were saying and that was about all. She noticed it too later. She ended up hating him because she tried convincing him that her bipolar diagnosis was false and gave him what she believed were actually symptoms of someone with bipolar disorder and he disagreed with her. That is a big no no with my wife, never disagree because she is never wrong and she will hate you for it.
I rambled a lot but was curious what others here feel and maybe what they do to improve the intimacy with their spouse?? How do you communicate with someone that is convinced that the whole world is against them? How do you communicate and show affection to a person that quickly turns on you? If I offer my opinion then I am criticized and if I do not offer my opinion then I am criticized. It seems to be damned if I do and damned if I don't. I can use anyone's advice please. Thank you.
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I have been here before, a long long time ago and now I am back.Forgive me for not just saying what I want to say,even under a triple dose of antidepressants it is still raw and seeping and I am hesitant at revealing it as at least under the bandages around my heart I don,t have to look at how raw and wounded.My child was cleaved from my heart by his own actions. my child of ten,turning eleven...
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
What you described was almost verbatim what it was like before my wife was diagnosed! It is scary how closely the parallels run.
For me it all started a bit before my wife became pregnant then once she was pregnant I can tell you that it was like a demon was unleashed. For about a year and a half I put up with the abuse and was actually ready to leave despite having my son and decided to go to marriage counseling. She agreed and that is when the councilor referred us to the PDoc. Thank goodness for the astute lady otherwise our marriage would have been over and my son would likely be in a bad way. See the trouble is she always has had a lot of difficulty dealing with our son.
Anyway I could go on and on but that isn't helping you.
A couple of things right off the bat that my therapist helped me with was how to deflate a situation. The first thing is to remain calm and not buy into the rage coming your way. Come up with about 5 standard things to say to her that unequivocally tell her that her behavior is not acceptable and that you do not need/deserve to be treated in that manner. The second thing is to set boundaries of what you will and wont tolerate.
Up until now you have probably done what I was doing and just trying to maintain peace. Well it doesn't work. Much like a child she will push and push to see just what she can get away with. I am not calling her a child BTW but the action is the same.
The other thing that I would recommend is getting the entire family involved in her treatment. What I mean by that is that you are her primary but her folks and your folks have to be on the same page as you and they have to trust you. I am not saying she isn't trust worthy but like your wife mine tended to embellish the truth and also speak ill behind my back. Now that they have had to come and stay with us several times to help from suicide attempts they see what I really do for this family and understand that I truly do love and care for their daughter and they back me 100% in trying to help her down this road. It is absolutely critical that her folks and yours really understand what BP is and know the difference in your wife when she is having an episode. It will save a bunch of issues down the road.
Lastly, the intimacy thing. I can't speak much about that as I am still struggling with that. More on my part though. I frankly have desired her very much because of all the crap. It is hard to be intimate with someone when one moment they are down in the dumps and negative beyond belief and the next moment high as a kite. Living day to day and insuring my son is safe and happy and trying to make a good environment for my wife is about all I can muster. Since she still isn't stable yet I am hoping as she does get stable the intimacy will return.
I would strongly suggest that her Pdoc needs to adjust her meds. If she wont let you go with her I wouldn't hesitate to call the doc and let him know whats going on so at her next appointment he can make a meds adjust.
My wife is on several types of meds and none of it seemed to help the rage part. She was on Risperdal but it made her spacey where she didn't seem to know where she was at at times. She takes an anti seizure medicine but that doesn't seem to work. She isn't as violent now and that is about the only improvement. She also takes a med for depression too.
Her family is no help as they too have problems and refuse to admit to them. They are extremely close family that has no outside friends in their little inner circle. They believe her that she doesn't have bipolar disorder because she told them that she doesn't even though two psychiatrist diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Her family doesn't want to hear about her at all. If I mention these things then I will get a lecture that this is perfectly normal for a lady to act like this. Then her dad proceeded to tell me some very psychotic stories about how his wife was with him years back and what he did to control her. Let's just say that I sat there looking at him with a complete blank stare that they really consider such a lifestyle normal.
