Jane, one thing that you must learn to do is never share any problems of your marriage with anyone in your family. I wish my wife would learn this one as the counselor specifically said not to involve family.

Family will always side in most cases with their own blood. Your mother will also seek to protect her little baby (you) and she is probably worrying daily about you. My mom always worries about me but I try to keep her out of our mess but my wife makes that difficult. Since your mom is controlling then you do your best to keep her nose out of it as she will make decisions based on what she feels is good and right and it might affect you and your kids for the worse.

Do not ignore your mom by not calling her. Call her but I would try building your husband up in front of her. The holidays are coming up and I know what that is like when there is family tension. It's easy to have my family hate my wife but what good does that do? I save all my venting for this community because nobody knows my wife and no ill can come from it.

Let your mom know that he is your husband and he is also the father of your kids. Her selfish controlling measures will only hurt your relationship and the kids involved as well. If you ever need advice then you must seek someone that would be neutral on it (friends often will side with you and they might not count)/ I have taken a dating/marriage class back at college and the one thing that they taught us is to keep the in-laws OUT of your marriage as they will seek to run it!! For some reason, everyone that has had a family believes that they are the experts and they will impose their standards on you. Listen to them but do what you want. However, tell your mom flat out that she is not going to run you or your marriage and for her to stop causing the problems that she is causing. You need to tell her that the only advice that you ever want to hear out of her mouth is how to make the marriage work and not the easy way out solution. If she says that she doesn't know of anything then tell her then she needs to say nothing more than that.

Often controlling people are very stubborn and will probably give you the silent treatment for a while and that is OK. They need to be put in their place and also realize that their silence is their childish way of seeking to control you because it is something that they can't stand themselves. They also foolishly think that they are punishing you by ignoring you when they are only punishing themselves. If she is like that then be sure to rub her nose in the fact that this is a terrible message to teach your kids that one is to respond with silence when they don't get their way. This also will probably make your husband happy too that you thought more of your relationship than you did your own mother.

Well stated Cody

Thank-you Cody1, I`m not sure what your wife does yet throught my marrige it was my husband that would call my mother and say can you control your daughter she has mental problems, so l felt l was placed in a possion to tell her at same stage which in turn made her dislike my husband even more than she did, l realise she is looking out for us and do apprecaite it.
For month now l have tried detaching myself from her hurtful comment and controling behavour, most times l can yet even so offen it gets to much. It would be nice to have her in our lives with out these issue, hell it will never happen. I`m finding the more l point out the good in my husband the more presser she seems to put on me. So l will try putting some of your advice in place thank -you very much and l will let know how it all goes.Jane

Your hubby plays the same games as my wife I see. My wife used to bad mouth me to my mom. She would always bash me to my family and then say, "Oh, don't go telling him what I said." She still tries now and then but pretty much sobs a sad tale to my sister-in-law that she bashes too behind her back.

When she found out that they went ahead and told me the things that she bitch about and knew that she was full of crap then she went ballistic. She mostly goes to her family and bad mouths me now. She tried years back bad mouthing me to my dad and my dad put her in her place. He actually thought that she was so far gone that he told me that I had his blessing if I wanted to divorce her because she tore me apart so bad that my dad was having a hard time believing it. When she was asked by him if she actually witnessed these things whether about me or other people in my family, she said, "No, but you know that is what they are thinking." Most of my wifes criticism about me comes from her paranoia of things that are not even true or from a distortion of things that she has witnessed. I was happy that my family got to witness that.

You are in a tough situation and it sounds like you need to have two separate chats. You need to have one with your mother and another with your hubby. Let him know what his talks with your mom is accomplishing and that he would be wise to shut his mouth. Tell your mom as I did mine that you are not to listen to any complaints from my wife and that you are to say, "I am not interested in hearing this" and walk away.

I agree wholeheartedly with Cody on this one. My mother and father can't stand my SO with BP; they've gone so far as to call him and tell him to stay away from me. They can't understand his disease, they just think that he is a jerk that uses and hurts me. One of the hardest letters I've had to write was to my mom, asking her to please stay out of my relationship. I made it clear that I loved her and appreciated her concern, but that I was not in any danger, and to please let me handle things on my own. She was put off for awhile, but soon got over it.

All moms just want their kids to be happy. I promised my mom that if I needed help in any way when dealing with my SO, she would be the first person I called, which seemed to quell her. The best thing to do is just not get them involved though.

Good luck!

-Nicole

If family violence people were involved, I can understand your mother being concerned for your safety and that of your kids. She may not be going about it in a way that respects you as an adult, but I think as a mother she is trying to protect you. Does she know that your husband has a medical disorder? Has your husband recieved any treatment for it? How about counceling for you as well?
In my 1st marraige, he was a coke addict, likely bipolar. My mother often would take one stance on what was best for me, and he would take another stance, and I was in the middle with no say at all, so I understand how you are feeling. I was very young, early 20s with a baby.
Now that my own daughter is 20, BP, and lives with her BF, I get caught in the middle of their issues, as they think I can fix the other person. I would really like for her to get out of the relationship at times, but that decision is hers. However, I now understand the position my own mother was in, and see that she wanted to help me, but didnt know how.

Maybe if you are in therapy, she could come and learn what it is your family is dealing with, and learn ways to be genuinely helpful to you, rather than making it harder.

Hi everyone, my name is Chandler and I am originally from Indiana. I moved to Illinois in 1998. I live in Morton Grove as i am a machinist. I know the comments here are directed to Jane and I do not wish to detract from that. I wish that i could make a comment for her but i read enough to think that everyone did a good job and nothing more is needed.

Wow Chandler, I know exactly where you live. Don't worry, I'm safe and will not be knocking at your door. You live over by the Allstate arena, at least a lot closer than I am. I'll talk to you about that later. Welcome to the group!!

l would like to thank every one of you for responeing with the grate advice- over the weekend l did confront my mother and let know how much she means to the kids and l and how much l appercaite her caring. I also made it clear that l wouldn`t turn my back on her or my hubby and will need to actspent our friend at same stage. She rang me tonight and all was cool, thank again Jane