if u think about it the people with the illness want to throw in the towel as much as u do

its not ez.. my X is bp we did not find out until after i left him and he spent a week in the ward.

It hard very hard to keep going at times. I couldnt take his emotional abuse anymore, so i let it all go and even stopped being his friend..

it dont matter what i say to him i am never right. The books i read, the people i talk too, i dont know crap about bp. I dont what its like to be him, but i can understand for the most part.

i couldnt take him verbally beating me down anymore. i had to step back get my own help for the damage he done/did to me..

its not ez its not...

do you think you might need someone to talk too..

i told my x he made me feel bp too.. cos of how he would effect my moods

yes yes and yes!! I have those thoughts often and i was just thinking the other day about posting a topic "does it ever feel like their BP is contagious?".
the way i try to handle it so far is this, i try so hard not to make decisions when i am emotional. I try to pray and wait. if it is really time to end a relationship it will be completely clear. and waiting will not hurt.
my bf and i have been in a relationship for 8 months and i have felt like i couldn't handle it more times than i can count.
it is hard. it is selfless. but here's my favorite quote about love. "Love is not a feeling. It is a choice you make everyday." we choose to love them and care for them the best we can. we realize we cant change them and we can't save them. we get overwhelmed and upset and we too say and do things we probably shouldnt in our frustration but in the end we choose to love each other and that is all that can be asked of us or them.

bp16indy,

I don't think you truly grasp the concept of what I am talking about here. Yes I know the folks with BP sometimes would like to throw in the towel. I can certainly appreciate what the reasons are but in the scope of this discussion I am talking about this purely from the supporters perspective.

I am not only responsible for myself but my wife, my child, my house, my career... etc etc. When we married I had no idea she was bi-polar. It wasn't until our third year of marriage and our son coming along did we find out. Since that time our marriage has suffered greatly. Before we found out she was BP I was ready to divorce her but chose counseling and thats how we began to learn of her disease.

Since that time she has been hospitalized, received ECT's, been unable to function for the most part, etc etc.

I still love her as she is my wife but the strain of this disease on anyone is tremendous. Imagine what it is like for me wondering when I have to go out on a business trip whether I am going to get a call that my wife has successfully committed suicide or that she has hurt our son? Imagine knowing that no matter what I have to take care of things at the house and for my son no matter how tired I am. This is with my son in daycare 5 days a week as well.

Everything I do is to support my family and I do my best to get her the help she needs. There are simply times that one becomes overwhelmed and you just feel like saying fuck it! Will that day come for me? I doubt it. I have a son to think about and my wife didn't ask for this and is really trying. She is putting forth the effort but there are some BPers that have more difficulties that others. Each one is different.

Its odd how when before my X was labled. I there wasn't much a sing. He just seemed like he had cronic depression. Before we got together(we was friends at first) his lost his estranged wife and first born child.

So I delt with his depression and him taking everything out on us!!

Once I told him it was over i could not do this any more. It was like a switch went off in he's head and he changed before my eyes. he did that changing only the few times I said to him "I am done cant take any more, I want out of his relationship" his eyes would go black and lifeless, he'd start foaming at the mouth.. after the first time i seen it and he did some vile emotional physical things to me. i feared saying those words ever again.

Until yet again i could not take anymore. I had enough four years later.. I was stronger this time had no fear of him.

Once he got out of the ward, and i started to suck down every bit of info on bp. The more and more i realized he was.

He even tried to tell me he wasnt bp cos his meds didnot work. But when he came out of the ward he kept saying "i am back to my old self etc" but still i would not give in and go back to him. In his next breath he said "i was on the lowest dose they give" his meds. I tried to tell him it takes time to ballance out your meds. Every is dif with their meds.

Nothing i ever said was right
nothing i ever did was right
i bent at every angle to make him happy and left my self in the dust..

its hard very hard to love, support and be there for a bp person when they keep tearing you back down.

He calls me all the time and tells me his life faults are because of me. when i dont get his vile daily 20 plus phone calls I do wonder "did he go and off him self this time" I always wait for that day that i get that phone call. that knock on my door.

Most of his family has passed away. just a few uncles remain and he isnt that close to them. His disorder has taken him away from his own family and he wont suck up his pride and try to make things better. Cos he see's from his eyes as they all have done him wrong. hes done nothing to them.. he needs to tell them whats wrong with him and etc.

It can be devastating to see someone you love eaten up by their illness & we wouldn't be human if we didn't consider throwing in the towel now & then.