She refuses now to go to any counselor. She only has one that she goes too and bad mouths me too. She has to go to get refills on her meds. She tells her that she is trying in the relationship but I am not. I even asked her why she says these things and she told me that she doesn't care, she wants people to think that I am a psycho. She told her doctor that I am on a medication to treat mental problems when the drug is actually for Isolated Systolic Hypertension (Corgard) and I feel that I need plenty of it now. Actually, my BP is good and seemed to have been caused by a dietary deficiency as adding magnesium to my diet helped greatly. I told her that she lied but she doesn't care. My dad thought she was out there when she privately went to him and told him a whole list of garbage against me and my dad asked her, "Did you actually witness any of these things?" and she said, "No, but I know that is what he is thinking." My dad told her after she got through calling me Satan and a whole list of terrible names, "Why don't you divorce him then if he is so bad?" and she replied, "No, I love him." My dad came to me later and said, "Good Luck! You got yourself a winner." What annoys me is that she kept trying to go behind my back to my family to make me look like a monster and then she would say, "please do not tell him any of this." Then when my family told me and she found out then she wanted to go after them for it.
I guess what I am getting at is that it is kind of hard to work with someone that doesn't see anything wrong with themselves.
I did like your advice and am planning on trying it. I appreciate you taking the time to write all of that out. If my story was almost verbatim to yours then I am thinking that maybe the results might be the same when I apply the steps you gave me to do. Thank you!
I almost hate to ask you what happened when your child was born as my experience was literally frightening as I will not share that openly yet.
I am from the other side of the equation. My husband has been bipolar since the day I met him. I was 17 years younger than him and stupid. Really dumb. We have been together almost 24 years. We were married twice and divorced once. After 24 years I would like to say it changes and they get better, but I am not sure that is true. My husband wont take medications. he wont see a therapist. he is not interested in changing. I had to make a decision to stay and put up with it and stop trying to change it or get out. Right now I am still there, but believe me that gets reevaluated on a daily basis. Why we stay is every bit as important as why we leave...so obviously I have some of my own emotional issues. I wish I had the nerve to walk away 20 years ago. I don't think that anyone should have to live like that. It is a choice, but make sure it is one you are making fully informed. Take it from me, my hubby has wreaked havoc on our kids. I thought I could keep that from happening but I was wrong. if I could doit all over again knowing what I know now, i would have walked out the door.
Here is my gravest fear. I divorce her and she wins custody. The psychologist told me that he doesn't know of any judge in their right mind would do that. I just feel that I cannot take the risk of losing him as she is extremely vindicative and would seek to make my life with him hell. She has always been the type to attack the part of you that is most sensitive. Just like with my mom where she ripped up my childhood pictures that cannot be replaced.
I also fear that since he is so young that such a divorce will hurt him in the future and that I cannot have. I just want to be a responsible father figure to him and help him grow.
I will say this, if she was ever violent with him then I would divorce her on the spot but she isn't. She screams a lot and she likes making empty threats. I see a lot of parents like that so I figure that I should just grin and bear it. Her constant mood swings is something that my son notices. She is always in a constant state of agitation and that is why I believe that my son is agitated when he is home with her.
I appreciate your comments and I sort of knew that the future will probably be exactly as you described it. Sad. I wish I could describe my true feelings on all of this but this is the life that I chose so I must face it. I too have asked myself WHY?? just like you did.
What your son is learning is how to react with women now and unless you step in and teach him differently he may have some issues later in life with women.
My son was hitting my wife and backtalking as well but I stepped in and taught him that regardless of what Mom is doing he still needs to respect his Mom and he can't hit her etc. I don't want him to learn that it is ok to hit women or treat her meanly.
Just my 2 cents.
I honestly believe that he reacts only like that to her because of how she disciplines him. He isn't like that to other baby sitters that are female or even to his female teachers. I honestly believe it is from her and her screaming, her empty threats and the fact that she will deliberately say things to make him cry. I sometimes try to figure out who the real child is.
You are right. I will try to step immediately when my boy calls her a name or hits her. Often the name calling and hitting only comes when she starts going off the handle and having some toys in the middle of the room is enough to send her over the edge some times. Usually I pull my son aside and tell him not to talk to her like that. I have to pull him aside because when my wife gets mad then anybody in ear shot will feel the fury. I will try to diffuse the situation before it gets going.
Thanks.
Some sort of stand on your part might help. Either insist that you go to marriage counseling together, or to insist that she get psychiatric help, with the ultimatum being that you are actually ready to walk out on that kind of bad behavior. Something has to give here, and unfortunately you willneed to be the agent for change.