I had one day where I had thoughts of getting in my car with it's full tank of gas & driving as far as it would take me. Fortunately I realised I had a little girl who had to attend school & 3 cats that needed to be fed so I stayed home & kept busy.

I felt that I couldn't be with my partner but I couldn't not be with him. We've had some really shitty days but we've had some awesome days too & it's those memories I hold dear when it feels like things couldn't possibly be good again.

To get out of bed in the morning is a huge accomplishment for everyone,those unwell & their supporters.

It doesn't make you less of a person to sometimes admit defeat.

bp16indy, we do understand how hard it can be, that's why we're here, to gain knowledge & to get & give support to those we love who struggle.

Kfred you said it very well! sometimes we all need to vent.
Hablur, you really need to put yourself first sometimes. Get your own personal therapist to talk to about this. Mine is a Godsend during this time. and try to find people that can come and take care of your wife and child while you just go read a book by yourself. it is hard but you have to have your own time to destress and not worry about if it will be ok sometimes or you will burn out. You should be commended because this is not a role men are used to and you are doing an amazing job!
Hurtpoet, i think you also need to talk to someone about what you went through and are going through. it is so hard to deal and heal from abuse of any kind all by yourself. also, as cold as it might seem, i think you might need to let your ex go completely. it sounds a little co-dependent to me. he will find support somewhere else and that is what he needs. sometimes in an effort to be there for someone we start to enable them. that isn't good for us or them.
thank you all for being here. it's so helpful for me and i'm sure others to hear this because we are the only ones who understand what it is like to be with someone with BP. the world can never know what it is like until they have been in our shoes.
God has blessed us with this support. It is truely amazing that even when we don't know what we need, He does and He provides everytime!

There are many times I have felt like walking away from my mum, but in the end, she is my mum and I cannot do that.

Up until recently I was only able to post in the BP discussion group and I am grateful that they opened up this one.

I feel like I have a place that I can share what is really on my mind with folks that are in my shoes.

Helpmeunderstand, I do see a therapist every two weeks and frankly it is not enough :) It has been a terrific help though. What I really needed was a place like this where I can chat with people that are experiencing this on a day to day basis.

Thank you all to listening to me and hsaring your thoughts.

It does help alot hablur doesn't it.
I too was a member of the BP community on here previously, but felt I couldn't share how I felt honestly enough without causing upset to those with bp.

feel like i'm taking a risk posting on the "normal people page, but i want to know how i truly affect my caregivers, and i appreciate your honesty.

i agree with reply #1. i hate feeling like it will never end and want to quitthrow in the towelstop trying to win this hopeless fight. i feel dreadfully awful having to rely on my friends and my family for their constant support. i feel so selfish and needy and draining. i hate to share with them and want to pull away because i don't want them to worry, and i hate feeling like such a burden.

i admire you for your patience and talent and ability to juggle all you have to. im sure its taxing and unbearable at times, and i do not envy your struggle and hardship. i'm glad you find this community helpful. maybe your wife would find it helpful to join the BP community. i'm trying to share there...with people who actually "get it" instead of dragging everyone else i know down with my relentless mood swings and the constant tennis match in my tired tired head.

one simply cannot understand it unless one has it...and be happy for that.

i knew my family and friends were lying when they say i'm not too much to handle. thanks for confirming my theory. we hate being so much trouble.

that's what we all really need to do with each other and that is listen. In general we humans need to understand each other, walk a mile in each others' shoes so to speak.
Crazybett...I will be honest that my bf has issues but ya know what, so does everyone. my ex husband was controlling and abusive. my friend's bf is an alcoholic. i am high strung, opioninated, and a little OCD...in other words, we are all hard to handle but when you love someone, it's worth it. so to your friends and family, you are worth the effort. trust that. i know my bf probably feels the same way. we all have to accept ourselves, flaws and all.

yes, feel that way sometimes. that is the sign that i take that i need a break-some time to myself- to re-coup and get me back inline. if we don't take some time to take care of ourselves, how can we stay strong and be there to take care of those we love? don't forget about you.

Crazybett, I don't think there is anything 'normal' for anyone. Every single person you come across in this life, has trauma in their past, skeletons in their cupboards or are dealing with crap now one way or another.

Well, I finally did throw in the towel, after having lost the man I married to bipolar illness 7 years into our 25-year marriage. I just kept hoping, kept dealing with episides as they came -- faster and faster and worse and worse.

Then I began to believe that there was something in our relationship that was preventing him from getting better. And our relationship was killing me. So I divorced him.

We still see each other, still occasionally talk with each other, but we live miles and miles apart. And funny thing -- he is doing much better! As am I.